Without waiting for a response—which was good, because responding was beyond my capabilities at that moment—Hawk began pacing the ground, ranting about double standards and overly protective brothers, jabbing his trekking pole into the ground at intervals to punctuate his points. Meanwhile, I slumped down on a fallen tree trunk and stared at Hawkins Sunday through brand-new eyes.
It was hard to remember a time in my life when I hadn’t known Hawk Sunday, and since the first day we’d met, back when he was a geeky, passionate kid, he’d occupied a special place in my heart. We worked together. Hung out together. Remodeled together. Over the years, I’d shared more of my thoughts and fears and dreams with him than with anyone, even Webb. And though I called Webb my best friend, that was only because Hawk and I were closer than friends. More than brothers. He was my… myHawk. The one and only.
And… okay, it wasn’t that I’d never noticed the man was gorgeous, because I definitely had. He was beautiful like all the Sundays, but on a less-enormous scale, and with big, honey-brown eyes that gleamed like warm, liquid gold whenever he was particularly happy or sad, and silky curls that felt soft against my face when he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder while watching a movie.
And… yes, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that, once upon a time, I’d noticed his half-naked body at the lake and had a… a completely natural biological reaction to his beauty. Or that, one time this spring when Hawk had thrown back his head in laughter, a bolt of…something… had hit me with the force of a freight train, and I’d jerked off later at the memory of his smile.
But the idea of actually acting on that feeling?WithHawk? That Hawk and I would ever…
No. Nope. I had never allowed myself to contemplate that. Because… Jesus, why would I?
Finding guys to hook up with was literally the work of seconds. But if Hawk and I fucked up our friendship by turning it into a—I shuddered—full-blownrelationship, things would go from “easy” to “complicated” in a heartbeat and could then slide right into “devastatingly, life-alteringly terrible” without any advanced warning. I’d seen it happen over and over again. That was why I limited my dating life to guys who were in it for casual fun and sex and kept those far away from my friendships.
So I was a little resentful that, now that Hawk had brought this up, suddenly I was staring at myfriend’slips and not simply adding those lips to a mental catalog of hot images to jerk off to but actively imagining how those lips would taste. Knowing that if I kissed him right then, he’d welcome it. Wondering what he sounded like when he came.
Hawk had, without my consent, made our friendshipweird.
It wasn’t his fault, obviously. Since he’d never had sex, he didn’t understand how it would change things. And he didn’t have the same experiences I’d had, so he didn’t understand how freaking perilous relationships could be.
It was therefore up to me to make sure things got un-weird. And stayed that way.
“…which is why I decided to ask you,” Hawk continued, losing steam. He stretched his neck by leaning his head from side to side nervously. “So… please?”
I stood and faced him squarely. “No, we will not be having sex with each other. I’m more than ten years older than you. I’m your boss. Webb calls me yourhonorary brother. And… you don’t understand how risky it would be. I care about you too much to complicate things unnecessarily.”
Hawk’s chin firmed, and his nostrils flared. My eyes went to the nose ring again. For some reason, I wanted to tweak it gently, brush the smooth skin of his nose and cheeks to see how soft it was.
I shook my head. Where had these ideas come from all of a sudden?
Stupid heatstroke.
Stupid pinecones.
Stupidpropositions.
Stupid nosy Pilkners.
Stupid, stupidsex.
“You’re saying having sex with me would beunnecessarily complicated,” Hawk said in a whisper that seemed to hang in the heated air.
“Exactly. Yes.”
My pulse was so loud it took me a second to realize that the light in Hawk’s eyes had gone out and he’d curled around himself protectively, his trekking pole dangling from the strap on one wrist. “I see,” he said softly. “Wow. This is embarrassing.”
My heart dropped into my stomach. “No. It’s okay. It’s… look, I’m honored that you came to me. I care about you, and Iwantyou to talk to me about things. But I—” I broke off, feeling like I’d dug myself into a hole. Anything else I said would only sound like an insincere platitude or, worse, encourage him to pursue this terrible idea.
“But you’re rejecting me anyway,” he finished for me.
“Notrejecting! The opposite. Hawk, you’re too important?—”
I wasn’t sure what expression appeared on my face at that point, but whatever it was made him flash a big, fake smile that turned my stomach.
“I get it, okay? You don’t need to— It’sfine.”
“Is it?” The cold chill down my spine was the opposite of fine.
“Sure. I’m disappointed, obviously. And I think your reasoning is… not great. But really, my disappointment is my own fault.” He bit his lip and shook his head. “You know, I’ve been with guys in the past, and I’ve come close to devirgination lots of times, but I’ve always held back, like it was this big, significant act that I needed to plan out and find just the right person for.” He shrugged. “But, like, if the person you think is the right person saysno, then they’re not the right person… right?”
