Time slowed down, and he stared at me, uncomprehending. “But you said… Youinsisted…”
“I know,” I agreed. I tried to reassure him with my own expression that I meant what I was saying, but I could tell he doubted me. Hell, I still had plenty of my own doubts. But he needed to know before another day went by… “I want you,” I breathed. “Very much.”
“You? Want to have sex?” he blurted, finally understanding what I was saying. “With me?”
“Yes, you, Bird. Always you.Onlyyou.” I let out the breath that had been sluggishly filling my lungs. “I don’t just want to have sex with you. I… I care about you. I’d like… I’d like more than sex with you.”
Hawk pushed himself to a sitting position and flung the sleeping bag open. His warm skin pebbled in the cooler air. “If thisisa dream, I’m going to be so mad at you when I wake up.”
I propped myself on my elbow and reached for the front of his shirt, fisting the cotton in my hand and pulling him toward me. When our lips met, I let out a cross between a whimper and a groan. He was so soft, so pliant against my mouth. The warm, sleepy smell of him surrounded me, and his beard growth scratched at my chin.
He tumbled on top of me with a surprised gasp, and I used it to my advantage, pulling him even tighter with an arm around him while holding his face with my other as we fell back together.
We kissed like neither of us had ever done it before, frantically… hungrily…awkwardly.
It was the hottest kiss I’d ever experienced. Hawk made noises that went straight to my dick. He wiggled on top of me, and if we hadn’t been separated by my damned sleeping bag, I might have even enjoyed the press of his own cock against my leg.
We made out like preteens, kissing and kissing like it was the only move we knew. I couldn’t get enough of his taste, his sweetness, his desire. He made me feel wanted and alive. Sexy and free.
When I moved my hands up under the back of his shirt, I felt the goose bumps still on his skin. “Baby, you’re freezing. Get back in your sleeping bag.”
He shook his head. “Can’t have sex in my sleeping bag.”
I leaned up to kiss him again through a wide smile. “We’re not having sex in the cave, period. Not your first time. I’m drawing the line, Hawk.”
“Oh my god,” he whispered, staring down at me. “This really isn’t a dream. In my dreams, you’d totally have gone for it.”
The sleepy wonder in his expression was so adorable I laughed out loud. I felt lighter than I had in weeks.
He took a breath and sat back up, pulling his sleeping bag over to cover himself. “But Jack, how… what… whynow?”
I sat up, too, so I could face him while I tried to get my thoughts together and explain. “All the things I said before—my concerns about Webb and your brothers and our ages—they’re true and real, but they’re not what was holding me back. I meant it when I said I’m not a relationship guy, Hawk. I never thought I’d want to be. I have no clue how to be what you need. I was—am—genuinely terrified that admitting I want you means we’re going to fuck up our friendship, and I… I can’t lose you.”
“Jack,” he said softly. “You won’t. You can’t?—”
“No, listen. You said before that I put you on a pedestal you didn’t want to be on. Remember? Well, sometimes I worry that you put me on one, too. I’m not romance hero material. I’m protective. And bossy. And not great at communicating a lot of the time. And I knew—know—that if we do the romance thing… I’m going to disappoint you. There’s no way around it.”
He tilted his head, studying me. “Okayyyy…”
“But then you left for three days. Threetinydays, Hawk. And I missed you so freaking much. I couldn’t enjoy anything. I couldn’t concentrate for shit—you should see what I did to the supply order yesterday, Jesus Christ. I couldn’t stop feeling like every good part of me had quit when you did. So I came up here to get you back.” I chewed on my lip. “The whole way up here, I… I pretty muchknewhow this was going to go. I knew if I saw you, spoke to you, I wasn’t going to be able to hold back. But even then, I fought it. I saw your spare sleeping bag, and I…” I broke off with a head shake.
“Turned into a hurtful, cockblocky asshole?”
“I didn’t turn into it,” I muttered. “I’vebeenthat. Jealous as fuck, even as I pushed you away. And then…”
“Yeah?” Hawk encouraged.
“And then you climbed into the tent. And I was stuck out therelistening. And I realized… that’s what the rest of my life would be like if I didn’t pull my head out of my ass. Me, on the outside, looking in. Barriers between us forever.Missing youforever. And I realized I have to at leasttryto be the man you need me to be?—”
Hawk reached out and grabbed my hand, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss the back of it before setting both of our hands down in his lap. “You already are, Jack. You always have been. You could never disappoint me.”
I pulled my hand away and forked it through my own hair. “See? That’s what I mean, though. Of course I can, Hawk! And I will. I’m bound to let you down. To disappoint you in a major way. I’m not the guy you think I am?—”
“And I think I see you more clearly than you see yourself,” Hawk retorted. “Give me one example of how you’ll let me down.”
“Well, I…” My brain’s gears clicked around heavily while I determined whether or not to reveal all the reasons why heshouldn’t want me. I was like a used car salesman who couldn’t help but admit the thing was a lemon. “I don’t know, do I? If I knew how I’d let you down, I’d stop it.” I exhaled sharply. “But for one thing, I’m a workaholic.”
“You’re committed to your business—a business where I work.” He winced. “Worked, anyway. You being a conscientious employer doesn’t bother me; it never has.”
