Lydia drew her hand back into herself, not quite sure what had prompted her to make such a rash action. She was pleased that Victor had not seemed to notice. He moved past the bed and opened some drawers.
“I was simply thinking about how different things might have been if I didn’t come searching for grandmother,” she said.
“Yes. The thought had crossed my mind as well,” Victor murmured. “We wouldn’t be married for one thing.”
“No, but I wouldn’t be taking care of John either.”
“You would have been free of the burden,” Victor replied.
“Do you still see it as a burden?”
Victor turned, and she couldn’t quite comprehend the look in his eyes. “Of course, it is a burden.”
“You can be heartless sometimes, Victor.”
“I am only stating the truth. A child is a burden on anyone. That does not mean I do not enjoy spending time with him, or looking after him, but it is an extra responsibility, and that cannot be denied.”
As he said this, he pulled out a blanket from the drawer, the same kind in which John had been swaddled on that first day. Lydia stared at the family’s emblem, and once again wondered if Victor was hiding something from her. Was that why he hadn’t acknowledged their kiss because he was ashamed of lying to her?
She wished he could just be honest with her. For someone who spoke about honor in such reverent tones, he did not seem to heed its requirements.
“Is there something else?” Victor stared at her.
Lydia sighed. “I suppose not,” she said and then turned away. Her footsteps were forlorn. Although she did not welcome the current circumstances of her life, she wasn’t sure that she would have changed things if she could. John’s presence had made such an indelible mark on her that she couldn’t wish for a life without him.
She knew it was foolish because he wasn’t really her child, but she cared for him, worried about him, was amused by him, and took joy in his presence. It was hard not to feel love for something that was so pure and innocent, someonewho demanded so much from her and yet gave such profound feelings back in return.
John needed her in a way that nobody had before, and Lydia could not shirk that responsibility. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to be relieved of it either, but did she dare hope that John’s mother wouldn’t have been found? The only problem was that it meant she would be forced to stay with Victor.
There was a shadow to every light.
Thinking about John so much made Lydia’s heart ache, so she sought him out. To her surprise, John wasn’t alone. Lord Harry was in the room, rocking the baby gently, singing an old folk song in a low, solemn voice. Lydia smiled because John looked content, and Lord Harry only stopped when he noticed Lydia standing in the doorway.
“Oh, I’m sorry that you had to hear that,” he said with a sheepish smile.
“You don’t have to apologize. John seemed to like it.”
“I’m not sure he has developed a discerning taste yet, but he is a receptive audience. Would you like him?” Lord Harry offered John to her.
Lydia would, but she did not want to disturb the baby.
“He seems quite happy in your arms,” Lydia said.
“Yes… he does. It’s strange, I’ve never been around children before, but it’s not as difficult as it looks, is it? It’s as though our arms are designed to hold them.”
“Yes, I was nervous when my nephew arrived in the world, but I took to it quite naturally. I think being caring comes naturally to some people,” she said, a frustrated tone coming into her voice.
“May I assume you are speaking about someone in particular?” Lord Harry asked.
Lydia realized she had forgotten her manners. “Of course not,” she said, a little flustered. Lord Harry just laughed.
“You don’t have to put on airs around me. I’ve been Victor’s brother a lot longer than you’ve been his wife. I know how frustrating he can be, but at least he’s done the right thing by this child,” Lord Harry said.
“Yes… I suppose he has. I’m sorry by the way. Victor told me what happened to you. It can’t have been easy to be told that you couldn’t be with the person you loved.”
The laughter faded, and Lord Harry’s face fell.
“Yes, well, there’s no changing some things. We just have to get on with it and hope for the best. It’s all part of life, and that’s what’s waiting for you, isn’t it John?” Lord Harry lifted John up and smiled widely. John kicked out his legs and giggled. Lydia couldn’t help but smile too and found the contrast betweenVictor and Lord Harry remarkable. Victor had struggled to bond with John whereas Lord Harry seemed to find it entirely natural.
