An actress, he’d called me. They both had. But I could bring to mind every instance of Patrick’s eyes pinning me to a wall, his fingers whispering over mine, and always it seemed something was perched on the edge of his lips when I was near, seconds from tumbling free.
Hehad seducedme.
I set my eyes on Theo first, tongue pulsing. “You told me that you came to Kenton Hill as a trade. In return, Lord Tanner would resume his search for me.”
Theo’s eyes became confused, guarded. He nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“And then I turned up alive, and you were surprised to find that I wasn’t still eighteen years old and fawning over you.”
His lips pressed together tightly. “That’s not—”
“And it hurt your feelings that I no longer needed you. Angered you. It makes you mad still, to know I chose someone else.”
He couldn’t seem to conjure a denial. Instead, he glowered.
“Andyou,” I continued, turning on Patrick. I found him watching me closely. “Who brought me into his parish with my wrists tied and a sack over my head. Can you honestly meet my eye and claim that Itrickedyou into… into…”
“Lovin’ you?” Patrick asked, his voice deep, rebounding in my chest. I hadn’t unbalanced him at all. Hadn’t made a dent. “In truth, Nina, I don’t have it in me to unravel that question.”
He turned his head away as though he couldn’t stand the sight of me.
I blanched. But I had to tell him all of it now, while he was still close enough to hear it. “I lied to you,” I admitted. “About Tanner, about what he’d demanded of me, but not the rest. I didn’t reveal your secret to anyone. Not even Polly. I didn’t bring soldiers into Kenton Hill.”
“I wish I could believe that,” Patrick said, wincing. “But even if youweren’t lyin’ to me right now, it wouldn’t count for much, would it? We’ve both of us made a few too many missteps.” He didn’t seem to need my response. “Mine was lettin’ swanks into Kenton Hill in the first place.”
I fumed. “I didn’t give you up.”
“So you say.”
“Yeah.” I tugged at the ropes around my wrists. “So I say.”
“Yet there’s the matter of timin’,” said Patrick, “and the scant few who knew what I was.”
“Patrick, youknowme!”
He chuckled grimly, wiping his brow against his sleeve, and looked resolutely at nothing at all. “It felt that way, didn’t it?” he said. “Like we knew each other.” He closed his eyes and leaned back into the wall of the carriage. “But when I think about it, Nina, you’re a stranger to me.” He nodded to himself as though confirming something. His eyes closed. “A stranger with all my secrets.”
A tear slipped free and sprinted for my chin. My heart thrashed, and I did nothing to quell it. I watched Patrick close off in increments until his entire body was angled away from mine, and I could see nothing but the flushed skin at the back of his neck, the jumping pulse beneath his ear.
Theo cleared his throat. When I spared him a withering glance, his jaw softened. “For what it’s worth, Pat,” he said, seemingly with great effort, “it can’t have been Nina who brought this army to your doorstep.”
“Your word’s worth nothin’ to me,” Patrick said with finality. A few moments later, he lost consciousness.
The train rattled on, and the three of us swayed like slaughtered pigs on hooks. Night crept in and made breathing easier. It was more difficult to see the blood across Patrick’s chest, easier to avoid Theodore’s insistent gaze. I couldn’t be sure how long I had gone without sleeping. Without eating. I ignored my screaming bladder.
Anger kept me awake. The more my mind churned, the more that rage grew.
For Theodore, who thought I was his, no matter my own feelings; for Patrick, blinded by his own hate; for Polly, who was damningly absent; for Lord Tanner; and Luderman; and all men, suddenly. How quick they were to use and discard me.
But then that anger turned inward, and I found myself wanting to claw at my chest, take my own heart in my hands and wring it. This was my doing. My cowardice. I’d waited too long to tell Patrick the truth. I’d had power and squandered it, hadn’t done a thing to help another with it. I’d hidden behind years of neutrality, running and running until the consequences caught up to me.
Loathing like I’d never felt before made its home under my skin.
I let it sink in. A penance.
The train clattered on.
Luderman awoke as the train whistled its arrival. He’d snored for more than half the journey and came up bleary eyed, his nose off-center, his lips sealed in dried blood. He took one glance in my direction and glared but did not advance.
