Though I’m drainedfrom the day, I’m not quite ready for bed.
My mind is a mess of thoughts, and I want to talk to Ainsley. I think I’ll feel better when I do. So, I hop on my bike and make the short ride to her house.
As her porch comes into view, I pump the brakes and prop it up on the kickstand in her driveway. She doesn’t notice me at first, with her head tilted down, sitting on the porch swing, hugging her legs to her chest. As I get closer, she buries her head in her knees, and her shoulders shake.
My shoulders sag, and I can’t seem to suck in enough air as sadness grips my lungs.
She looks so small, so unlike her usual self. I hate that she thinks she can only show this side of her in private. Alone.
I climb the steps and the swing sways backward as I lower myself onto it. I curl my arms around her, and her head snaps up, tears streaking down her cheeks.
“Landon, what are you doing here?”
“Came to see you.” My throat thickens as I’m met with her watery hazel eyes. “Why are you crying?”
She sniffles, and leans into me. “I went to the doctor with my dad. The medicine that was keeping the cancer at bay isn’t working anymore.”
I swallow. “How much time does he have?”
Ainsley chokes back a sob. “I’ll be lucky if he sees me graduate.”
Fuck.
“They said they’ll give him pain medication to make him as comfortable as possible. But there’s nothing else they can do.”
I hug her tight, giving her the space to let out everything she’s been holding in.
And she does.
She cries, muffling her sobs in my shirt, while I’m helpless to shield her from this agony.
Could I really leave her and start a new life California?
I’ve spent so long dreaming of a different life on the other side of the country, as far away from my father’s reach as possible. I still want that. But Ainsley has been here for me on the days I’ve been at my worst. She’s been my rock, my confidant. Now,sheneedsme.
Shouldn’t I stay here for her?
My therapist tells me I can’t hold myself back for my mother; that she’s a grown adult, and can make her own choices to stay or leave my father. But I’m crushed by the weight of the guilt I feel knowing that I’m leaving her behind...and now Ainsley is added to that list.
I smooth my hand over her damp hair, playing with the ends of her strands. Her hair is rarely down, and I feel lucky to catch a glimpse of her like this, after a shower in her pajamas, letting not only her hair down, but her walls too.
“You’re strong, Ainsley Morgan.” I whisper my words as I press a kiss to the top of her head. “I know this hurts, but you’regoing to survive it. Your father might leave this earth, but he will never truly leaveyou. He’ll be watching over you and all you do.”
“Do you believe in God?”
“I’m not sure what’s out there, but I do believe in spirits. I think you leave your physical body when you die, but your spirit goes somewhere else. Somewhere better.” I push off the porch to start a gentle rock on the swing. “After my grandma died when I was a kid, this giant butterfly would land on my finger in my backyard. I know it couldn’t be the same butterfly year after year, but it always landed on my finger. To this day, I’m convinced it was my grandmother.”
“That’s cute.” Ainsley lets out a light laugh. “I wonder if my dad’s spirit will meet with my mother’s.”
“He absolutely will. And then you’ll be the luckiest of all because you’ll have two incredible guardian angels watching over you.”
We’re quiet for a while, each of us contemplating things way bigger than ourselves.
“Can you stay here?” Ainsley lifts her head and looks at me with those wide brown eyes, rimmed with tears. “Just for a little longer before you head home?”
“Of course.” I adjust myself on the swing, settling back against the cushion and pulling Ainsley against me. “Of course, I can stay.”
At least for now.
