‘Well,’ I sniff, ‘now you do. Now you know exactly how I feel.’ I lean into his chest, listening to the regular beats of his heart, his breathing slow and steady while I can barely breathe at all.
Forty-Six
‘Have you had enough to eat?’ I ask for the hundredth time as Eva sits on the stairs to put on her shoes.
‘Yes, Mum. I’m not hungry,’ she replies, her thin face pale and drawn.
It’s the day of the entrance exam, and we’re about to leave the house to walk to the girls’ grammar school where the exams are being held. Eva hasn’t seemed nervous at all, until this morning when she barely touched her breakfast. Just nibbled on a few corners of toast.
‘Just relax and do your best, okay?’ I say. ‘You’ll be brilliant.’
‘What if I don’t pass?’
‘Don’t think like that,’ Robert says. ‘Like Mum says, you’ll be brilliant!’
‘She hasn’t eaten anything,’ I whisper to Robert. ‘What if she faints?’
Robert goes into the kitchen and comes back with a small bowl. He hands it to Eva.
‘What’s that?’ I ask.
‘Ooh, blueberries!’ Eva crams a handful into her mouth. ‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘Can I have some?’ Katie asks.
‘When we get back,’ Robert says, kissing the top of her head. ‘Those ones are for Eva to give her super brainpower.’
I check my watch. ‘We’d better go. We’ve got to be there in fifteen minutes.’
We all pile out of the house into the chilly November morning, wrapped up in scarves and hats and mittens. We figured there was no point driving as the roads will be gridlocked with stressed parents, and the parking will be horrific. The walk will only take ten minutes, so we all begin striding down the pavement.
‘Why does it have to be on a Saturday?’ Eva asks. ‘They could have at least done it on a weekday so I got to miss school.’
‘That’s the point,’ Robert says. ‘They have it on a Saturday so youdon’tmiss school.’
As we draw closer to the grammar, we see other families walking in the same direction, their daughters clutching pencil cases and water bottles. The traffic is indeed gridlocked and – noting the faces of panicked parents stuck in their cars – I’m relieved we chose to walk.
The past month has been tricky. The girls were distraught at Sadie’s departure. At one point, Eva refused to even sit the test unless Sadie came back. I tried tutoring Eva myself, but she just ended up snapping and telling me that I was too bossy. Eventually I hired the original tutor I found online – Louise Martin. I did a thorough background check and it turns out she’s a good friend’s younger sister. She has turned out to be lovely and patient and – most importantly – Eva likes her. It was a tough decision for me to allow another person into our house and into the children’s lives, but I made sure that either Robert or I were at home while Louise was in the house. The balance was better with a tutor than with a live-in nanny. I should have gone this route in the first place – it would have saved me a lot of sleepless nights.
As well as the girls being grumpy about Sadie leaving, Robert has been sulky too. Every time I’m late from work, or there isn’t anything interesting for dinner, he gives me a look as though to say,If Sadie were here things would be running a lot more smoothly.Although, perhaps I’m imagining that. Perhaps it’s my guilt at not being able to organise the house and children as well as Sadie did. Even though the rational part of me knows I have nothing to feel guilty about.
The one good thing to come out of this is that my own work–life balance is improving. Promoting Damien has proved to be the best business decision I ever made. He is competent, reliable and professional and I know that when he does something, he will do it brilliantly. My other managers were a little put out at first, but Damien hasn’t taken any crap from them. He has focused on the job and ignored any underground grumblings. His professionalism has meant that he’s been accepted a lot more quickly.
We turn into North Road to see that it’s lined with cars and thronged with families, as though it’s a festival rather than an exam day. The wind whips down the long street as we walk past the deserted boys’ grammar and towards the bustling girls’ building. I realise suddenly that I’m not even in favour of segregating boys and girls. It’s not exactly preparation for real life, and most of the girls I know who went to single-sex schools ended up either incredibly awkward around the opposite sex, or boy-mad. Rebecca informed me that they now have lunch and break times together, it’s just the lessons that are separate. So I suppose that’s something. And I do want her to get the best education. Most importantly, it’s where my daughter wants to go.
‘Are you feeling okay, Eva?’
She nods, but I can tell she’s nervous. Not surprising really. This is her first taste of exams. Of ‘big’ school.
‘You’ll be great.’
‘Eva!’ A woman’s voice calling out behind us. ‘Hi! Eva!’
I know that voice.
Eva’s face lights up. ‘Sadie!’ She turns and runs.
‘Eva! Come back. We’ve got to go in in a minute.’
