“I didn’t realize you were looking to be in the running, Mr. McGraw,” she squinted with a tilted head.
“I’m not a liar, so it’s time I admit that I’m checking for you a little more than I imagined. I can’t say I want a relationship, but I could use an acquaintance,” I admitted.
“To friendship,” she said holding out her hand. I grabbed it and kissed her knuckles gently. As I knew the beat of my heart started playing at its own tune. Our hands stayed within each other’s long enough for me to conclude that being her friend would open me up to being a little more ready than I was available for.
Over lunch, we continued to chat and get to know more about each other. I spoke to her about my parents. She spoke about her father being the governor and what that meant for her. She didn’t like to speak on him much, and I didn’t pry. My family dynamic wasn’t perfect either, so I understood her uneasiness.
My father was one of my closest friends, but my mother had her own issues that she dealt with. I refused to be subjected to her manipulating behavior and it caused a strain on the relationship. Loss did that to people. My sister Evelyn passed away from SIDS when she was six months. My mother never came back from that. When I came along, it still didn’t remove the pain she felt. That made me feel insecure and unwanted. That’s when I learned to be alone and careful. Her unwillingness to love me forced me to gravitate towards my father.
“I hate to hear that, me and my mom have a weird bond also. She loves me, and I love her, but it’s just weird,” she shrugged.
“Weird is better than nonexistent,” I educated. I would rather have a weird relationship with my mother than to have one that didn’t really exist. She didn’t acknowledge me half the time. I stayed away to keep from getting angry or staying angry.
“What about Malone's mom? How are you dealing with that?” she asked. I normally didn’t speak with many about Leslie, but it was so easy to talk to her I freely gave her an inside scoop to what I dealt with still after many years.
“Without her, I wouldn’t have Malone, but having Malone is a painful reminder. I keep trying to work through it, but it gets hard because life goes on but how when she once was what life was made of,” I admitted.
I loved the fuck out of Leslie and not having her around to take the edge off made it hard for me to go for my dreams. I didn’t believe in much after death came to visit. I couldn’t eat or sleep for months wondering if I loved her hard enough before she left. Without her, I wouldn’t be the man I was today. It pained me that she wasn’t here to share my accomplishments.
“You have to make time to work through it. Obviously, you loved her very much, but she isn’t here. And, Malone, needs you to work through it for him and you need to do it for you. He needs an example of what working through it looks like. Men get in their own heads thinking that they can’t grieve and be sensitive. You can grieve, cry, scream and still be a man. Kids need to see all emotions.”
“We don’t bring her up much. I grieve when I’m alone. I don’t have the time for that right now. Malone is cutting up in school, that takes up my time. I run a business with five people, and by the time I’m home it’s all about getting Malone situated.”
“That could be the problem Houston, you are trying to suppress something that shouldn’t be. You pretending that she didn’t exist is the wrong move. Malone needs to know the wonderful things about her, it could help him a lot.” It wasn’t an intention of mine to remove her from his life, but it made it easier for me to not have to look at her photos, listen to her music or smell her scent. “I feel like all that you are doing is to benefit you. I could be wrong but how does Malone benefit from not knowing who his mother is?”
Her question didn’t sit well with me. I shifted backward in my seat and tossed my hands in my lap. Everything I was doing was for Malone's benefit. If he didn’t know much about her it would be hard to miss her. That was my take on it but after hearing her call me selfish I felt offended for the first time by her. Offended because the more I thought about it the more it sounded right. I was the problem.
“If he doesn’t know her, he can’t miss her.”
“That’s selfish, Houston. So you can miss her, but he can’t?” “Ican’t describe the pain I felt when I found out she was gone. I can only imagine how it will affect him if I start explaining things about his mother. She’s not coming back so it just feels like opening a wound that doesn’t have to be open.”
“You not explaining things about her is affecting your son right now. Whether you explain it now or fifteen years down the line someone important is missing from his life. Think of it like this. Malone’s at school, and all the kids around him are sharing things about their mother, and he can’t even fit in. Wouldn’t that make you feel like you didn’t belong?”
“Yeah,” I answered, allowing her psychiatric bullshit to make me feel like a terrible parent.
“So when he feels like he doesn’t fit in he may act out to counter his frustration or to finally get some attention. Then you get the phone calls and the fucked up looks from Ms. Norwood. At home, he isn’t going to be like that because right now he knows you two have that in common,” she preached with passion dripping from every word. I smiled because I could see why Malone was already warming up to her.
“I never thought of it like that.”
“You have to start speaking with him, or you will regret it. Get him in sports. Something that will challenge him,” she said, further explaining things I hadn’t considered. It was never my purpose to hide Leslie or act as if she didn’t exist. Teaghan was right, I was being selfish. I didn’t bring her up because of how it would make me feel or how it could potentially set me back. The only picture in the house was so ducked off so Malone would never see it. I rarely spoke her name. I was wrong, and it was the first time I felt that way since losing her. It was time to do better.
Teaghan
“That’s why he likes going to Luke’s,” he acknowledged. A light bulb went off and it was now starting to make sense to him. Poor Malone was acting out due to frustration. I couldn’t blame Houston; death wasn’t easy to discuss with a child when you were still attempting to sort out your emotions. But it would only get harder if he didn’t.
“Precisely. It could be that or the fact that his papa bear is lame. You don’t listen to music, you don’t dance, and you obviously can’t cook for shit. Seems like Uncle Luke’s is the best place to be. They probably have strippers and shit coming over and everything. You’re missing out, my love,” I joked.
“Shawn ain’t going for none of that. You two would probably hit it off.”
“Is that an invite?” I asked.
“Maybe when I’m ready. Both will ask a lot of questions that I don’t know how to answer yet. I don’t know if I’m ready for you yet.”
Grabbing his hand again I caressed it softly, “Are you ready to love or at least ready to start the healing process? Because if not,H-town, you are correct, you aren’t ready for me.” I liked Houston, but I was not interested in playing secondhand to someone who wasn’t comingback. That may have been insensitive, but he was bound to die a lonely man if he didn’t release the idea of him not being able to move on.
“Some days I am. At least for Malone’s sake. He needs a mother figure and I could really use the help and just to feel less like a robot. It’s hard making the time to heal when so much is required of you.”
“When’s the last time you went to see her? What’s the end goal for your mourning?” I asked. He held his head down in shame.
