Annie’s eyes go wide.
“I’m so sorry, Em,” Crash says, “but I didn’t know what to say. He’s my best friend and I—”
“No, I know, Crash. This isn’t your fault.”
“Shit,” he says, and I can hear him moving, imagine him pacing. “Listen, things are good with you two now, right? They really seem to have turned a corner, so I wouldn’t worry. He’s probably just out clearing his head.”
I turn away from my friend’s horrified expression and blink several times, my vision going dark around the edges. “Right.”
“If you find him, tell him to call me?” Crash says gently.
“Same.” I try to sound okay. I try to sound like my entire world hasn’t just tilted sideways. This morning, I thought I had my perfect life in my hands. Now it’s crumbling in my grasp. “Thanks, Crash.” I end the call and stare, unseeing, at the wall in front of me.
“Emery?” Annie says carefully. When I don’t answer, she tries again. “Em? Does he know where Luca is?”
“No,” I say, trying to breathe but unable to pull air into my lungs.
“Em.” She moves to stand in front of me. I must be falling, because she reaches out to grab my arms, lowering me slowly to sit on the floor. “Breathe, honey. Breathe.”
I try to, but my body seems to shove every breath out as soon as I take it in.
“Can you tell me what he said exactly?”
I think she’s kneeling in front of me but colors swim in my vision, tears rolling in hot streaks down my face. “Luca met with a lawyer. He was going to leave me.” I give her the paper still clutched in my hand.
She takes it, scanning the page. “This can’t be right. Luca’s crazy about you.”
“He is now. I guess the old Luca wasn’t, anymore.” I suck in a jagged breath. “Maybe he remembered how he felt before the accident. Maybe he fell out of love with me again.”
Every time I got home late, every time I left while he was sleeping, every time I disappeared into my office and closed the door, every time I was lost in thought while he was trying to spend time with me… it all pulses with nauseating clarity in my thoughts. I realized everything too late. I’m too late.
If I’m honest with myself, I know that Luca was always front and center in my heart but at the back of my mind. Alwayswhen when when—and I never appreciated thenow. I didn’t see it, but Luca did. He was always there when I needed him, always ready with coffee, withfood after a long day, ready to help me lose myself in his body when I needed a break from my head. And I never offered the same support in return.
Until now. When I finally put him first and my work second, when I put his needs before my own guilt and ambition, when I let myself fully love him. It was the easiest thing in the world. Why did I wait so long? Why did I assume he would always be there?
“Oh my God, Emery. I’m so sorry, honey.” Annie wraps me in a hug, and I squeeze my eyes against the idea of a life without him.
Another thought occurs to me. “What if he thinks I knew?”
Annie sits back on her heels to see me. “About the lawyer? Like, you were taking advantage of his amnesia and keeping it from him?”
I nod. “Like I was tricking him. Hoping he wouldn’t find out. Luca never hides anything. He has the same password for every account. The pin for his phone is 123456. He had the paperwork right there in his fucking desk. Not even trying to hide it. Maybe he remembered that, too.” Another sob tears from my throat. “I didn’t know, Annie. I swear. I would never trick him into staying if I’d known he’d really wanted to leave.”
“I know, honey. And I’m sure he knows it, too. Even if he doesn’t remember, heknowswho you are. I’m sure of that.”
I nod, hoping that’s true. “I messed up, but I would never lie about that. I’d never intentionally hurt him.”
“I know, Em. Do you think that’s why he’s not here?”
I realize when she asks that Crash assumed he’d left to clear his head, that he was avoiding my calls because of the revelation that he was unhappy enough to consider ending our marriage.
But I know Luca differently than he does. He wouldn’t disappear like that, he wouldn’t punish me, even if he thought I’d intentionally kept this from him.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “No.” And the longer the words are out there, the more I’m sure they’re true. The old Emery and Luca, we loved each other, but we took the easy way out. The Luca I know now asks for what he needs and holds me accountable because it’s what he deserves. He might have been unhappy, even enough to end our marriage, he might be angry or hurt, but he’d never do it like this. The Luca I know wouldneverjust disappear without a word.
42EMERY
I move immediately to the front door, walking robotically, no hesitation. I can hear Annie’s footsteps behind me, trying to catch up. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
