Downstairs, Nathan has ensconced himself in the lounge and is on his phone scrolling through social media. I clear away the remains of the Chinese, clean down the surfaces and set the dishwasher going before joining him.
He pats the sofa and I sit next to him. ‘Thanks for getting the food in.’
He doesn’t look up. ‘I didn’t really have much choice, did I, Fi?’
At his words, I hold myself very still. I had thought Nathan was cool with us having Kelly’s children to stay, but I obviously misread the situation.
He continues looking at his phone for a while, and I wonder if I should leave him to it. I’m just about to get up and leave the room when he shifts around in his seat and looks directly at me. ‘You knew how much I’d been looking forward to today,’ he says through gritted teeth, tossing his phone down on the sofa. ‘This race was the one day I got to relax and do something I love. My chance to show this town who I am. And then I actually win the race and hope that my wife might be a just a little bit excited for me. Just a little bit proud or pleased or whatever. I hoped that we could come home and relax, or maybe even go out and celebrate together. But, no. You couldn’t give a shit about my feelings.’ He curls his lip in disgust. ‘You’re more concerned with your hippy friend who’s managed to fuck up her life with no thought for her own kids and is expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces.’ He shakes his head.
My stomach has descended to the floor and I can hardly breathe. I don’t know what to say to make this better, so I say nothing. The only saving grace is that he’s speaking in a low whisper so at least the boys won’t be able to hear him.
‘And what were youthinking, offering to look after her kids? We don’t even know how long she’ll be held in custody. It could be days, weeks,monthseven. We’re not taking on that responsibility. Not with everything else we’ve got going on in our lives.’
I want to defend myself. To say that Kelly is my best friend. That if the tables were turned she would do the same for me. But instead I stay silent, my heart thumping, the egg fried rice congealing in my throat, the noodles slithering around in my stomach like worms.
The way he was acting around Ryan and Sonny – all jovial and light-hearted – I thought he liked them. But I realise now it was all an act. Nathan wants everyone to love him. Deep down he’s insecure. He’s like a little boy himself. I should have known that having Ryan and Sonny to stay was a bad idea. But what else could I do? I couldn’t turn down Kelly’s request.
‘You’ll have to get rid of them tomorrow,’ Nathan hisses. ‘And keep them out of my way. You know how I feel about kids.’
Right on cue, Sonny calls out to me from the staircase – it turns out we forgot to bring his homework with us and he needs to have done it by Monday.
‘Don’t worry, mate, Aunty Fi will pop back for it,’ Nathan calls out to him. He turns back to me and drops his voice. ‘Just as well you’re going out; I can’t stand to look at you right now. Just get out of my sight.’ His eyes have grown so dark I can no longer see my reflection in them.
I stand as if in a dream, as though my mind is removed from my body. Nathan has only ever hit me a couple of times before and I don’t want to give him an excuse to do it a third time. I keep my eyes trained on the ground and I leave the room, closing the door quietly behind me.
Twenty-Seven
TIA
Lurching in through the front door, I close it behind me and lean back against the cool wood, shutting my eyes and enjoying a momentary feeling of safety. Although I’m kidding myself. It isn’t safe here, or anywhere. The person behind the photos can contact me whenever they like. They know where I live, they have my phone number. They’re toying with me. Enjoying their little game, whatever it is.
It has to be Fiona. She didn’t want to talk to me at the regatta – avoiding my gaze and acting awkwardly around me. She’s guilty as hell. I know she is. I want to scream with frustration. I wish I could block all of it out and go back to how my life used to be, before the photos. There’s half a bottle of white wine in the fridge that I could quite happily polish off right now. That would go some way to helping me forget.
Snapping open my eyes, I march into the kitchen, stride past the fridge, and pour myself a tall glass of water. I gulp it down and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Then I pour myself another glass and sip this one more slowly. It soothes my parched throat and lessens the pounding in my head. Now is not the time to get drunk and wallow. Ed will be back with the children soon and then I’ll be caught up in bathtime and bedtime and I won’t have the headspace to think about anything.
I need an ally. A friend. Someone to help me look at this clearly. To help me to decide what to do. I need to speak to Kelly and tell her the whole truth about what’s been going on. I sit at the kitchen table and call her number but, annoyingly, it goes straight to voicemail.
‘Hey, Kels, it’s me. Hope Ryan’s okay after today. He did so well, bless him. Look, I really need to talk to you. Would it be okay if I came over just for half an hour or so? Call me back and let me know, okay? Or message if easier. Love you.’
I get up and start pacing the length of the kitchen, clutching my phone and waiting for Kelly to call me back. Maybe her mobile’s run out of battery. She might not check her messages until tomorrow and I really can’t stand the idea of waiting all night to speak to her.
After a few more minutes of pacing and staring at my silent phone, I go upstairs, shower and get changed into a comfy tracksuit. Then I come back down, busy myself with some household chores and begin getting supper ready for when Ed gets in with the kids. They eventually bustle in through the front door in a whirlwind of laughter and excitement. My heart fills with love as they burst into the kitchen with tales of carousels and candy floss. Their presence only strengthens my resolve. I can’t lose my family because of some horrible vindictive person out there.
‘So you had a terrible time at the fair, then?’ I tease.
‘No, silly.’ Rosie giggles. ‘It was agoodtime not a terrible time.’
‘Yeah, silly Mummy!’ Leo pretends to be cross and waggles his finger at me. ‘We went round on the big wheel really high up in the sky like we was flying.’
‘You were flying?’
‘We weren’t really flying, Leo,’ Rosie says.
‘Yes we was!’
‘How was Nathan?’ I wind my arms around Ed. ‘I hope he didn’t go on too much about winning. You did amazingly seeing as it was your first ever race.’
‘I was terrible, Tee, but thanks for stroking my ego. Nathan was all right. Just giving me a bit of friendly banter, you know. He didn’t actually stay too long; had to rush off to pick up some food or something.’ Ed’s gaze lands on the table and he makes a big deal of sniffing the air. ‘Something smells good. Shepherd’s pie?’
