“You’ve been lying to me?” he asks me with more confusion than anger because even though he’s figured it out, I think he’s still trying to fathom that I’ve been actively lying to him.
“And that sounds an awful lot like my cue to take off,” Natasha says awkwardly.
“Qiang, rest up, and call me if you need me to come around and crush some balls. Actually, call me anyway to let me know you’re still good. Qi, pleasure to meet you, just try and remember your sibling has had a rough day, so maybe don't betooharsh on them,” she says quickly while grabbing her bag and making a hasty exit.
I swallow at the loud silence she leaves behind, then look at Qi. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then what was it like?”
I heave out a sigh, my brain going foggy from everything being way too much all at once. “I just… I tried in the beginning, you know. But everyone I went to wanted me to– it doesn’t matter; it just wasn’t working. It was making me feel worse, so I just dealt with it on my own.”
“You mean like you did today?” he asks sardonically. “I mean, you kneed him in the balls, so progress, but you’re also laid up after having done so. So do you really feel like it’s been nicely dealt with and squared away?” he points out.
“I… it was a shock, is all. I’ll be fine, Qi,” I respond, not offering an argument in my favor at all because I know I don’t have one.
Qi sighs and plops down on the bed beside me. “Qiang. It worries me. It worries me that he’s here and that you’re this affected. Like I knew there was no way he wouldn’t affect you on some level, and I knew there was still some shit going on inside your head because you refuse to move on to anyone new, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. And of course it’s this bad if you haven’t even worked on it at all.”
I roll my eyes because I know he cares, but I have mostly dealt with it. I’m able to keep it tucked away most of the time; today was just a really nasty shock.
“I have, though. I just said that I dealt with it.”
Qi frowns. “How did you deal with it, Qiang? By throwing it in a corner and ignoring it. Avoid anything that reminded you it was there. News flash, until you actively put it in the waste bin and take it out, it’s never going to leave your head; it’s just going to sit there in that corner and take up space,” he says with frustration.
I don’t know why, because nothing he said was wrong or even overtly mean or angry, but after everything today, having him be disappointed in me at all is the final straw that knocks my control over my emotions out of my hands. Tears flood my eyes and fall, and I curl up as everything starts to wash over me. Without a word, Qi wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me up against him to soothe me.
“Aren’t you mad at me?” I barely sniffle out through a steady stream of tears.
He reaches up, and his fingers start brushing through my hair. “Yes, but that’s because I love you. Pisses me off that you’re hurtingyourself and don’t even realize it, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you here to cry on your own.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I cry out, hugging him tighter, like I’m afraid he’ll realize it and leave me here to spiral on my own.
Instead, he reaches up and flicks my nose.Hard. As if I’m not already crying hard enough. “The biggest problem you have, Qiang, is that you honestly believe that, and you’resowrong. You deserve all the good things. You always have,” he says resiliently, and it’s with the same storge he’s always had for me. Even in anger, that idolizing tone he’s always had for me hasn’t wavered.
STRESS & MIND GAMES
Marcus’s POV
It’s been silent since I walked through the front door of our house. I think Tristan is trying to create some sort of ‘there’s nothing to worry about’ vibe because he’s got a textbook on the counter like he’s studying and acting like nothing out of the ordinary is happening right now. The fact that I can feel his eyes on me every time I look away and he hasn’t flipped a page in over ten minutes kind of ruins the act he’s trying to put on, but I don’t mention it as I pace restlessly.
To be honest, Qi freaked me the fuck out. He’s like the sweetest, most patient human I have ever met, so his reaction to Kingston, along with the look on his face when he realized Kingston had approached Qiang, was all the confirmation I needed to know how bad this all really is. Even with the random bit of cliffnotes I’ve been given up to this point, I don’t know enough details to really know how deep everything goes.
I mean, what I’ve heard is shitty, and definitely enough for me to understand the anger, resentment, and trust issues, but it’s all just been the barest recounting of events. There have been so few emotional details expressed that, if it weren’t for readingbetween the lines and catching the small hints of panic and despair that sometimes creep into Qiang’s eyes, I’d have had no way of really knowing how bad it was until Qi gave it away earlier.
Now, there’s panic knowing Qiang is up there hurting, and there’s frustration because the most basic desire I have is to go up there and make sure they are okay, and if they aren’t, to be the one to make them okay, and I can’t. We aren’t there yet, and we may never be there. Which really is something I don’t even want to consider right now, or really, ever.
I keep telling my heart to prepare for that, because I know I may not actually win their heart the way I want, but I’ve never been good at giving up, even when I know how stacked the odds are against me.
Regardless of all of that, I know that right now the most important thing is knowing Qiang is okay, and as much as I wish I were the one to verify that, I know the best person to be up there is Qi right now. And I don’t resent their sibling bond at all, but I don’t think there’s ever been a moment where I wished harder that I could be that person for Qiang, too.
“Do you think they’re okay?” I ask Tristan, breaking the silence.
Tristan lets out a heavy sigh before dropping the act of studying and looking at me fully. “I haven’t heard from Qi yet, so I’m assuming Qiang is up there, and breathing. Whether they are mentally okay is another question. But Qi hasn’t messaged me to tell me anything dire is going on, so I don’t think there’s much use in overstressing right now.”
“How are you so calm?” I bite out almost resentfully.
Not sure if the resentment is that he’s doing a better job of pretending to be calm, or resentful that I know he’s trying to keep me calm, and I don’t think that’s an emotion that should exist under the circumstances at all.
Tristan’s eyes meet mine, and I can see so much in them. Concern for me, concern for them upstairs, empathy, and that deep sense of feeling the air around him that he tries so hard to stay immune to because he’s not the greatest about handling big feelings, especially when they are negative.
