‘That’s not what happened.’ My mind reaches down for the memories I’ve suppressed for so long. I pull them out tentacle by slimy tentacle and force myself to face it all again. To make this man understand who his father really was.
‘School had already finished for the day. But I went back to the classroom – I’d forgotten my history book. When I got there, Mr Lawson was still at his desk. We talked about the upcoming weekend. He wasn’t like most teachers; he was easy to talk to. I told him there was a party going on, but I didn’t know if I wanted to go to it or not. He said if he was my age, he’d go to all the parties because all he had time for these days was household chores and marking homework. We laughed.’
I’m back there in that room, the sunlight slanting through the high sash windows, falling in wide stripes across his desk.
‘He… stood up and he kissed me. And for a split second I kissed him back. But it felt wrong. It felt gross. He smelled… grown-up. Nothing like the boys I’d kissed before. I tried to pull away from him, thinking we’d both be mortified, and he would apologise, and we’d never talk about it again. But instead, he started groping me and saying all this awful stuff. He wouldn’t let go of me. He said he knew I fancied him. He said that he wanted to do all this stuff to me, which I’m not going to repeat here. And his hands were everywhere, and it was horrible. So I kneed him in the groin, and I ran.’
‘Liar!’ Greg cries.
Sophie is staring at me wide-eyed. I try to hold her gaze for a good long time. Try to get her to understand that I’m telling the truth.
‘I’d never been so scared in my whole life,’ I stutter. ‘I felt physically sick. And terrified. I thought it was all my fault. It was only years later that I realised it wasn’t anything I did. That Mr Lawson was in a position of trust. And even if I had wanted to kiss him, that he was still in the wrong. I was a child, a pupil at the school. I was under their care. Even if I hadn’t been a child, the minute I pulled away, he should have let me go. Not forced me to carry on. Not put his hands on me. What he did was wrong.’
‘Dad wouldn’t have done that,’ Sophie mutters, but she doesn’t sound too sure of herself any more.
‘Sophie, I’m sorry, but hedid.’
‘Fiona’s telling the truth,’ Kelly says. ‘I know it must be a horrible thing to hear. Impossible to believe, especially if he was a good father. But you were children back then. Innocent. You’re not responsible for what he did. You don’t have to do this out of some sense of loyalty. I’m sorry for what you both went through, but you have no idea what it was like for Fi. She was a mess back then. She was so traumatised by your dad. And it wasn’t just her. You must have known that other girls came forward after Fiona reported him.’
‘All liars.’ Greg glares at Kelly. ‘Attention-seekers.’
‘Fiona was our best friend,’ Tia says. ‘We were with her right after it happened. We saw how upset she was. We saw what she went through. You didn’t see the effects of his behaviour. You didn’t see how her personality changed. How she became nervous around boys. How she became more serious and stopped wanting to go out.’
I’m shaking now; my whole body trembling inside and out. I hadn’t realised that my friends had noticed such a difference in me after that day. How they’d almost lived it with me. How they really tried to support me back then. I don’t think I ever gave them enough credit for that.
‘I didn’t want your dad to die,’ I stammer, ‘but I’ve always told the truth. He shouldn’t have come on to me like that. He shouldn’t have touched me. And like Kelly said, it wasn’t just me – he did the same to at least two other girls. If I hadn’t reported him, he might have gone on to do it to even more.’
‘Shut up!’ Greg snaps. ‘Just, all of you, shut the fuck up. I should’ve known you wouldn’t admit the truth. That you’d all have your stories straight. Like when you lied to the police back then.’
‘Actually,’ Kelly says, ‘Fiona didn’t want to tellanyone. Straight after we got the truth out of her, she said she regretted telling us and she begged us to keep it quiet, but Tia and I persuaded her to report him because it was the right thing to do.’
‘Why would we have made something like that up?’ Tia says. ‘It makes no sense. Before that happened we thought your dad was a great teacher. We liked him. All the kids did. And a lot of them were horrible to Fi afterwards. To all of us. Even some of the parents.’
Kelly clears her throat. ‘We’ve told you the truth, now please just let us go. If you wanted revenge, you’ve got it. You’ve made our lives a living hell these past few days. We’re good people. We did nothing wrong. Untie us now, drop the charges, and we’ll say no more about it. We give you our word we won’t go to the police.’
‘Just, all of you, be quiet. I can’t think.’ Greg holds his head and walks away for a moment, out of the lantern’s pool of light and into the dark shadows of the room.
While he mutters to himself, Sophie stands rooted to the spot as though she’s paralysed. I can’t tell whether she believesusor her brother. I think maybe she’s torn. Maybe we’re making her realise that her father wasn’t the man she thought he was. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part.
Kelly tries talking to Sophie again. ‘I know it must have been awful for you hearing that stuff about your dad back then. And then him committing suicide. It’s a terrible thing you went through. But taking it out on Fiona and the rest of us isn’t the answer. She’s as much a victim as you.’
Sophie scowls at Kelly. It may be my imagination but I’m sure her cheeks flush, as though she’s embarrassed. As though she knows she’s in the wrong.
‘Talk to your brother,’ Kelly pleads. ‘Listen to me, Sophie—’
‘Listen to me, Sophie,’ Greg mimics, stepping back into the light. ‘As if she’s going to be fooled by your pathetic lies. I should have known you wouldn’t do the decent thing and admit to what you did.’
But Kelly isn’t giving up. ‘Sophie, your brother’s angry. He’s lashing out at us. But don’t let him drag you down. Don’t let him ruin your life. I thought we were becoming friends before, back at the house. If you won’t let us go forme, then do it for Ryan and Sonny. They really bonded with you. Do you want them to grow up without their mum as well as their dad? Do you really want that for them? Could you live with yourself knowing you destroyed their childhood?’
‘Boo fucking hoo,’ Greg sneers. ‘What aboutourchildhood? Mine and Sophie’s? Who’s responsible for destroying that? Oh… yeah… it wasyou.’ He stares at us each in turn before grabbing his sister’s arm and pulling her towards him.
I wince as I see Greg’s rough treatment of Sophie. ‘Does he hurt you, Sophie?’ I call out. ‘Did he force you to do all this?’
‘Shut up, bitch.’ Greg’s face is a mask of frustration and in that instant, I get a clear-as-day flashback of his father looking at me in the same way. The exact same expression when I wouldn’t go along with what he wanted. It knocks the air from my body, and I feel as though I’m shrinking into myself.
Sophie follows her brother out of our view, and I can hear them having a whispered, heated discussion in the corner.
‘Can you believe this?’ Tia hisses, looking from me to Kelly. ‘They’re both insane. What they’ve put us through is—’
