When Daisy got pregnant, barely a year out of high school, she dropped out of college. Her parents and I begged her not to, promising to support her in any way we could. In the end, she chose to move in with Jade to raise Clover. I was there to help as much as she would let me, and I took Clover to give her a break whenever I could. Daisy's parents were also a huge help. Anything Clover needed that Daisy and I couldn't afford with our minimum-wage jobs was taken care of. We were extremely lucky to have them. I still am.
Once Daisy's parents realized I wasn't a deadbeat dad and that I was actually doing something with my life, so that I could provide a future for my daughter, they were team Kass. On several occasions, I overheard Daisy arguing with her mother about me. I hate that I was a source ofcontention between them, especially now. But Daisy was stubborn. Probably one of the most stubborn, strong-willed women I've ever met. She wasn't going to be with me just because I knocked her up. I think even when she did want to be with me, she convinced herself she didn't because she refused to be a cliche.
She wasn't going to be the girl who married the father of her child because that's what society told her to do. So, back and forth we went for six years. She always had a million bullshit excuses as to why we would never work. Yet every now and then, I would find her knocking on my door in the middle of the night with a sleeping Clover in her arms.
She never had to beg me to come in. If anything, I would drag her inside before she had the chance to change her mind. We'd put Clover to sleep in her bed and spend the whole night talking about whatever was troubling her. Sometimes she just needed to vent about a guy who wasn't treating her right. Other times it was about her family. And occasionally, there wasn't anything troubling her, at least none that she would admit to me. She would say that she just missed me. Those nights usually ended with us tangled up in my sheets.
Though I gladly welcomed her in, regardless of her reasons for coming over, those nights were my favorite. I always got my hopes up that maybe she was finally ready to be a real family. Waking up next to her and having Clover sneak in to wake us up at the crack of dawn...I'd have given anything to have every morning be like that. But once Daisy went back home with Clover, it would always be like it never happened. I'd be left alone in my bachelor pad, my little girl's room empty once again, and my bed a little colder than the night before.
I think about what it would be like if Daisy were herenow, if she were to come knocking on my door. We'd eat dinner as a family while we listened to Clover tell us about her day at school. Most kids never have anything to say when their parents ask what happened at school, but not Clover. Every evening, I get a full report on the day’s events, including who likes whom, and all the dumb things kids say. But that'll never be us. Daisy will never knock on that door. We'll never eat dinner as a family.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to accept that.
My vision blurs with unshed tears. They run down my cheeks as I attempt to blink them away. I clear my thoughts and shift focus, not wanting Clover to accidentally walk in and see me crying.
I stir the pan of spaghetti sauce that's simmering on the stove in front of me, then check one of the noodles to see if they're ready. A few more minutes should do it. I should have known the girls would request spaghetti; it's always been their go-to when they can't agree on what they want.
I texted Raina earlier to let her know that I'd be taking Winnie home with us for dinner. I finally got a response back from her, saying that surgery went well and thanking me for picking up her daughter. I know she'd do the same for me because shehascountless times in the years we've known each other.
Raina is my best friend. She and Winnie are family. We've seen each other through some of the toughest times in our lives. Raina has especially been there for me the last two years, when I felt like I couldn't go on. When I felt like the only thing I had to live for was Clover. I think her exact words were, "Kass, don't you give up on me. I'll kill you if you leave us. Clover, Winnie, and I need you." It was exactly the ass kicking I needed to get back on my feet and be there for my daughter and everyone else who needsme. I'll forever be in her debt, and she'll never let me forget it.
"Girls, dinner's ready."
No response.
"Winnie! Clover! I'm going to feed your food to the stray cats if you don't come claim it."
"Coming!" Clover shouts over the music.
"I wash, you dry?"
I hold out the hand towel to Clover, and she looks like I just asked her to take out the trash in a snowstorm.
"Come on, I already loaded the dishwasher. There's only a couple of pots and pans to wash."
"Fine." She reluctantly grabs the towel from me and trudges over to the sink.
"Oh boy, don't tell me you're already getting that pre-teen sass? You're not even nine yet. Please, at least wait till you're twelve to start giving me grey hairs."
"Daaaaad."
She has her back to me, but I can hear the smile in her voice.
I walk up behind her and bend over to wrap my arms around her shoulders. I kiss her on the cheek as she giggles from the brush of my scruff on her skin. "I love you, Lovie."
"I told you, I'm too old for that nickname."
"Well, too bad, because as your father, I have permission to use your childhood nickname until I die. It's in the handbook."
Her face falls, and I take that as my cue to release her. She turns to face me, and I can see her eyes are glistening. "You can call me Lovie as long as you want."
"Hey... What's the matter?" I sweep her snarled blonde hair out of her face and make a mental note to brush it before bed. The feel of her fine hair between my fingers makes me wonder... "Does it bother you when I call you Lovie because that's what Mom called you?"
She sniffles, and it almost breaks my heart. "It doesn't bother me." Her little bottom lip starts to quiver, and I have to choke back my own tears. "I just miss her."
"Oh, sweetie." I pull her into me and hold her head in my hand. "I miss her too," I whisper with my lips pressed to her head.
Her thin arms wrap around me, and we stand there, holding each other. Though my mom is still alive, she hasn't been in my life for ten years, and my dad was never in the picture. So I too know what it's like to lose a parent. But I can't imagine losing one at such a young age, especially one who truly loved me with all their heart. Daisy may have "failed" in society’s eyes in many ways, but she was one hell of a mother.
