Prologue
Jasper
It’sneverfunbeinga firefighter on days like today. The smell of smoke permeates your nose and burns your eyes. It finds its way into your throat and lungs. Even with our respirators.
I think it’s more of a mental thing than anything else, but once you’ve smelled a structure fire, you can’t unsmell it. Once you’ve witnessed the destruction, that’s it. You’re forever changed.
Today is no exception.
We did all we could. We fought as hard as we could, but some things are just out of our control. This fire was that. Thankfully, there was no loss of human life, but the house was a complete loss. All that remains is ash and soot and the tattered remnants of the belongings of the family who lived there.
I need a fucking drink.
Austin sits down on the bench beside me, joining me as I stare at the wall in silence. The weight of failure hangs heavy in the air around us. There’s nothing we can do to lessen it. Only time will do that.
He clears his throat. “I need to let Luca know I’m gonna be running behind.”
Though he says the words, he doesn’t pull his phone out. Getting home to his boyfriend probably would make things better for him. On days like today, I always wish I had someone to go home to. It would be a nice reprieve from the guilt.
The silence is oppressive when I’m alone, and even more so on days when I’ve failed so spectacularly.
“You better do that,” I finally force myself to say. “He’ll worry.”
Austin finally takes his phone out and shoots off a quick text to Luca. The tired grin on his face when he gets a message back tells me more than anything that he’ll be alright tonight.
I will be too. After I find someone to lose myself in for the night. It’s no replacement for a relationship. For someone to call my own. But it works just fine. Not as well as it used to, but still.
Hooking up after days like today is usually all I need, but lately… lately there’s been this itch under my skin, begging for more. For connection. For love. And being around Austin and Luca, watching their newly formed relationship, makes the itch so much worse.
When Austin stands, I stand too, following him out the door. I nod at him wordlessly before climbing into my truck.
Twenty minutes later, I find myself pulling into The Pub. It’s a small bar on the outskirts of town. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone to take home with me. Having someone in my bed tonight might help some of the hopelessness that’s coursing through my veins.
It feels like a disservice to Sarah. To all the reasons I do this job to begin with, but that’s a thought for another day.
Parking, I get out and head into the bar. It’s dimly lit and smells like cheap cigarettes and the stale stench of sweat and beer. Something about that is comforting.
Brooks nods at me from behind the bar, already making my Jack and Coke. I drop a twenty-dollar bill on the bar top, then nod when he slides my drink to me.
“Thanks, man. Long day.”
He hums. “No problem. Let me know if you need anything else.”
I tip my drink back, downing half of it in the first swallow. I have no plans to get drunk, but I do want to take the edge off a bit. After I drink the entire thing, Brooks makes his way over to me. “Another?”
“Please.”
Without a word, he makes another drink and slides it across the bar to me. “There ya go.”
By the time I’m nearing the end of my fourth drink, a sweet buzz is filling my veins. There aren’t many people here tonight, which means my chances of finding someone to take home with me are slim, but maybe that’s for the best. Maybe I should learn healthier coping skills.
It’s all so empty and meaningless anyway.
Fuck.
A soft tap on my shoulder has me turning around and coming face-to-face with Arlo. My heart thumps hard. It shouldn’t. Not just from the sight of him. He’s… dangerous. Off-limits.
He blew into town a few months ago and started working at Daisy’s—the diner Austin’s mom owns. We’ve interacted some in passing. He’s even come to a few self-defense lessons I’ve done with Luca and Austin.
