Qi gives me a quizzical look before going back to my original question. “I guess I kind of get that too because I’ve never really thought too much about the genders I’m attracted to, you know, when I do feel attraction, anyway. It’s never really been very specific for me either.
“As far as being demiromantic, though, maybe you are, and Qiang is the first one you’ve made this kind of connection with enough to feel that type of attraction. Or maybe you’re not, and you’ve been so focused on your goals that you’ve never let anyone get close enough to you until this thing with Qiang put them in your space and kept them there long enough that you couldn’t keep them out. Who knows? Maybe if you were open to a relationship all along, you’d have felt it easier. Or maybe you’d have been just as gutted by this thing with Qiang because you are demiromantic and it was always going to be like this for you.
“I’ve wondered the same thing about my feelings for Tristan. Am I demiromantic, and he’s just the first I’ve felt that attraction to? Or have I been alloromantic all along, and Tristan was the first that I really allowed time to explore feelings with? Maybe I was just unlucky with feelings before him; I don’t know. And honestly, it doesn’t really matter because my feelings for him are the same regardless of whether I’m demiromantic or alloromantic. Demiromanticism just makes sense to me, which is why it’s the label I use. Not because I know for sure that’s what I am, but because it’s what resonates with me.
“Understanding that was one of the hardest things I went through when trying to figure out my feelings for Tristan. I was so hung up on labels that I forgot to question whether having a label would change how I felt about him at all. Which it didn’t, and reaching that conclusion was what finally got me to move forward with him,” he explains steadily.
“I know my feelings for Qiang aren’t going to change based on a label. It’s more of an idle curiosity than anything. Like maybe there’s this piece of me that exists that I didn’t realize until now,” I point out.
“Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, and if you want to explore that side of yourself, then you definitely should. But I’m also curious why you feel the need to label your romanticism, but are content with leaving your sexuality ambiguous. It’s not really uncommon to focus more on one than the other. I’m just curious,” he inquires, and I sit back and think about it a moment before answering.
“I think it’s because there was no mystery in how I feel sexual attraction. There’s no surprise or randomness in it; it’s just the way I am, and the way I’ve always been. And I guess in all fairness, if I am demiromantic, then that’s probably always existed too; it’s just more of an unexpected piece than being sexually attracted to multiple genders,” I try to rationalize.
“You know, Tristan and I hang out with a couple of different aroace groups, and you’re more than welcome to join us. Come talk to others who are under the aroace umbrella. It’s amazing to see howvastly different people experience their attractions, you know,” he offers, and I nod my head.
“I might do that,” I hedge, not wanting to commit, but not wanting to shut it down either. It’s an idle curiosity that’s grown a bit, but as he pointed out earlier, whether I am or I’m not, it won’t change the way I feel about Qiang.
Qi has an elbow propped on the counter, and he leans his head against his hand, his eyes slowly grazing my face. “So, can I pry a bit?” they ask.
“It’s only fair.”
“Tristan said that you being bi/pan/omni/whatever-allosexual is fairly new, but you just said it’s always existed…” he trails off, and I don’t need him to finish the question for him to know what he’s asking.
“Well, the thing is, I never said Iwasn’tinterested in other genders,” I respond weakly, because I remember how much of an ass I felt like when Tristan realized both Darryl and I weren’t straight and had both failed to ever mention it to him.
“Tristan just kind of assumed. It’s not like I was trying to hide anything from him; it’s just that stuff never mattered to him, so we never talked about it until you came around, and then it was mostly about him and his feelings. Not that he negated mine or anything, just that they weren’t important to the conversation. And maybe I would have been quicker to say something if Tristan had been struggling with the concept that he was into multiple genders, but he wasn’t. He was struggling with the reality of never having felt anything at all to feeling everything at once, but still not having that visceral hunger that everyone around him seemed to have.
“Most of my sleeping around has been discreet. Tristan was never into the scene. So while Darryl has seen me slink off with a guy or two–and even joined in with me–on more than one occasion, it’s not something Tristan would have seen or noticed, especially since Tristan’s flirting detection radar is non-existent. There are definitely scenarios that I remember where if it weren’t for knowing how far offthe radar these things are for Tristan, I’d question how he could possibly havenotknown before this,” I explain.
Qi smiles at me. “So it was more like Tristan was overlooking the elephants in the room?”
I nod in response. “Pretty much.”
Qi snorts out a laugh and sits all the way back up. “I feel that. I was pretty much the last to know that something was brewing between you and Qiang, even though you were both around Tristan and me all the time.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Does that bother you?”
“What, you having feelings for Qiang? I thought I was being kind of obvious with the support,” he says.
“You are. I meant, does missing social cues bother you?” I reiterate.
Understanding lights up in his eyes. “Oh. Not really anymore. I mean, they bothered me more when Owen and Paxton used it against me. Not that they meant to. They thought they were being funny and didn’t realize they weren’t. Or if it put me in a compromising position because I didn’t realize someone was flirting, even though it was obvious to everyone else. But now, between Owen and Paxton working through their shit, and my being with Tristan, it makes a lot of those scenarios nonexistent now.”
“So it never bothered you from just the standpoint of not getting it?” I ask, remembering how it had irked Tristan enough for us to keep sexual innuendos and stuff off the table out of respect for his comfort levels.
Qi shakes his head. “Not really, no. I think knowing that stuff just isn’t at the forefront of my mind helps explain why I’m inept in those areas. It’d be hard to understand all the Easter eggs in theMCUif you weren’t aMarvelfan, right? And while my ineptitude may not be as epic as theMCU, I think the logic still stands. Why would I get context clues that are spoken in a language that doesn’t exist for me the same way it does for others? And since I’m completely content not experiencing that culture, then why wouldnotunderstanding the language get underneath my skin? It’s only when people actively try to make me feel stupid for it that it bothers me, and even being bothered inthat context is more because of my personal insecurities about my intelligence levels than anything else. Which is really why, when I have curiosities that venture down the sexual nature of life, I tend to look to Qiang more for advice because I know they won’t fault me for it.”
I have to bite back a laugh at that. “Really? You and Tristan are like tied for the smartest people I know.”
Qi hooks another eyebrow at me. “Did you know I’m dyslexic?”
“That doesn’t make you less intelligent, Qi,” I point out, not sure if that’s what he was implying.
Qi huffs out a laugh. “I realize that…now. It was really hard when I was younger to understand that when I was constantly failing out because I struggled so hard with text. I still do, especially numbers. I switch words in sentences and get numbers backward all the time. I have to be hyperaware of everything I read to make sure I’m comprehending it correctly, and math is absurd.”
“That’s why you study as much as you do,” I mumble out, understanding one of the many mysteries of Qi.
“Exactly. It’s also why I may ace tests, but I also barely make the time deadlines. I’m almost always the last to finish, and there’s been more than one occasion when I’ve lost out on a perfect score because I couldn’t work through it in time. I get that being dyslexic doesn’t have anything to do with my intelligence levels, but sometimes insecurities are illogical. So when people make me feel stupid, whether it’s sensible or not, my back bristles,” he points out, making the point of why he’s insecure about his intelligence, even though he knows it’s illogical.
