“No, I don’t,” she argues. “You just don’t give yourself enough.”
“Yeah, well that was something I was never taught to do. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Empathy was weakness. Emotions were unacceptable. Remorse was punishable. For a long time, I wanted nothing more than to make him proud. I sought his approval in everything I did. Even when he whipped me and burned me and cut me a thousand times over. I spent years convincing myself that I had to earn his love through acts of violence, and I was willing to do it. That’s how badly I wanted to be loved by my father.”
“A parent’s love should be unconditional.”
“His wasn’t. His came with a price that I could never seem to pay.” I shift my attention away from her. “Though my body has been healed of the physical wounds he’s inflicted, the scars he left me with are still there. Hidden beneath the surface and I don’t think they’ll ever go away.”
“Ryder, I—”
I shake my head. “Don’t. Don’t apologize for the monster that is Roman Cimmerian. I’m glad he did those things to me. I’m glad he forced me to become that person. Because that’s the person it’s going to take to kill him.”
“You really think you’ll be able to do it? He’s still your father…”
“Only by blood. Nothing more.” She shifts uncomfortably, not sure of what to say next. After fighting her for so long, I somehow find myself wanting to share more of myself with her. It’s a feeling I never thought I would feel with someone. “Since we’re on the topic, you might as well ask all your questions now.”
I’ll probably regret giving her permission to access the part of me I try so hard to hide, but I owe it to her. She’s shared so much of herself with me, it’s only fair I do the same. Besides, she’s just going to keep badgering me until I give in. She’s stubborn like that.
“What happened to the girl you used to love?” Her voice shakes slightly as she asks the question.
“Elizabeth. That was her name. She had golden-white hair that would bounce as she walked. She was a chimera made up of fox, rabbit, and bobcat. We met when her father started working as a Royal Guard. Her family lived in the palace, so we saw each other often. It was impossible not to notice her. She had that way about her that just drew you in.” Reign’s eyes fall to the fire dancing between us. “Anyway, my father found out we had been seeing each other and he ordered me to stop. I naively thought we could get away with it in secret, meeting up in the other realms.”
“And he found out?” she interjects.
“Yeah. He found out. I’m not even sure it was us being together that truly bothered him. I think it was my disobedience.He didn’t like that he couldn’t control me. I knew I would be punished, and I was ready for it. I was prepared for the lashings or burns or cuts he would inflict on me, but they never came. In my father’s eyes, punishing me physically would simply not suffice. So instead, he inflicted each wound on her and forced me to watch. For weeks, he would alternate between torture techniques and all I could do was stand by and watch as it happened. Even with my power, there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t save her.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” she says softly.
“But I can. And I do. I knew the kind of person my father was, and I was reckless. It was selfish of me to even put her on his radar.” My shadows start to stir beneath me and Reign notices. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, pulling them back.
“That’s why you won’t let anyone else in? Because you’re scared he’ll do the same?”
“No. I’m scared he’ll do worse. Next time, it won’t be weeks. It will be a lifetime.”
Her face looks pained as she takes in everything I’ve said. She turns into the shadows to hide it, but I see the pity in her eyes. It’s exactly what I didn’t want from her.
“And the curse? You’re sure there’s no way to break it?”
“None that I’ve come by. I mean it’s known as one of the three unbreakable curses, so there’s not much hope.” She rests her chin in her palm. “Why so invested in my love life?” I smirk, so she knows I’m okay. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt recalling what my father had done, but that was a very long time ago.
“Coming from the guy who was asking how Damien and I are?” She lifts one of her brows.
“Touché.” I tip my invisible hat to her, and she laughs. The sound of it reverberates off the tree’s interior, chasing awayany last remnants of my father’s cruelty. “You should get some rest.”
“I’d rather stay up.” She readjusts herself and I don’t argue. I’d be a fool to refuse her company.
It’s not like I have a choice anyway. It’s become a drug for me. Her voice. Her silence. All of it.
Chapter 47
Reign
How is it possible to miss someone who is sitting right next to me? And how is it possible that I feel that way about Ryder?
He’s only two feet away from me and it still feels too far. Maybe it’s because of what he told me. Maybe it’s my desire to comfort him after he bared his soul to me.
Tonight, I realized I’ll never truly know what he’s been through. The kind of life he had to live in order to survive. What he had to endure to get to the point where he’s finally able to fight back against his father. He looks at me like I’m the miracle, but it’s him. He should either be dead or a mirror image of his cruel father, but he’s neither. Sure, he may be cold and reactive at times, but despite everything he has been through, he has still found a way to become a better personthan the one he was destined to become. That, in itself, is a miracle.
“I think we should venture back out,” he announces, standing back up. It’s been almost two hours and we haven’t heard much.
