‘It won’t take a minute. I just have to add the noodles and chilli sauce.’ His previously pristine shirt is currently being spattered with cooking oil. He wipes at the stains ineffectually.
‘Please, just turn it off and listen to me!’ I cry.
‘Fine! But if I turn it off now, dinner will end up soggy.’ He pushes his dark hair back from his face and clenches his jaw.
I want to scream that I don’t care about the bloody stir-fry, but I need to keep calm. Finally, he does as I ask and turns off the hob.
I exhale.
‘What is it, Alice?’ He turns to look at me, his cheeks red, sweat beading his forehead.
‘I think you know,’ I reply, pulling at the neck of my top to try to cool down. I shift my gaze away from his face as it still gives me anxiety to look at him. Makes me light-headed. Makes me need to catch my breath.
He slurps his wine. I still haven’t touched mine.
‘I’m sorry,’ I reply, pulling at my fingers and staring at the stains on Seth’s shirt. ‘But I think it’s best if we just end things now. To save any more heartache. It’s just ... it’s not working. I don’t feel like I know you. I really am sorry.’
His face seems to crumple. His body sags and he leans back against the counter. ‘Alice, please,’ he whispers. ‘I love you.’
His expression makes me sad, but not sad enough to change my mind. It’s as though I’m watching a really good actor on TV. Someone who makes me empathise with them, but I know it’s not real. I don’t know what else to say to him. I’d been vainly hoping that he might be relieved too. That me ending things would let him off the hook. Instead, he really does seem to be upset.
‘Alice, you can’t make such a huge decision yet. You’re not yourself.’ His eyes are filling with tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ I repeat for what seems like the hundredth time.
‘Don’t do this to me. I left my job for you. I moved here. For you. And now you’re telling me it’s over, that you don’t know me. It’s bullshit!’ He wipes the tears from his cheeks and reaches out to take my hand.
I take a step back, keeping my hands by my sides. ‘I wish I knew what to say, Seth. But I can’t fake feelings. Something’s happened that’s changed things. It’s not what I wanted or planned. But it is what it is.’
Hope flares in his eyes. ‘If this isn’t what you wanted or planned, then change it! You can get toknowme. Pretend we’ve just met. You fell in love with me once, you can fall in love again.’
I shake my head. ‘If it was that simple I would. But it’s not,’ I say, my voice sounding too loud in this small space. How can I explain to Seth that us being in the same room makes me uneasy, anxious, sick? He would never understand.Idon’t understand.No; the best thing for us is a clean break so we can both move on with our lives.
‘You can get help,’ he cries. ‘I’ve been saying that ever since it happened. I know some good doctors in that field.’ He picks up his phone from the counter. ‘Let me send you their details. Or I can make you an appointment. Something has happened to you, Alice. Ever since the wedding, you’ve been a different person. You can’t make this kind of decision about us until we’ve done everything we can to try to fix it.’
The thought of months of appointments, therapy and more brain scans makes me feel ill. But worse than that is the thought of spending months in the company of this man. It might sound harsh, but right now, I would rather just end things with Seth and carry on with the rest of my life. I can’t allow his arguments to swayme. I have to stay firm in my decision. ‘I’m sorry, Seth, but I’ve made up my mind.’
His expression darkens. ‘You might not recognise me, Alice, but let me tell you something ... I don’t recognise you either! It’s like someone else has taken over your brain. Where’s the sweet, fun, confident woman I was about to marry? Because you’re not it.’
I shake my head at his words. ‘Do you think I chose this?’
‘I don’t know.’ He drags his fingers through his hair. ‘I can’t stop wondering if you might have made this whole thing up to get out of marrying me! Although I’ve no idea what I did to make you change your mind.’
‘Do you honestly believe I would do this on purpose?’ I reply. ‘Everything’s a mess! My whole life has been turned upside down. But instead of worrying aboutme, you’re more concerned about yourself. About how this affectsyou. I know it’s hard for you too, but I thought that as the person who was going to be my husband, you might have been just a little bit more supportive about what I’m going through, instead of accusing me of making things up.’
‘That’s not fair,’ he says. ‘Of course I’m worried about you! I’m just finding this whole thing hard to wrap my head around. You have to admit it’s not a normal situation.’
I can’t see this conversation heading anywhere good. Seth wants me to change my mind, but I’m 100 per cent set on ending things. I take his London keys from my pocket and place them on the countertop. ‘I’m going to leave now, Seth.’ I turn to go.
‘Don’t.’ He reaches out his hand again and I recoil, banging my hip on the door handle and swearing under my breath. I’m hot and stressed and I need to get out of here.
He raises his hands in surrender. ‘Fine, go. But just know that you’ve broken my heart, Alice Porter.’
I choke out another, ‘I’m sorry,’ before stumbling back through the dimly lit hall and out into the sun-drenched evening where I’mnow gasping for breath. I thought I would feel pure relief after ending things, but instead there’s an ache in my chest and a coldness spreading through my body that even the sun isn’t able to warm.
If I still don’t want that man in there, then why do I feel so sad?
I walk blindly through the front garden back to my car where I slide into the driver’s seat, shut the door and take a few moments to pull myself together. Glancing back at the cottage, I see a shape at the upstairs window. Seth has obviously gone up there to watch me leave. Despite my trembling fingers, I start up the car and pull away, driving shakily along the narrow winding country lanes.
