But it was hard to get down to it. Yet, easy to see when he was looking out at this view. At those animals.
“Did you help your dad on the ranch or were you too young?”
“Oh no. We loved helping Dad, especially in the summer. In the summer, we became full-time cowboys; it was our favorite thing. Neither of us really wanted to sit and do school. That was boring as hell. Getting up early, going out in the truck with Dad, fixing fences, checking in on the horses. We loved it when the vet would come, and we would watch him give vaccines and do general health check-ups. We just liked to be involved in it. I always knew that I was going to follow in my dad’s footsteps.” He was quiet for a moment. “But then they ended. And you know, in my head, I was always sharing that dream with him. With my brother. And then the ranch was sold after they died. And my dream went with it. I have the money. From the sale of the ranch, my grandparents didn’t touch it, and I never used it. But… It feels like I walked so far away from that, and I don’t know how to get back. I don’t know if I want to get back.”
“Do you want to go back to Texas?”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t. Because they aren’t there. It’s just land now. Just a place. It was home because my family was there. And now that they aren’t, it isn’t. But I haven’t found the particular ground that feels like it could be yet. Haven’t managed to find my way home, and maybe it doesn’t exist for me. But part of me wonders if I had a ranch, one that was mine, if that would feel like it. I have this land, but it isn’t living yet.”
“I understand that,” she said softly. She really did.
“And part of me is afraid, too. Because what if I do that? What if I do it, and it’s not the answer?”
She could hear the fear in his voice, even though it was steady. And she understood it. Really. That same fear lived inside of her, to an extent. It was easy to tell yourself that you could’ve had everything if only life had let you. If he had the chance to try, and for him, it was easy to imagine that maybe he could recapture parts of himself that were long gone if he could get that ranch back. If he could have the life that he had been meant to have, but what if he didn’t feel it? Then it might mean there was no hope of ever feeling it.
So maybe it was better to sit in the dark with the hope that it could be light someday, than it was to discover that it couldn’t be. Not ever.
“I wonder how many compasses and maps it will take to find it. Home.”
“I haven’t yet found the right one.”
“It has to exist,” she said.
“Or it doesn’t,” he said.
“I guess. But that’s kind of bleak.”
“My life has been kind of bleak. Except… I’ve been letting myself remember a little bit more. The good things. It’s hard to let yourself think of what you’ve lost, but good, I think. Because you know I had the best little brother, and the coolest dad. And my mom… You know, she was tough as nails, she was exactly the kind of woman that my dad needed. Because she would call him out on his bullshit and stand firm in what she believed. They were partners.” He swallowed hard. “And she made a mean cinnamon roll.”
Something in her chest cracked. She reached between them and put her hand over his. “So did my mom.”
They sat there in the shared feeling of loss, the memory of cinnamon rolls they would never have again.
Yes, there were cinnamon rolls. Yes, Cara was an expert baker, and she had learned how to make perfect cinnamon rolls. But sometimes you didn’t want perfect cinnamon rolls, sometimes you just wanted your mom’s, and it was always going to hurt that you couldn’t have them.
But they had this. This moment. And for now, each other.
And that felt pretty damn good.
He looked at her for a long moment, and she let that silence stretch between them. “So, I have to go and meet with a man about a horse – literally, and I was also thinking maybe the two of us could get your riding lesson in today.”
Well, she felt a little bit less excited about that. She couldn’t say that she was looking forward to riding a horse.
And now they didn’t really need that excuse to spend time together…
But he was looking at her with intent. He wanted to do this. Wanted to show her that she could do it.
And she didn’t want to let him down. It was as simple as that.
She really did want to go with him to meet with the guy he was thinking about buying a horse from because she felt invested in that for him. Invested in making a real ranch for himself here. Not just working at Cody’s.
“Okay,” she said. “I’m all for it.”
It was an exaggeration, but she was going to try to be as all in as she could be.
Right now, she felt like she would give Zane anything he asked for. That was a scarier realization than knowing she was going to ride a horse later today.
Chapter Eighteen
