I feel a sharp pain in my chest. Three little words I’ve always known existed, but always dreaded to hear from him. Yearned to hear from him. My heart feels completely torn between wanting to open myself up to falling for my best friend, and hiding underneath this blanket to avoid this conversation at all costs.
“Stop it,” I say, my voice shaking. “You don’t mean that.”
Ronin’s gaze heats. “I do mean it, Mellie. I love you. I’minlove with you.” His hands squeeze mine where he holds them on my lap. “I’ve been in love with you for most of my fucking life, and I’m tired of hiding it.”
“You’re just saying this so I don’t leave.” Confusion swirls through me, twisting my insides. Why is he telling me thisnow?
“What?” Ronin’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open. “That’s unfair. I would never try to keep you here under false pretenses. You think you have nothing, and I refuse to just let you leave without at least trying to convince you that’s not true!”
Frustration replaces the confusion bubbling through my veins. “So you’ve waited until I’m ready to move on with my life to tell me you’re in love with me? Talk about unfair, Ronin!”
He shakes his head, pulling his hands away to run both through his hair. “You can’t have this both ways, Mellie. You told me when we were younger that you didn’t want to be more than friends. I’ve respected that, I’ve given you space to figure out your feelings. I’ve been here, right next to you, foryears, trying to respect your decision.” His hands fall to his sides and his head droops for a moment before he peers up at me, blue gaze shining. “But I can’t sit here and pretend like I’m not in love with you when you’re talking about leaving.”
He sits back on the couch next to me, his leg pressing against mine. Taking one of my hands in his, he continues, “Mel, I would marry you in a heartbeat, you have to know that. I’ve loved you since I was thirteen, and you stormed into my life with all your teenage angst and anger and ridiculous ability to kick myass in any game we played.” His throat bobs as he swallows hard. “I was starstruck by you. This girl who, in no time at all, had stolen my heart, who knew my own like it was hers. It was always hers, and it still is.”
There’s a huge lump forming in my throat and I’ve lost the ability to speak. Words, what are those? I just stare back into his stunningly blue eyes.
“I want to spend my life with you, Mellie. Just me and you. If you’ll have me.” Ronin’s voice catches in his throat. “Just, don’t leave without considering it, at least.”
I pause, clearing my throat before finally finding my voice. “I don’t know if that’s something I can ever give you. What if we break up and we lose each other? I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to take that risk again. You know this already.”
“We aren’t those same kids, Mel. We’re grown now, and I know, deep in my soul, that we would work,” Ronin implores, his tone more serious. “You’re my soulmate, Amelia Baker. How can you not see that by now?”
I shake my head. “There are different kinds of soulmates, Ronin. You probablyaremine, if I’m being honest here, but that’s because you’re my closest friend in the entire world. You’re my other half—how can I risk losing that? Losing you?”
I pull my hand away and stand, letting the blanket fall to my feet in a crumpled heap. “This is starting to sound like the exact same argument we had when we were younger.”
“That’s because you’re the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.” Ronin stands with me, taking a step back to pace around my living room. “I wish there was some way to make you see—make you believe in us.”
“I just—” I lift my hands into the air helplessly. “I don’t know what to do! I’m sorry that I can’t just give you the answer you want, Ronin! You say you’d marry me in a heartbeat, but that’s not how I feel.” My voice cracks as emotion threatens to overwhelm me. I close my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, you have to know that. I love you so much, Ronin.” Opening myeyes, I continue, “But I think the answer here is no. I don’t want to risk our friendship again. I just—Ican’t. I’m so sorry.”
Ronin’s chin drops, and he stares holes into the ground. His arms hang loose at his sides, and he looks so defeated, I immediately second guess my decision.
Shit.
What am I supposed to do here? What’s the right choice?
“Okay.” His voice is low and thick with emotion. He lifts his head to meet my gaze, his eyes red and glassy behind the lenses of his glasses. “I hear you, Mellie. I won’t ask again. Not unless you ask me to. I’ll leave, let you figure out what the hell you’re doing with your life, but that’s not going to change a damn thing about how I feel. When you can admit to yourself that you feel the same way, you know where to find me.”
With that, Ronin spins on his heel, grabbing his things and leaving my house before I can even react to his words.
I stand alone in my living room for a moment before sinking down to the floor, the sob I’ve been holding down finally bubbling to the surface. I know that I can’t give him what he wants, not right now. Maybe not ever. His words terrify me, and the last thing I want to do is risk my friendship with him again.
But it’s clear to me now I can’t stay here, shoving myself into his life everyday. Knowing how he feels, howdeeplyhe feels for me. This conversation has made one decision easy for me, at the very least.
My heart splits wide open, the piece of it that belongs solely to my best friend torn away, gone with the man who just left. The very last thing I would ever want to do is hurt Ronin, and that’s exactly what I just did, and what I will continue to do by staying here.
I know what I have to do, and it breaks my heart.
September 27
I’ve tried calling you like a million times but you’re not answering, so I have to resort to begging via text message and I’m not happy about it
Ronin, I’m sorry. But can you please pick up your damn phone so we can talk this out?
November 3
So I’m sure you hate me right now but I really think a clean break was what we needed. I hope you can forgive me. Please don’t shut me out, Ro.
