There was something in his tone that told her he was overstating the matter, and she knew it was because he had wanted to see her. Had she not also wanted to see him? She might not like to admit it, but was that not why she had refused to explain enough of the situation to Bingley to make him understand? Before she could speak, he suggested they enter the house; they would not wish their delay to be noted. She agreed, and as they began to walk, she was reminded of her dreams of returning to Pemberley as his wife, of him escorting her indoors for the first time as Mrs Darcy. Instead of that exquisite happiness, there was the crushing pain of loss.
Coming to Pemberley had been a terrible idea.How am I to survive three or four days of this?
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Alone in her chamber later, Elizabeth was able to regain her equilibrium and convince herself that all would be well. To be sure, walking through the house had been difficult. Everywhere she looked, she remembered the previous year, talking and laughing with Mr Darcy and the delicious sensation of falling in love with him. It had been as though the world was brighter each day, as though the sky was slowly clearing, allowing the sun to shine through, the air was lighter, and every care she had in the world was gone because he was with her. She had felt complete even though she was not conscious of anything missing from her life before.
“But that was last year,” she whispered, hoping that hearing the words aloud would convince her recalcitrant heart, which stubbornly clung to her affection for the gentleman. How she regretted their brief exchange upon her arrival. If only Bingley had not wanted Jane by his side, then she and Mr Darcy would not have been left alone, and then?—
“He would not have seen that I still…that my feelings for him are still so strong.” If she could convince him that she viewed him only as a friend, he might learn to see her that way, and if he no longer looked at her with so much love and heartache in his eyes, she might finally be able to accept that there was no hope that they would ever reconcile.
She rolled her eyes, knowing her plan, if one could call it that, was nonsensical. Instead of worrying about what he felt, she needed to vanquish whatever was inside her that clung to him. Surely she could continue to think of him as the most caring, dedicated man of her acquaintance—as well as the most interesting and handsome—without denying the possibility of giving her heart to another gentleman?
She stood at the opened window, the gentle breeze refreshing, and took in the magnificent view of the park with its stream, pond, and copse in the distance. There was no denying Pemberley was a remarkable place, but she forced herself to recall Graystone and the agreeable company provided by Mr Grey. Her stay there had been enjoyable in a quiet, comfortable sort of way. There would be no ease at Pemberley. Instead, there would be awkwardness and acting as though nothing was amiss.
A soft voice in her mind said,Yet, would you not rather be here, no matter the difficulties and discomforts?
“No,” she insisted, the word coming out weaker than she liked. “I want to be happy. I shall make my happiness where I can and have what I want in life.”
Mr Grey was everything she could want in a husband. Of every gentleman she had met, he was the most suited to her—apart from Mr Darcy. Since she could not havehim, she would be a fool to give up Mr Grey.
To help with her resolve, she spent the next few minutes compiling a list of what she most liked about him. Amongsthis many good qualities, he made Elizabeth laugh, and she dearly wished she had cause to do so presently. Another of his attractions was that he did not have a sister with a tragic past to prevent him from marrying her.
Shame made Elizabeth’s cheeks burn. She went to the wash basin and pressed a cloth that had been dipped in the cool water to her face, then prepared for dinner.
Before and during the evening meal, Darcy found it difficult to look at anyone other than Elizabeth, as much as he attempted to. She was unusually quiet, but he caught her glancing in his direction now and again. From the moment she had stepped out of the carriage and their eyes had met, he had known she still cared deeply for him. If she had ceased to love him, she would be awkward; instead, she seemed dispirited and perhaps a little angry, though he believed it was because of their situation rather than being directed at him.
Despite not being her usual happy, lively self, she was the most welcomed sight in the world to him, as she always was. He revelled in her being at Pemberley again, but at the same time, it was heart-breaking. They ought to have been married for months by this time and would have greeted the Bingleys astheirguests. He did not expect that the next few days would change anything for them, but he prayed that he was mistaken, that he would see something, anything, that he might use to convince Elizabeth to trust him—and Georgiana to accept his marriage.
At the conclusion of dinner, Bingley and he immediately accompanied the ladies to the drawing room. Bingley talked tohim of their travels and the estates they had viewed, and Darcy did his best to listen. He was pleased to see Mrs Bingley engage Georgiana, and his sister appeared to listen attentively, although she did not say much. Elizabeth remained apart from the rest of the company. Darcy considered ways to gain her attention, longing to have her to himself for a short while. If he did not know it would disturb Georgiana, he would ask Elizabeth to take a walk on the terrace with him. She enjoyed exercise, and she might accept. If they could speak openly, build on the understanding that had passed between them earlier, together they might be able to devise a scheme that would allow them to marry. Perhaps once his sister retired, he would try; Georgiana seldom remained in the drawing room for more than an hour in the evenings, and since he had encouraged her to consider Elizabeth and the Bingleyshisguests, not theirs, she would feel little obligation to change her habits.
When he saw Elizabeth step out of the room for a few minutes, he made an excuse to do likewise. He waited for her in the hall, determined to speak to her alone. When he saw her, he stepped towards her, blocking her path, and whispered her name.
She started. Looking at him briefly, she shook her head. “Please, do not do this. Being here will be difficult enough without us having private conversations.”
Darcy hesitated, suddenly not sure what to say. Away from the others, she allowed him to see how unhappy she was; he was not sure whether it was inadvertent or not. If he demanded too much, she might decide she hated him more than she liked him, and he feared where that would lead. Without meaning to, he asked, “Bingley does not know, does he?”
“No. I feared if he learnt of it, he would feel obligated toend your friendship, and I did not want to be the cause of that.”
His fingers ached with the desire to touch her. Had she thought only of Bingley, or had she worried forhisfeelings, knowing that losing his friend as well as her would add yet more disappointment and regret to his life? “I have worried about that too. I am not convinced he will ever entirely forgive my interference in his relationship with your sister. Thank you.”
She gave an offhanded shrug, keeping her eyes lowered.
“I wish things could be different.”
Her head jerked up, and she silenced him with a hard expression. “They cannot be, and wishes are meaningless in such a case. I have accepted it, and you must as well. What purpose is served by us having these conversations? They will do more harm than good, especially if your sister learns of them,” she hissed.
With that, she swept past him, her arm briefly brushing against his. A spark of electricity passed through him, and he wondered whether she felt it too.
The next day, Bingley, Jane, and Elizabeth were to tour an estate. Bingley suggested Elizabeth need not go with them if she did not want to.
“We would like to have you with us, of course, but I thought you might find staying at Pemberley more agreeable than another day in the carriage. Darcy and his sister would be good company for you.”
To Elizabeth, he seemed to observe her carefully as he spoke, his eyes slightly narrowed.
“I am sure they would. However, I would value your opinion, Lizzy,” Jane said in a calm tone.
If they had been alone, Elizabeth would have kissed her for providing such an easy excuse for why she certainly would accompany them. They had not been at Pemberley a full day, and already she had endured two unpleasant, bewildering conversations with Mr Darcy, and when Miss Darcy was not pretending Elizabeth was not there, she was staring at her suspiciously. As much fortitude as she believed she possessed, Elizabeth knew it was not enough to tolerate more of the same without the comfort of Jane and Bingley’s presence.
