“No, it’s not that.” Not all of it, at least. Octavia had simply added fertilizer to my seed of doubt. But I’d planted it a long time ago. Watered it every day.
“Then, what is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Rae—”
“I don’t,” I snapped and then squeezed my eyes shut and covered them with my hands. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay.” Nico was quiet. He touched my knee,giving it a gentle squeeze before letting it go. “If this whole thing isn’t what you want anymore, you realize that’s okay?”
“This is what I want.” I dropped my hands from my face, meeting his gaze.
Nico watched and waited, offering me his hand again. We used to hold hands whenever one of us wanted to cry because hugging always seemed to make the waterworks last longer.
“Of course it’s what I want,” I whispered while looking at my hand in his. “There’s nothing to complain about.”
“The shared bathroom, not one?” he teased. “Or the dumping of said shared bathroom? That’s a top-tier complaint for me. Especially after we’ve all caught up on our fiber now. December’s new diet plan is great, love the lowered risk of colon cancer and all, but…damn, it takes forever to air this place out.”
I laughed. “Maybe one thing to complain about.”
“Why are you being so modest and positive? You’re never modest and positive.”
“I’m showing gratitude for what I have.”
He tilted his brow. “Is that right?”
“This is a good job. I get to do it with you and them. I don’t know what else I could need.” And I hated that. I hated feeling so unsettled after working so long to get here. What kind of person complained about their dreams coming true?
Maybe a person who doesn’t feel like they fit inside it?
“We are helping people.” Nico let go of my hand so he could use his to point at my chest. “You are. But if that’s not settling well anymore, then consider changing something. Consider the Guild?—”
“Nico.” I laughed. “No.”
“Then, independent research? There’s the Scotland spirit archive.”
“Isn’t that the positionyou’vewanted since you got cleared to carry a loaded weapon?” I teased.
“We’vebeen eyeing.” He gestured between the two of us. “You can’t tell me the archives don’t sound like a good time.”
“They sound incredible.”
He held up his hands. “There we have it.”
I groaned at how it all still didn’t fit, and he didn’t get it.
Nico’s posture deflated. “What?”
“Let’s put a pin in it.”
“You were literally about to cry a second ago. I’m not pinning anything.”
Before I could answer, December called, “We’re good to go!”
“Yeah?” I straightened. The air was lighter, with impending life-altering decisions pushed to the back burner.
“Hunter-in-training made the fix.” December followed a beaming Jonah with a proud smile of her own.
