“I did. But I envied you, B.”
I truly have no idea where she’s going with this.
“Do you remember me asking you how you’re able to do it?”
I genuinely don’t, so I shrug. That seems like a conversation we would have, but I don’t know what I said to her in response.
“You told me that you always go into it knowing it’s going to end.”
Yeah, that sounds like something I’d say.
“You said that you embrace whatever it is for the moment and enjoy it while it lasts, then when it’s over, it ends exactly how you planned it to. No disappointment, no heartbreak, if you already know it’s not going to last.
I was so jealous of your ability to detach. That is, until Sam and I got back together and I experienced what it’s like to have a partner who’s always there to love and support me.
Now I feel sorry for you, B.
I think it’s so easy for you to detach because you’ve never known what it’s like to have someone like that. And I get that some people are built differently and thrive on their own, but how would you know until you experience theother side of things? How do you know that you’re happier like this, pushing people away before they get too close?”
Silence fills the room as Lou’s words echo in my mind.
“May I speak now?”
She nods. “Yes. Thank you for listening.”
“I don’t think I need to experience theother side, as you so call it, to know that I’m happier like this. Being heartbroken fucking sucks. I’ve watched all of you go through it. I’ve seen how miserable you all were. Why would I want to put myself in that situation again?”
“Again?”
Shit. I didn’t mean to say that.
Do I go there with her? Do I remind her of the one time I gave my heart to someone? We haven’t spoken about him in years, since it happened. I watch her as the pieces start to click together.
“Is this about…”
“Harlen.”
More silence falls between us.
“Ohmygod.” Her eyes start to fill with tears.
“What?”
“Sorry. All the pieces are falling into place now. I’m just processing it all.”
“There’s nothing to piece together, Lou.”
“That’s why you’re able to detach so easily. It’sbecauseof Harlen. In a similar way to how I couldn’t move on after Sam, you can’t move on because of how you felt after losing Harlen. I never put it together because you seemed to have moved on after him. But what I thought was you moving on was really just you shielding yourself from feeling that kind of pain again.”
I shake my head at her. Leave it to Lou to make connections where there don’t need to be any.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“You’re wrong.”
“When was the last time you talked to somebody about this, B? I know you went to therapy for a little bit after the accident, but you haven’t talked about him since.”
I contemplate telling her the truth. If I do, she won’t let this go. If I lie, she still might not let this go.
