“Dorm room,” I breathe out, more than a little relieved at the space Marcus created when he moved. Just because I know better doesn’t mean it isn’t distracting as fuck to have him in my space.
“Kind of sucks because the lighting isn’t that great and I don’t really have a dedicated space for it, so I’m always having to spend as much time setting up and taking down as I do recording the actual video,” I add, almost using the normalcy of the conversation as a way to regulate the rampant train of inappropriate thoughts his closeness shot into me.
“So, having that second room could help then? You could turn it into a dedicated space and get special lights for better lighting, right?” he asks, his intense eyes searching mine.
“It’s definitely a talking point in my head. Well, that and Qi, of course. But I don’t really know how much time Qi and I will really spend with how wrapped up in Tristan he is,” I sigh out, letting out one of my fears.
I’ve been looking forward to being close to Qi again for so long; I didn’t really imagine a boyfriend being a part of that scenario, especially one who Qi seems remarkably incapable of not making out with as often as humanly possible. Not that I’m unhappy about their relationship at all, just that it’s an adjustment in the image of what I thought this last year was gonna be like, and I’m really hoping I don’t get kind of brushed off into a corner.
“I don’t think you need to worry about that. You’re his fucking hero. Pretty sure it’s universally impossible for him not to make time for you,” Marcus says, as though he can read my thoughts.
“Well, I don’t know about all of that, but thanks for saying it,” I say, because I know Qi thinks the world of me, but I don’t always feel like I deserve it.
“Not blowing smoke up your ass, it’s obvious that he thinks he’s the luckiest fucker on the planet because he got you for a sibling,” Marcus says, and I’m wondering if I’m showing more emotions on my face than normal tonight.
Maybe I ought to slow down on the wine myself. Probably shouldn’t have touched it in the first place, with my heart’s inappropriate thu-thumps whenever Marcus is around. Impaired judgment on top of pre-existing questionable judgment is a recipe for only one thing, and that’s a poison I’m not ready or willing to handle.
“The feeling’s pretty mutual,” I say in a blasé tone to mask how much the content of the conversation really means to me, or the million and one inside thoughts that are swirling around in my head.
Marcus nods for a moment and turns to where Tristan and Qi are wrapped up tight, mouths fused, and neither of them aware of their surroundings at all.
“Yeah, not surprising. Qi is pretty great. Stoked that Tristan found someone like him,” he says in a serious tone that leaves no doubt Marcus means what he said.
“I’m stoked that Qi found someone like Tristan,” I add.
“Yeah?” Marcus asks while turning towards me with something deep brewing in his eyes. “You jealous at all of what they have?”
“Nope. I’m happy that they have what they have, because it’s important tothem. But I’m not interested in having what they have, so there’s no jealousy there. Just happiness for them,” I point out, relying on the logic I’ve been using for years now.
Thing is, I’m really not interested in getting into a relationship because the fallout isn’t worth it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes miss some of the benefits of being in one.
“So, not a relationship person, then?” he pushes a bit, as though he can hear the wavering indecision in my thoughts.
But even if the wavering hope of trusting anyone enough again to allow myself to have that still flares up from time to time, there’s no universe in which Marcus could ever be that person.
“Nope, and if I haven’t misunderstood Tristan and Qi, then it’s the same for you, too,” I remind him, so he’ll backtrack away from this ridiculously unnecessary conversation.
He looks away for a minute, like he’s reflecting on himself or choosing his words, then looks back at me and nods. “Yeah. Notopposed to it, just haven’t really felt anything that made me want to mess with my priorities.”
“And that’s good. You’re barely eighteen. Let yourself be a child while you still can,” I point out.
Marcus visibly stiffens at that, his eyes narrowing a bit, and I can tell he does not like my choice of words. “Not that much of a child. I have more adult responsibilities than I do childish ones. And it’s not like you’re that much older than me. We’re only four years apart,” he points out, and yeah, I definitely hit a nerve.
“Those four years make a difference. You’re stepping into university while I’m getting ready to graduate from it. You’re stepping into that cushy existence between childhood and adulthood. I’m getting ready to step into the real world with real adult responsibilities,” I tell him, pointing out logistical facts so he’ll realize it wasn’t a jab at his maturity level, but an actual gap in our ages that’s enough to put us in different phases of life.
His jaw tightens before he hooks me with a probing gaze. “Go tell Qi that he won’t face real adult responsibilities over the next few years because he’s not a real adult yet.”
I scrunch up my forehead at that, replaying what I said in my head to see where that came from. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that you're throwing out double standards in your reasoning. I know you consider Qi a responsible adult, but not me. We’re the same age, and you don’t even know me,” he points out, and I guess I deserved that.
I let out a heavy sigh because he’s got a point.
“How about you get to know me a bit before you throw out the childish assumptions. Whether we live together or not, we’re going to be in each other’s spheres.A lot.Wouldn’t it be easier to do that as friends?” Marcus adds.
“Friends? Just friends?” I ask dubiously because the way he looks at me doesnotsay friends.
The tension leaves Marcus’s face as a huge, bright ass smile spreads across it. “Of course, just friends,” he says before letting out adramatic gasp and putting a shocked hand on his chest, “What else were you thinking? If you think you can’t handle my handsome face–”
