“Because it’ll mean more if I do it myself,” I tell him with far more confidence than I’m feeling right now. I mean, I’m great at Lego sets and model airplanes; this can’t bethatmuch different.
“If you have no intention of telling them that you’re the mastermind behind these built-ins, then what does it matter how they’re built? It’s not like they’re going to know the difference,” Darryl pointsout, and I just shake my head while grabbing a couple of pieces that look like the book’s step one pictures.
“BecauseI’llknow the difference, now stop being a baby and help me,” I tell him.
Tristan and his family, along with Qi and his family, have all gone off on a camping trip. I took the opportunity to grab Darryl and make the road trip to the university to work on the house we’re moving into. It’s already furnished and move-in ready, but I wanted to make an addition to Qiang’s room.
They run a makeup channel and have been living the dorm life since they started university, which means space has been limited. They confirmed that when I asked about it, and they mentioned the time it took to set up and take down because they’ve never had the room for a dedicated space.
They do now, though, since they’ve agreed to move into the Jack ‘n’ Jill bedrooms upstairs. They have an extra room, and I thought, what better way to make them feel welcome than by building them a room dedicated solely to a makeup channel? A massive vanity, floor-to-ceiling shelving for organization, a makeup fridge, and lighting specifically designed for filming.
The thing is, it was obvious that I made Qiang uncomfortable on my graduation night. I’m not one hundred percent sure exactly what it was I said that had Qiang slamming down walls so hard I could hear them with acute precision. Their entire demeanor went from open to cautious to completely shut down.
I struggled for a while to sort through everything that was said, the ease with which we were falling into each other. And then I realized, it didn’t matter because they’d told me the first day I met them that they weren’t interested, and I pushed it anyway.
I know I’m not imagining the heat in their eyes when they look at me sometimes. I know there’s a mutual attraction between us, but they’re not moved by it enough to appreciate me coming on to them. It doesn’t really matter if the attraction is mutual; if they don’t want any part of it, then I shouldn’t have pushed it, and I did.
This house and spending our college years together has been adream of Tristan’s, Darryl’s, and mine since our freshman year of high school. I’m already losing part of this dream since Darryl is going to the Midwest to play on his dream college team. Not that I intend to make him feel guilty about that decision. I’m happy for him; it’s a dream come true for him, but I’m still sad that he’s not coming with us.
Tristan is still coming, though, and Qi alongside him, and I want them to be happy. I still want this place to be the dream I’ve had since we first thought about moving in together for our college years. I don’t want to throw the vibes of the house off because I can’t handle this attraction to Qiang, or whatever this is.
I’ve never had this problem before. If everyone is on board, then it’s a fun time. If not, then I move on to something else. I’ve never gotten hung up on a single person before, and I sure as hell haven’t dug my heels in enough to be an ass, or come off as one.
Don’t know why Qiang is making such an impression, but I’ve got to let it go for everyone’s sake, including my own, because I don’t like feeling like this. Out of my depth, out of my head, walking on eggshells, and completely uncomfortable and awkward in my own skin. Nor do I like feeling like an inconsiderate prick either. So, yeah, definitely, this isn’t healthy on any level for anyone.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t apologize in my own way, or go out of my way to make Qiang feel more comfortable when they move in. The gesture isn’t self-serving since I intend to give all the credit to Tristan, even though Tristan doesn’t even know about it. He’ll know about it before Qiang does, and he’ll be frustrated at having to lie because he doesn’t like doing that, but he’ll do it because he’ll get it. The benefit of it, and the benefit of Qiang believing this came from him and not me.
“Hey, Marcus, I think you have the bolts in step six, not the ones in step one.”
Darryl pulls me out of my thoughts, and I look down at the bolts with a frown to compare the pictures again, and yeah, he’s right…I think. Why aren’t these things labeled better?
Darryl lets out a long-aggrieved sigh. “Seriously, man, I get youwanting to do it yourself, but I think Barry would make them look better than our sloppy IKEA impersonation. We have a couple of days. I’m sure he could get this built before we have to go back,” Darryl offers.
I think about it and sigh. Yeah, it’ll mean more if I build it, but he’s right; it’ll look better if Barry does it, and it’ll most likely be sturdier and less likely to break or have shelves fall off.
“Yeah, okay, but I want to at least hang out until it’s done,” I tell him, and he grins at me.
“Got ya, I’ll call Barry now,” he says, stepping out to make a few phone calls.
Several hours later, Barry has a blueprint drawn up, materials selected, and a game plan to have everything built within a day. He said it’s an easy project with just built-ins and the vanity. The rest of the stuff, like the lighting and fridge, is up to me. Luckily, I already had most of that ordered and scheduled for delivery later today.
My mom has watched enough of Qiang’s makeup tutorials and seen them in person to have an eye for their style, and she helped me pick some stuff that she thought would fit their aesthetic. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping. The best way to confirm is to go to the source and ask, but doing so would prevent this project from moving forward. And if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that my mom is never wrong, so I’m confident Qiang will love it.
“You know, this is a huge gesture for someone who has basically told you to sod off,” Darryl points out while Barry is out grabbing supplies.
“This isn’t about that,” I respond.
Darryl snorts with amusement. “What’s it about then, man?”
I shrug. “It’s about knowing this is important to Qi. It’s about knowing I almost fucked it up. It’s about knowing that Qiang plans to wait until the last possible minute to move in because I’ve made them uncomfortable. It’s about knowing that Qi was hoping Qiang would come sooner, and while he doesn’t know I’m the reason Qiang is delaying moving in,Iknow that, and it feels pretty shitty.”
Darryl nods. “I know you’re trying to do the mature thing, and thatyour rationalizations are on point, but I also know you, and you are in completely uncharted territory. I think sound logic, while removed from the situation, is going to be completely different from that same logic when they are here and in your face.”
I shake my head. “It’s not that deep, bro.”
He gazes back at me with a steady expression. “Thing is, I think itisthat deep. I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you have real feelings for them, and then try to move on. Denying that something exists doesn’t give you the ability to confront it and move on.
“You have time to analyze these feelings and compartmentalize them before Qiang moves in. Give yourself that. Otherwise, I think controlling this crush is going to be harder than you think it’s going to be.
