“At Elmwood,” he said. “It’s not…Rae, she’s not getting better, and you being here doesn’t change that. But you could change other things.”
I scrubbed harder. “I’m not interested in changing anything but this right now. My brain literally can’t hold any other case. It’d be unfair to take on something.”
“I think it’s unfair that you’re not even open to considering it.”
“Nico,” I warned.
“I know you’re into her.”
“Into her?” I laughed. “Wow.”
“But she’d agree that sitting in limbo is going to do nothing for you. It’s going on two weeks. We should consider…going somewhere. Even if it’s just a small job to get some perspective. We can come back. We could always come back. Elmwood will not be a rearview mirror thing. It would never be forever.”
“There’s nothing left out there.” I slid out of the booth and went to the kitchen sink to run my hands under the cold water. “You know that. Even before we got here. Nico, I need to stay…”
“And do what?” He got up too, joining me at the sink. “Become a rancher?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. The window faced the house. My sisters were still here; I could see the faint outline of them on the couch across from Wilson, Jonah, and December. They were playing Magic. I brushed the back of my hand along my cheekbone.
“You’re not a rancher,” Nico whispered.
“I’m not a hunter either. Not right now.” I splashed water on my face. “All I want right now is to figure out how I’m supposed to accept losing her. How I’m supposed to proceed with living.”
“Distance,” he insisted. “That would help.”
I shook my head, breathing in a few water droplets by accident. “I’m tired of moving; I want to be in one place. Planted somewhere so I can rest, you know? You don’t want that ever?”
Nico searched my face, looking for the girl who’d grown up with him. The one who longed for adventure and excitement. Who’d begged her parents for her own hunting belt and the keys to a car so she could go out and build something. So she could burn through miles and miles of concrete, visiting town after town, diner after diner. It’d all been magical and real, but it was now fading into something that could barely be read.
“Not even a research position?” Nico whispered, a last-ditch effort. “Something with demons.”
“One day.” I nodded. “Maybe.”
Nico’s nose wrinkled, but he didn’t protest. He reached for my hand and held it. We stood there, not saying a word as we stared at how our hands fit into one another. The light from outside faded. I didn’t know which one of us let go first, but in the end, I’d bet everything it was a mutual release.
“I’d still swim against the tide with you,” he whispered before pressing a kiss on my forehead. “Whenever you’d like the company.”
I smiled. “I’ll always like your company.”
THIRTY-FOUR
“‘It’sone thing I can’t stand—the equipment,’” Rae read from her book. Her voice had been miles away. Every day, I got a little closer to it. Rae’s necklace helped me build a bridge back to her. And today, I could move my fingers. I could cross the bridge in its entirety.
My nails were shorter than I remembered, so when I curled my fingers around the silky blanket, I could barely maintain a grip.
“‘In those old days, things weren’t built better, but hell, I did like to get my hands dirty,’” she continued. “‘It always made it…’”
I opened my eyes, blinking twice to clear away the blur. The heavy quilt covering me smelled like Wilson’s aftershave. The paintings on the walls were the ones the university shipped back to him per his request. I always wondered how much he’d left behind. Wondered if I should offer to get it or if he preferred the past to stay that way.
“You were carrying it all this time…” My throat was dry, the words almost impossible to get out.
Rae tossed down the book, coming to my side. “Octavia?”
“Right?”
She shook her head, ignoring my question as her gaze darted all over my face and body. Her hands were a welcome chill. I let her press down on the skin underneath my eyes. She held her phone’s flashlight up, shining it into my face.
“Look this way,” she said quickly, as if she were running out of time. “And the other way.”
