“Why?” Cade asks incredulously. “Because it’s fun. Because I wanted to play a bit and see how much of you I could read, to see how you operate, and definitely to get a feel for the two of you.
“I’m extremely picky about who I align myself with. My family’s reputation isn’t the greatest, as I’m sure you know, so everything I do, along with the people I surround myself with, is carefully chosen to align with the reputation I want my family to have going forward.
“The relationships I have, the investments I make, and the favors I give are there to help build a stronger reputation. It doesn’t mean that I’m not still well-trained in some rather shady practices, nor that my moral compass always points in what society deems the right direction, however, I also make sure everything I do sticks to a moral code thatIam proud of,” he says sincerely, his face morphing from the cold exterior we’ve seen so far to a more genuine mixture of pride and sincerity.
For the first time since knowing him, I feel like I’m seeing enough of the real him to understand why Gio and Holt trust him so much.
I turn to look at Tristan, who is gazing back at me with an unsure expression. I know he feels Cade’s genuineness, too, even if the sting of being played with this whole dinner is still smarting. I turn back to Cade and give him a glimpse of the same sincerity he just gave us.
“I don’t know if this helps your confidence in the reputation you’re building, but it’s the friendships you have that recommended youmore for this inquiry than your personal reputation. So your reputation is still shady as fuck, but the crowd you’re aligning yourself with is recommending you despite that.”
Cade raises his eyebrows at that. “How so?”
I shrug nonchalantly. “Your reputation is so mafia-coded it’s ridiculous—definitely not someone we’d trust. But we trust Gio and Holt and their ability to choose their friends wisely, so…” I let it trail off, knowing he’s got the point.
Cade lets out a small laugh and shakes his head. “Fair point, and speaking of Gio and Holt, I’m sure they’ve already mentioned there’s going to be a party at Zeta Tau Xi this weekend, and we’d love for you guys to join us,” he says, talking about the frat house that he’s the president of, and both Gio and Holt live in as well.
I have a feeling that he’s genuinely inviting us, but there was also a vulnerable fondness that passed his face at the mention of Gio and Holt, and I think it’s also a way to change the subject before he gives too much of his interior away.
Just because he’s going to help us doesn’t mean he’s ready to trust us enough to see him without his mask off. Honestly, I feel like he’s the kind of person whono onegets to see with his mask all the way off, including the friends he’s so obviously fond of.
“We’ll be there,” Tristan very uncharacteristically agrees firmly, most likely picking up on the idea that this guy could be more than just an acquaintance if we play our cards right. Something tells me he isn’t wrong and that Cade could be a good friend to have once you get past the mind games and disreputable reputation.
IT’S ME, NOT YOU
Qiang’s POV
I’ve barely left my room for anything other than classes for the last two days. Unhealthy, I know. Possibly a bit unnecessary too, since I’ve survived one more session of that class that Kingston’s in now, since that first run-in with him earlier this week.
It helped that he sat as far on the opposite end of the room as possible, and it was easy to keep him out of my line of sight. I would have almost forgotten he was there at all if it weren’t for the uneasy prickle in my stomach.
Although the biggest reason I got through it unscathed was the series of funny animal reels Qi sent during that class, along with the rather alarming torture methods Natasha sent. I know they both did it to help keep my mind off of Kingston being in my sphere, and Qi’s videos were the perfect combination of sweet and hilarious to keep that prickle in my stomach from turning into a full-on ripple.
Natasha’s, on the other hand, while the milder ones were amusing to imagine happening to Kingston, the less mild ones were physically painful to watch, even though I wasn’t the one they were directed at. They were definitely distracting and one of the firmest reminders ofhow thankful I am that she is my friend, along with all the reasons why I will never, ever cross that slightly sweet, mostly quirky, and thinly veiled evil woman.
The fact that I’ve managed relatively decently enough to survive his presence, not once, but twice now, doesn’t mean either encounter was with ease. The first time, I held my own until I could find a safe place to crumble to pieces. The second time was almost exactly the same.
Between the distance and the distractions, I was able to focus enough to follow along with the professor and make it out of that room as though Kingston’s presence there hadn’t registered at all.
If there’s any superpower I can claim, it’s the ability to hyperfocus on something and drown out everything else, no matter how loud or emotionally upsetting it is. That doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t make me spiral later when everything is calm, and I have nothing to focus on to drown it out, but the ability is definitely useful to survive the trauma in the moment.
My stomach was twisted up in knots, and I knew I was gonna have to find a bathroom the second I walked out of the room, but Natasha, waiting just outside the door when class ended, helped override the tumultuous queasiness. Her chirpy chatter from that moment until Qi and Tristan showed up after practice was enough to keep me simmered down.
I’m thankful to have them; they are helping keep things manageable. But ever since I learned Kingston was here, it just feels like there’s a ball in my stomach that is just waiting for the chance to explode.
Everyone is keeping it at bay, but not enough for me to ignore it entirely. Part of me just wants to stay in this stupid limbo, hovering over the line between just enough and too much, but the reality is I know it’s not going to go away until I let it explode. I’m just absolutely terrified it’ll obliterate me to the point that I’ll never come back if I let it.
It doesn’t help that there’s now a bit of an impasse between Qi and me because I know he wants me to go to therapy, and he’s findingnew ways to sneak reputable therapists’ names and numbers in my stuff for me to find, but I’m still reeling from everything.
I’m saving the names and numbers, which is already progress. I haven’t actually made any calls yet, but I’m thinkingreallyhard about it.
I know he’s worried and he cares, but there’s now a light ripple of disappointment that I always felt should have been there all along. Now that it’s there like I’ve always expected and been so surprised it wasn’t, I want it gone, obliterated. Expecting him to be disappointed in me, and agreeing that he very muchshouldbe disappointed in me, were so wholly better as concepts than the actual reality of it.
It’s wanting to climb the barrier my lies have built more than anything that has me agreeing to go to a frat party with him, Tristan, and Marcus. I’m not up to going at all, but the more I alienate myself, the more worried Qi is gonna be, and the more worried Qi is, the more they’re gonna focus on the therapy thing.
It’s something I’m working my way up to fixing; I’m not avoiding it, but I’m not fully ready either. In the meantime, the more of my normal self I can be around Qi, the more he’ll ease up, and maybe that wall will come back down.
With all that in mind, I take another look in the mirror to make sure I’m satisfied with my appearance. It’s one thing tofeelshitty on the inside, and a whole other thing tolookshitty on the outside. I may not be able to hide the shitstorm from myself, but I’m the master at putting up a gorgeous ‘devil may care’ front, and tonight is no different.
