A deep, sorrowful breath left his lungs as he realized that he had lost everything that had mattered to him. He might have protected his family’s reputation but at what cost? What did that matter to him now that Lydia was gone?
Something caught his eye in the corner of the room. He bent down and picked up a small cloth that Georgia had used when she fed John. He held it in his hands, smiling at the small size of it. A tremor passed through his heart. His lower lip wobbled. Then, something happened that was completely uncharacteristic for him. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he pressed his palms around the cloth. He clenched his fist around it and then marched out of the room.
For the next two weeks, he threw himself into work and the business of managing the duchy. He wore a stoic mask, pretending that he accepted the change without any difficulty at all, and the servants may not have noticed any difference, butthere was a difference. He was muted and drawn, the life having been sapped from him, and all he could see was that every day would be like the last.
It was a kind of living death from which there was no escape, and he thought himself condemned to this, for he could never have what he genuinely wanted. Lydia made it clear that she did not wish to be with him, and there was no sense in harassing her and making her life more difficult than it already was.
So, he existed, but he did not live.
Chapter Thirty-Three
“Lydia, we are coming in,” Charlotte said in a brisk tone. She and Rose entered. They had been knocking on the door for a few minutes. Lydia was in a puddle on the bed, arms circled, hair strewn across her pillow, tears rolling down her cheeks. She had been a wretched creature for the past two weeks. A great rent had been torn in her heart, and as far as she was concerned, there was no way to repair it at all.
“Oh Lydia,” Rose said. Both women fell to Lydia’s side and made comforting gestures. Charlotte gathered Lydia’s hair and pulled it away from her face while Rose stroked her back. She commanded a maid to bring some water.
“I don’t want water. I don’t want anything,” Lydia said.
“You must drink, Lydia. You must keep up your strength. You cannot go on like this. I know it has been difficult for you, but—” Charlotte said.
Lydia glared at her.
“You don’t know at all because you get to hug your children every night. You get to sit with your husband and know that you have everything you could ever want in life. Neither of you can understand because you both have what I have always wanted, and it is sheer torture to watch you enjoy all the fruits of love while I have to cling to the rotten, decayed elements.”
“Lydia, you are better than this. You knew that it was always going to be temporary,” Rose said in a calm tone.
“Knowing it was one thing, living it quite another. I am glad that John is with his true parents, but I still opened my heart to him and treated him as my own child. For a time, he filled a hole in my heart, and he showed me that I do want to be a mother, more than anything. When I gazed down at him, and he gazed up at me, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. It felt as though we belonged to each other.”
Charlotte inched closer to Lydia and put an arm around her shaking shoulder.
“Lydia, he was never yours,” she whispered.
Lydia knew this, of course, even though her heart tried to deny it. A great swell of emotion emerged from her throat as a sob, and she buried her face in Charlotte’s neck.
“At least you know what you want, and there is nothing to say that you won’t be able to have it in the future. I’m sure the annulment will come through soon, and you can resume your life as it was before,” Rose said, trying to be helpful.
Lydia shook her head. “There is no going back to what it was before. How can there be? I have been changed on the inside. My heart is not the same. It has been scorned by that cruel brute of a man. Oh, you should have seen him. He didn’t even care that John was being taken away. He stood there as though he couldn’t wait to get back to his life. And when I declared I was leaving, he didn’t even try to stop me! There was no word of him showing affection, but for a moment, I thought… I thought… oh pity me for I have been a fool. A deluded, silly fool. What use is there for romance? It does not exist for me. I hate him. I hate him!”
Charlotte and Rose glanced at each other.
“I’m not sure you do, Lydia. In fact, I think the opposite is true,” Charlotte said.
Lydia’s eyes were drawn, and there were dark shadows beneath them.
“What do my feelings matter now? We had an arrangement, and we stuck to it. I thought he was changing during our time together, but it must all have been an illusion. I let myself fall prey to the yearnings of my heart. I should have known better. I should have been strong! It’s so strange, isn’t it, that I should bemoan myself for loving my husband! What a cruel irony it isthat I should be married to a man who despises me, a man whose heart is a cold stone.”
Charlotte squeezed her tightly. Rose came to sit on the other side of her and leaned against her.
“Oh Lydia, I am sorry this has happened to you. I, too, hoped that this might end up with you and Victor falling in love, but I suppose that some men just cannot change,” Charlotte said. Then she angled her body so that she was looking at Lydia directly. She placed both hands on Lydia’s shoulders. “But you must not lose yourself to sorrow. It has been two weeks now, and while I can understand the profound impact these events have had on your life, you cannot lose yourself like this. You are worth more than that. There are still a great many things for you to accomplish and enjoy. You are too bright a creature to hide away in your bedchamber, wasting away the days. You know that flowers need light to bloom.”
“I am done blooming,” Lydia said.
“Lydia, you must listen to your sister. She speaks sense. I hate to see you like this,” Rose added.
“All I ever wanted was to marry a man I loved and have children. In a way, I achieved both those things but not in the way I wanted and certainly not in the order I presumed they would happen. What is the use of me blooming when nothing will be the same? And for all his faults, I do love Victor… I do,” she admitted.
“Perhaps being in London is not helping. It must be difficult seeing so many things that remind you of him. Come to Florence with Edmund and me. We will make a grand time of it, and it will do you good to be in an unfamiliar place,” Rose said eagerly.
“I would not want to encroach on your trip. You must be looking forward to enjoying time alone,” Lydia said.
