I like Teaghan and for the day I had already shared enough with her. I needed to have a conversation about my heart being released. The sun was going down once I pulled up to the cemetery. I placed my phone in the glove box, shut the car off and waited until I gathered the strength to get out of the car. I needed to smoke or drink. However, after Leslie passed, I gave up cigarettes. She was healthy, and she still managed to leave abruptly. Smoking and drinking every night was sure to accelerate my death. I cut it all. But right now I wanted to pick up one of my bad habits to ease my mind.
Dropping my sun visor, I looked at the picture of Malone and me. I took a deep breath and exited the car. This was the first step in assisting him. Right now I was empty. There was no way I would be able to pour into Malone if I myself was empty. Malone deserved more from me. He deserved to see me fearless and healed.
Slowly walking with my hands in my pockets, I replayed my conversation with Teaghan. The words selfish, accountable and excuses swelled my head immensely. It was time to grab a hold of my life.
Reaching her tombstone I ran my hands on the top of the gray marble curves. I ran my fingers over her name and the date she graced the earth with her warmth. As my hand reached the photo of us the tears came.
“I miss you so much, Leslie.” My heart was beating as I gripped the marble. It was rigid like my heart and cold like my vibes. The tears were coming, and it made it hard to catch my breath. I was weak and overwhelmed with the guilt I felt. Calming myself, I closed my eyes and took a moment to just have another moment with her. Just us, I would ask that she release my heart today.
“Leslie, forgive me for not coming sooner. It’s been hard, so damn difficult to come to terms with you being gone. I used to think I was strong. I could do and conquer anything, but losing you has shown me just how weak I am. I can’t look at your pictures, I can’t think of what you smelled like and sometimes it hard interacting with Malone because he reminds me so much of you. He scrunches his nose like you. He’s so damn smart just like you. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m supposed to learn something from this but what?
Broken, devastated and overwhelmed. That’s what I feel day in and day out. Raising Malone alone is hard and something I have to admit that I’m failing at. I’ve kept him from you and you from him. That’s bullshit and I know it. I’ve been robbed of my joy and that shit burns. And now I’m robbing Malone. He doesn’t smile like he used to when you were around. I don’t hear his hearty laugh anymore. So on top of missing you, I’m missing him also even when he is right there. I just realized all of this today. It fucks with me. We had something so strong and it was gone in the blink of an eye.
I came today because I met someone. Her name is Teaghan and she wants to help us. Her soul is pure and genuine much like you. I think that’s why I’m here. I feel like a chump for saying that another woman brought me here but it’s true. I’ve never lied to you and I won’t start. I’m fighting the toughest fight of my life right now. I need help. I need restoration. Ineed peace.
I will always love you, but I need to start releasing the pain and fury. It wasn’t anyone’s fault you left and instead of moving like a man that lost I’m moving like a man scorned. I can’t be that anymore. We need love, real love. And with releasing the pain I can have it. I just hope you understand. I’ll be back soon with Malone. I promise to explain who you were.”
Without moving, I took a moment to think of the good moments I had with her and where we left off. The good times were plentiful. Not having anyone to share life with halted everything. Time stopped and my heart stopped. It no longer expanded when I accomplished something. That couldn’t happen anymore. I needed to grow. No more struggling to make myself appear happy. I wanted that for real. I deserved that for real. Malone deserved to be a kid, a happy loved kid.
Standing to my feet, I decided to pull it together and start
over with my life. Whether Teaghan joined or not it was time to allow Leslie to rest. I know she had been looking down and weeping from my actions. She would want so much more for me. Living a life full of sorrow was never the plan. She didn’t want that while she was living, and I know she didn’t want it that way in her death. Her death wouldn’t be in vain, something had to come from it.
Dusting the dead leaves off of my pants, I started back for my car. As I took each step away from her I felt lighter. It was like watching the flowers bloom right before my eyes, the sun seemed to shine in the dead of night and the wind whistled around me singing a tune of liberty. It was time to be quiet enough to allow the universe to tell me what I needed. It was time for me to get loud, loud enough to ask for it just the same.
Teaghan
Stepping inside my small apartment, my phone began vibrating. The day went extremely smoothly once I linked up with Houston. My nerves were worked because I saw this as another project, but I couldn’t turn my back on him now. We made a connection or at least came to some sort of an agreement over lunch.
I owed Malone my best shot at helping his boring father bust out of that shell. Both of them needed love and a little truth. Malone needed the truth about his mother and Houston needed the truth on how to process grief. Once Malone looked at me, I knew whether Houston was willing to start the process or not, they needed me, and I needed them.
“Yes dad,” I answered with a roll of my eyes. My father knew how to ruin a good day with one phone call, one word, and one look. If I could guess this was an, I told you so call. And frankly, I could do without it. The pipes being clogged and bursting were my own fault, and I didn’t need him rubbing it in. I had it handled.
“Hey, princess tea, do you need my help with the repair?” he asked.
“No, sir, I got it, Dad.” It would be the end of civilization before I took anything from him. His idea of helping was insisting you repay him after he said you didn’t have to, and it was normally not money he wanted back. He loved to have something over my head. I wouldn’t bebacked into a corner over some pipes. “I feel responsible,” that prompted another roll of my eyes.
All I heard was bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. He didn’t feel responsible for anything. He was forgetting who he was on the phone with. Leaning up against my sofa I waited for the condescending reason for him feeling responsible.
Franklin LeJune had mastered a lot in his fifty-six years on earth. My dad was extremely successful in politics and as a husband. It was the father part he slacked on.
This was his third term as governor. I was proud of all his accomplishments. He was a black man in power and that was something to celebrate. But he hadn’t learned how to not politic and negotiate with me. It was always a tug of war with us. He wanted me to take my role as his daughter a lot more seriously than I saw it. And I wanted him to love me regardless of the work I did. He wasn’t getting his wish until I got mine.
“And why is that father?”
“I don’t know baby girl, I should have made you come on my team instead of selling that building to you.”
I sighed, knowing something along those lines was coming. Mr. LeJune wanted me to work for him on the education committee. Of course, I refused because it didn’t stimulate me mentally. I wanted to work face to face with kids. Being in the trenches is what I loved. Behind the scenes didn’t work for me. He couldn’t understand that, and he hadn’t tried. My job as State Pediatrician clearly wasn’t enough. When I got the job, I wasn’t even in the running. I checked the mail one day, and the offer was in my mailbox.
The compensation was nice, but I couldn’t enjoy it due to the circumstances. My hand was being forced, and I immediately knew it was my father. The more he backed me into a corner, the more we fought about what I wanted my life to look like.
“I knew this was what the call was about. Can you for once pretend like you actually care what’s going on in my life?”
“I do care, Teaghan, it’s just that I had big plans for you, and it pains me that you don’t think what we are doing is important. Funding is important, and you know where it should go.”
“Dad, that’s a bunch of bullshit, and you know it. My plans for me are big, and sometimes I wish you just wouldn’t call if you can’t keep your mouth shut about me joining that team,” I screamed into the phone. I was sick of him pretending he didn’t understand that no was no. It wasn’t up for discussion or negotiation.
Nothing could change my feelings on my occupation. My patients were my world, like family to me. What I was doing was more important than waving and smiling like some damn princess in the Christmas parade on some dumb ass float. My humble nature didn’t come from him. He saw my little job as nothing, and I was up to my wit's end with it. I’d said no a million times to him and a thousand times to my mother. No matter how he asked the answer was no.
