‘Just shut up! Stop lying. Can’t you hear yourself?’ I drag the cases down the stairs, bumping them down each step, Robert’s clothing half hanging out of them.
‘You can ask Sadie,’ he says again. ‘She’ll tell you the same thing.’
‘What? You mean, ask the woman who was lying under you? Whose breasts were hanging out of her top? Yes, I’m sure she can be relied on to give an accurate account of what happened.’ I pull open the front door and dump the cases outside on the step. One of them tips over onto its side. Robert doesn’t move.
‘Get out,’ I say.
He looks at me, pleading with his eyes, but I keep my expression hard. ‘Think about how happy we’ve been,’ he says. ‘Our marriage has been so good, and it feels like it’s been the best it’s ever been recently, don’t you think? Why would I throw that away to sleep with someone else? Think about it.’
‘I have no idea. Maybe you thought you could have it all. The wife and kids, plus a hot young nanny on the side.’ Something occurs to me. ‘Maybe that’s why you’ve been especially nice to me these past few months. All the flowers and the sex and the affection. Was that just your guilt? Or was it because she makes you happy so you could afford to throw me a few crumbs? Just… please, get out. Get out! GET OUT!’
‘You’re wrong, Gemma.’ Robert shakes his head and steps outside. ‘I’ll go, for now, but we’re going to talk about this again once you’re calmer. And you can speak to Sadie. She’ll tell you that it’s all been a misunderstanding.’
I throw my husband a venomous look and slam the door in his face.
I stand in the hallway trembling, listening to my heart thumping. To my ragged breathing. To the boot of his car opening. To the thuds as he throws in both suitcases and then closes the boot. To the car door slamming, the engine starting, and the hiss of the tyres as he pulls out of the drive. I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay and convince me that I didn’t see them together. That it was, like he claims, a misunderstanding. But if I let myself believe him, then I’m a fool who deserves to have a cheating husband.
My legs buckle and I sink to my knees, pressing my palms against the gritty hall floorboards, just breathing in and out for a moment. Then I let my whole body collapse onto its side.
I don’t know how long I lay there on the hall floor, but eventually I must have hauled myself up. Now, some hours later, I’m sitting in the dark lounge, staring out of the window, the streetlamps casting an eerie glow across the bushes and trees beyond the drive.
Diane texted after the party to say that the girls could stay with her overnight. What she actually said was that I was in no fit state to look after the children so she would keep them with her until tomorrow. I was going to protest and type back a snotty reply. But, actually, she’s right. I’m too over the limit to drive and I would be no good to the girls in this mood. I’ll pick them up first thing in the morning, when I will also have to try and figure out how to tell them that Daddy won’t be living with us any more. This is the end for us. I can’t tolerate any kind of reconciliation with Robert now. Not after seeing him cheating on me.
With a dull ache of dread, I wonder if he and Sadie will move in together. If that happens then Eva and Katie will see her on a regular basis. They may even end up living there part-time. I can’t let that happen. I can’t have that woman in our lives. The thought of it gives me a pain in my chest. I snatch up my phone and call her number. I have no idea what I’m going to say, but I need to know if she’s with Robert now. If her plan is to be with him permanently.
It rings twice. She answers.
‘Hello, Gemma.’ Her voice is clipped. Neutral.
‘Do you love him?’ I ask.
There’s a brief pause where I hear her breathing. And then, ‘Yes.’
I go cold. My breath catches. I inhale to try to keep the tears from falling. I can’t let her hear me crying. I can’t believe Robert lied to me. That it wasn’t an accident that he and Sadie ended up on the bed together. Deep down I knew it. Of course I knew it. But I had desperately hoped that Sadie would corroborate his story. That she would be adamant that I had simply witnessed an unfortunately embarrassing situation. Now she’s telling me that they actually have feelings for each other. She’s admitting it. How can this be happening?
‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘We never meant for it to happen. We just… we tried to fight it, but the tension between us had been building for weeks. And we… we eventually gave in. And I know it was wrong. But now…’
I swallow. ‘If he loves you, why was he just here begging me not to throw him out? He denied that there was anything even going on with you.’
‘He’s a good man,’ Sadie says softly. ‘He doesn’t want to hurt you and the girls.’
‘Well it’s a bit late for that!’ A sob escapes and I’m furious with myself. She can’t hear me like this. Sadie may sound apologetic on the phone, but I don’t believe she is. Not for one moment. No. She’s loving every minute of this. I end the call and throw my phone across the room, watching it smash into the windowsill. I get to my feet and give a howl of anguish. How can this have happened? How can everything wonderful have turned so dark and painful in the space of just a few hours? How can this heartache have turned into my life?
Fifty-One
Sun streams through the bedroom window where I forgot to draw the curtains last night. I wake with an unnamed feeling of anxiety, turn to Robert… and then I remember.
Robert is not here.
He betrayed me. I kicked him out. He will never sleep in this bed again. Robert and Sadie… no… it will beRoband Sadie. The children might even call herMummy. I close my eyes again, wishing I could return to the oblivion of sleep. But my brain is moving too fast for sleep, cataloguing everything that has happened. Dredging up the sickening vision of Robert and Sadie on the bed. Their bodies close. I snap open my eyes to dispel the image, and sit up, focusing on what I’m going to do now.
The girls are still at Diane’s. I need to bring them home. I wonder if they have any idea of what happened yesterday. Probably not. But they’re not stupid. They heard me shouting at the party. Eva is probably old enough to put two and two together. They’ll ask questions and I will need to answer them. I’ll have to work out what I’m going to say. Of course, Diane will want everything to continue as before. She won’t want a whiff of any scandal. She’ll want us to pretend it’s all happy families as usual.If only it could be.
I get up, wash, and dress in jeans and a sweatshirt. I’m appalled at the yawning space in Robert’s half of the wardrobe. At his lone burgundy hoodie lying forgotten at the bottom, like a congealed wound. I close the wardrobe door and go downstairs. The stillness of the house a silent reminder that all is not well.
Breakfast is the furthest thing from my mind, but I want to be sharp for my encounter with Diane, so I make myself a strong coffee and force down a small finger of shortbread, its texture like dry sand in my mouth, but at least the sugar helps to wake me up. I glance around the kitchen for my phone. Perhaps it’s in the lounge. As I walk into the front room, I remember my despair after speaking to Sadie. I remember hurling my phone across the room. I spy it on the floor by the window, wondering if it’s damaged beyond repair.
Bending to pick it up, I see that the screen guard is cracked, but apart from that, the phone appears to be intact. I have five voice messages.
