PART I
Leaning Away From You
PROLOGUE - A NEW BEGINNING
Qiang’s POV
My life was supposed to change today. And I guess, in reality, it’s still going to change in several ways. But really, the way it unexpectedly and unwelcomingly changed just a few months ago kind of overshadows today. I was supposed to be excited about stepping into a new chapter, but instead it almost feels like I’m running away. Running away from the bad memories, but also leaving behind the only support I’ve ever had.
A timid knock on the door pulls me out of my head. “Qiang, Mom says we’ve got to hit the road soon. We’ve got a long day of driving ahead of us,” Qi calls out.
When I talk about my support system, it’shim, through and through. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my parents, too. They’ve been amazing through everything, and I am forever grateful for the support I’ve always had, and that I know I alwayswillhave from them. But no one gets me like Qi does. No one ever has, and honestly, I don’t know if anyone ever will.
From when we were little and I first realized I danced to a different drum than most people I knew, all the way through the years that I pretended to be everything I thought I was supposed to be andnothing of what I actually am. And he was there when it all fell apart. He may be four years younger than me–my pesky little brat brother–but I know I would have never survived these last few months without him.
I know there’s supposed to be sibling rivalry and all that jazz, but all those ‘arguments’ were us just teasing each other. We’ve been best friends since he was born, and as much as I’m looking forward to getting away from this place and starting fresh, somewhere where I can just be myself without pretenses, I’m not looking forward to the twelve hours between me and my little bro bestie.
I take a deep breath and nod to myself in the mirror.I’ve got this,I tell myself, but the brown eyes staring back at me in the mirror tell me I in no way have this. Fake it ‘til you make it. That one sounds better. Not that it hasn’t screwed me in the past.
I faked everything about who I was and pretended to be everything I wasn’t and then watched that shit explode as traumatically as possible. That’s really what that means.Shit, I’m really not ready for this.
“Qiang?” Qi calls again.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming,” I call out before opening the door.
He’s got a huge smile on his face that’s just barely hiding the sadness in his eyes. I know he’s happy for me to be starting a new adventure. But I also know he’s sad that I’m leaving, too. I’ve already promised him I’d come home for the holidays and any long weekends I might get, and maybe, if Mom and Dad agree, I could have him come and stay in the dorms on occasion so he can see the campus, too.
“Hey, you excited? New start and everything,” Qi chirps as I step into the hall.
“Yeah. New start.” I try to give him a reassuring smile, but the furrow of his brow tells me he’s not buying it.
“You’re gonna do so great,” he tells me with big eyes, and part of me almost sags with relief that he still looks at me this way, even after everything that went down a few months ago. But then, because of that, a huge part of me doesn’t feel like I deserve the hero worship in my baby brother’s eyes anymore.
“You’re gonna have so much fun. Meet new friends who are gonna love you for who you are. I think you are so brave for being out and proud. Not that I didn’t think you were brave before, just that, I don’t know; I’m just so happy to know the people you meet from now on are gonna know and love you for you, you know,” he rambles on as we head towards my room to collect the last of my bags.
My classes at Iver’s Sphere University start next week, so my family and I are making the twelve-hour drive so I can move in and get settled. I’m looking forward to it, but also terrified. This will be the first time that I’ll be stepping out into a public setting as my fully authentic nonbinary omnisexual self.
Everyone here already knows all about it, but it wasn’t something I stepped out to share on my own. It was shared for me in the most humiliating way. My parents and brother have now seen a side to me that no family member should have to see. I really couldn’t care about any of the rest of the people who saw it; they showed they weren’t my true friends the moment that stupid video was blasted.
While part of me is extremely devastated and traumatized by how everything came out, there’s also a small part of me that’s a little relieved that it’s out now. Honestly, the absolute worst thing that could have happened by my coming out didn’t happen. My brother and my parents are still by my side, and it’s not like anyone else at that school was really my friend anyway.
I mean, Qi and my parents already knew the real me, but there was also this part of me that believed that not being out in public made it a little easier to hide in private. Or at least that’s the stupid shit I used to let play in my head when I lived my life in lies.
The only part of how everything played out that I can’t rationalize away as being good in any way is the one part I refuse to let myself dwell on, because it’stoomuch,toodevastating. The only reassurance I have is that Qi is safe and, thankfully, completely unaware of how close he came to danger.
“Hey, Qiang. I wanted to give this to you before we left,” Qi breaks through my thoughts. His fist is clenched around something, and I smile over at him.
“You didn’t have to get me anything, Qi,” I tell him.
He smiles over at me. “I really wanted to, though. I just– I know that you said you don’t want to hide anymore, and I’m so fucking proud of you that I thought this would be something you could have. You could wear it if you want, but if you really aren’t ready, then you don’t have to. But you have it, you know, in case you do,” he rambles.
“Qi, the anticipation is killing me. Are you going to give it to me or not?” I ask him, holding my hand out so he’ll stop his nervous rambling.
He’s always struggled with sentimental stuff. He feels like the spotlight is on him, and it makes him uncomfortable, which is a little odd to me because he’s a competitive dancer who performs in actual spotlights–on purpose.But then again, he’s talking with his body and not his mouth, which is easier for him, I think.
And it’s not like it isn’t inherited or anything. I’m just as bad about sentimental stuff, but mine is because I cry at the drop of a hat, and it usually fucks up my makeup. At least that’s the excuse I use, because it’s not like I wore enough makeup at school for such a consequence to be noticeable.
Qi huffs a bit and holds out his hand. “It’s nothing much, really, so if you don’t wear it, it’s fine. I mean, of course, it’s fine. It’s a huge thing to wear it, so I get it, you know, if it’s too much, or if it’s a dumb idea, maybe, probably,” he rambles more as he drops a pin into my hand.
