Surprisingly, and wonderfully, Mum has decided to go back to college to study to become a midwife, something she’s alwayswanted to do but never had the courage to try. She said she knows that most people are retiring from work at her age, but she persuaded my father that she needs a new challenge, a focus other than the house and family. He’s fully supportive.
I realise now that my whole life I’ve been this passive person. Yes, I work hard and it probably looks like I’m a go-getter, a successful career woman. But the reality is that I’ve always gone along with what other people wanted. I moulded myself to fit their ideas of what I should be. I became an accountant because my dad said it would be a good career for me. Okay, so he was right. I am good at it and I do enjoy it, but, still, it wasn’t something I chose for myself. At Faraday’s, I was waiting for Paul to deem me worthy of becoming a partner. Five years I worked there, for him to pass me over. I could have pushed him on the matter. Or left and set up my own practice a couple of years ago. Or gone to another firm where they appreciated me more. But I didn’t. I gavehimthe power to change my life.
With each of my boyfriends, they pursued me. They told me I was the right girl for them, but I never asked myself if they were the right ones for me. Instead, I was flattered. I shaped myself to fit their lives rather than the other way around.Too passive. I won’t make that mistake again. If and when I feel ready for another relationship,I’llbe the hunter. The one who chooses. I’ll find the person who suitsme. Not that I can imagine getting back into another relationship anytime soon.
I’m grateful to Francesca for saving me. We’ve became much closer in the aftermath and during the trial. Sadly, she’s moved away and now lives just outside Southampton, so still quite near, but no longer only up the road. She said that Ringwood held too many painful memories for her, which I totally understand.
I also bit the bullet and have been getting regular therapy sessions. They’re helpful, but they leave me feeling exhausted andfragile. Although my therapist says this is normal. That I should think of them like a detox for the mind.
I’m not entirely free of Damian. I reported his behaviour to the police and they had words with him, but there’s not a lot they can do. He shows up in Ringwood from time to time. I see him around town and I’m not sure if he’s still stalking me, or if it’s just a coincidence, but I’m hoping he’s finally got the message that I’m not interested. That I’m no longer intimidated. I try not to let him faze me.
I’m more upset by Laurence than by Damian. I knew Damian was an arsehole. But Laurence ... he was my best friend. The person I trusted most in the world. I thought I’d found my soulmate. I was devastated by his actions. It turned everything I knew inside out. That he would do such a thing to me. It shocks me every day.
Despite the relative calmness of my life now, there’s still this needling voice in my head wondering whether, if Laurence hadn’t done what he did, maybe I’d be happily married to Seth by now. It’s likely that my attitude towards my ex-fiancé has been skewed by Laurence messing with my mind. I know it’s pointless to play these ‘what if’ games. This is my reality now, and I have to tell myself it’s for the best. That it all happened for a reason. But I wish I could lay that voice to rest.
To that end, I’ve finally agreed with my therapist that she’ll incorporate some hypnosis techniques in my next few sessions to try to explore how deeply my memories have been manipulated, and if the effects are still ongoing. I’m dreading them, but also hoping that they may shed some light on what actually happened to me on my wedding day ...
Chapter Forty-Five
NOW, 10 JUNE
As I walk down the dusty street, I catch sight of myself in the window of a café and I’m actually quite happy with my reflection. I’ve dyed my hair a little darker – warm chestnut was what it said on the packet – instead of my usual mid-brown colour. This new shade makes my eyes look greener. I’ve never been too bothered about my appearance, but I’ve made more of an effort today.
Now that the court case is finally over, I can breathe a sigh of relief and move on with my life. The only thing is, I’m not used to living in a city. Ringwood was familiar and comfortable. Southampton feels impersonal and busy with its complicated road system and endless sprawling suburbs. It was heavily bombed during World War Two so the mid-century architecture is quite harsh – big sixties tower blocks of grey concrete interspersed with shopping centres and a few more recent upscale areas of developed dockland. I guess it’s quite cool if you’re a city person. Sadly, I’m not.
Anyway, I’m here now, staying in a grotty B & B in Shirley Park. This is all part of my long-term strategy. It’s been going to plan for the most part, despite taking far longer than I originally hoped.
I always knew Laurence was in love with Alice. It was so obvious, even if he wouldn’t even admit it to himself. For a counsellor, hewas surprisingly unaware. I needed to get back at him for that – for pretending to love me when it was her all along.
In order to ruin both their lives, I decided to try out my skills on Alice, and pin the blame on Laurence. I knew the overlaying of memories had been proven to work. But I wanted to see if I could push the boundaries. To discover if I could make someone stop loving a person, by changing their perception of them.
Never in a million years did I dream it would work as well as it did.
I quicken my pace, realising that I’ve been dawdling for the past ten minutes. I’d better hurry, I don’t want to miss him.
I knew Alice would most likely be susceptible to the techniques as I’d already done a few covert tests and discovered that she’s a ‘high’, which means she’s part of the 10 per cent of the population who are highly hypnotisable and respond well to most suggestions. She’s one of those people who get imaginatively engaged, losing herself in a good book or jumping out of her seat at scary movies. This was what gave me the idea in the first place. Realising that she would be highly hypnotisable.
I studied Psychology at uni with Laurence. After graduating, I took a hypnotherapy course, planning to use it to complement my work as a psychologist. But soon after completing the course, I had a mini breakdown. Panic attacks and anxiety, followed by a long bout of depression. I decided that psychology wasn’t the right career for me. In fact, I recognised that the stress of any career wasn’t what I needed, which is when I got a job at the animal shelter and my state of mind instantly improved. Animals are my happy place.
I was content working there. I was content with Laurence. Until I realised that he was in love with Alice.
But that was okay, because eventually I fell in love with someone else too.
Just before Seth met Alice, Seth met me. Our paths crossed when he and a friend visited the animal shelter where I worked. His friend came away with a two-year-old ginger tom cat. Seth came away withme.
Seth said he liked my quirkiness and thought I was the sweetest, kindest person he’d ever met. I’d never felt about anyone the way I felt about Seth Evans. He made me feel special. Safe and cherished. Like I could do anything. Be anyone. Here was this incredible, handsome doctor who loved me for me. Who made me happy on a whole other level.
But then Alice came along and ruined it all.
They met one night at a pub near his parents’ holiday home, and he immediately ended things with me. Seth never understood how deep my feelings ran for him. He already knew I had a boyfriend, so he didn’t think I was serious. He thought we were simply having a ‘fun fling’. He didn’t know that I was on the verge of breaking up with Laurence to be with him.
Seth excitedly told me that we had to stop ‘fooling around’ because he’d found ‘the one’, not for a moment thinking that my heart was breaking. How could I then confess my feelings to him, when he was so besotted with someone else? When he told me her name was Alice Porter, I almost choked. Needless to say, he wasn’t very happy to discover she and I were friends.
He asked me never to mention our fling to anyone, saying that he didn’t want some brief affair to tarnish what he had with Alice.
I was devastated, and that devastation, instead of fading away, has solidified over time, hardening into something dense and unyielding. Something that isn’t going to disappear.
I’m certain that my friendship with Alice was the reason Seth was so reluctant to come down from London to meet her friends and family. He knew he would have to see me too, and he was scared that I would say something to betray our past. Even though I assured him I wouldn’t. He needn’t have worried. I would never have used our affair like that. I wanted Seth to fall in love with me, not hate me. I did as he askedand kept quiet, because when you love someone like I love Seth, you would do anything for them.
