Harper: … get back to work
“What are you grinning at?” Sadie asks, twirling a lock of her hair as she grins at me.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I do know what she means. Every day this week, since we finally crossed that line, Colton has been making me smile, a lot. It’s sickening. He keeps finding ways to show up for me and it feels foreign, but also good. Like, really fucking good.
It's little things that shouldn’t have the impact on my heart that they do, but I can’t seem to stop it from beating out against my ribs. We spent the next day together, wrapped up in my sheets before we finally ventured out for food. Our public outing didn’t last very long, and within ten minutes we had changed our order to be take out, throwing the bags of food on the counter before Colton spread me out on the kitchen island and ate like a starved man. The food tasted even better cold.
I insisted on coming into work Monday morning separately, trying to keep the professional side of our relationship, well…professional. We met that morning in the gym like we always have, but then he took his shirt off and taunted me. Finding excuses to touch me as we passed each other for different machines.
I can’t believe I used to think that the treadmill was the best form of cardio. Treadmills suck. You know what doesn’t suck? Colton. Unless I ask him to. When I got out of the shower, there was a coffee waiting for me with chocolate croissants.
Tuesday there wereSour Patch Kidssitting on my desk after a particularly boring meeting with our bank, with a text saying he likes me sour or sweet.
On Wednesday I found my boxing gloves sitting on my chair, the threads re-sewn after he commented that they were splitting at the seams and I insisted they were perfectly fine, not wanting to have to break in a new set.
On Thursday we ordered take out for lunch from my favorite pizza place and when he went to pick it up, he also stopped and gotMcDonald’sDiet Cokes. The poor boy barely made it two feet into my office, prattling on about how the drive-thru line was really long, before I was dropping to my knees. I’m only human and cold pizza tastes just fine.
I hope we never make it through a meal.
Here we are on Friday, Sadie is walking me through her background checks of her security and analyst team, constantly interrupting her own debrief to ask about Colton. Every time the topic gets a little overly detailed or dirty, Wade grunts and fake coughs behind us, a gentle reminder of his presence and an attempt to steer us back to security measures.
From what Sadie gathered, no one had recently gotten into any heavy debts or confrontations with anyone that would leave them vulnerable. Nothing that would leave someone desperate enough to betray me.
Someonedid though, and is still selling my secrets, there is no way around that fact. I was thoroughly convinced now, that the person breaking into my office and the club being used as a front are connected in some way. I just can’t figure out how. What would be worth breaking into my office and drawing attention to themselves when the goal is to keep me in the dark for as long as possible. We looked back into the books for the shipment where we found the stashes of cocaine, both invoices and order receipts showing my name, my signature. Me, me, me.
Most of the time I like being the center of attention. Not this time.
All week has felt like the most dizzying roller coaster, constantly being brought to new highs and then reminded I’m on the verge of a fall. I feel happy. Then I feel guilty for feeling happy. It’s a horrible cycle really.
“Come on, tell me. What’s the gift today? Oh God, is it dirty?” she mock whispers. I regret telling her about the little things he’s done over the last week, mostly because one answer seems to turn into fifty new questions.
“This can’t wait until I’m not here?” Wade pipes up, making Sadie jolt a little, clearly forgetting he was still with us.
“See, Wade doesn’t want to hear about Colton being over the top. Be more like Wade.”
“I’m calling bullshit. I bet Wade is a big old softie when it comes to a woman he is obsessed with. He probably could teach Colton a thing of two, right Wade?” Sadie jokes, snaking her arm in between Wades clasped hands behind his back, leaning her chin on his arm to look up at him.
I can only imagine this is what it would have been like to have a surly older brother. Annoyed with affection. He drops his head for a minute with a loud sigh. I think Wade is also imagining this is what having little sisters might be like, probably thankful for being an only child.
“First of all, I am romantic as fuck,” Sadie opens her mouth to interrupt him, her eyes alight in mischief and curiosity, but he carries on before she can jump in. “And second, Colton is not being over the top, he’s literally doing bare minimum things, you two have just only dated losers.”
We both just stare at him for a minute, unsure of what to say. He said it so calmly, not in a condescending way, like he’s admonishing us for past choices, but that finding Colton’s behavior over the top can only mean we’ve been deprived bypast loves. Sadie completely ignores the statement, ready to pounce at Wade for giving away even the smallest window into his love life, and I’m stuck on the idea that this is what a healthy relationship might look like. I had always been the one to give and give in a relationship, to the point I almost gave up everything. So, I decided I was better off not being in one at all.
“Are you going to try to tell me you do nothing for him?” Wade asks, interrupting my spiral as we move towards the door of my office. “I highly doubt that.”
He brought coffee and croissants for breakfast; I ordered us sushi for lunch because he loves it. He fixed my boxing gloves; I made a workout playlist for us to include his favorite boy bands the throwbacks. He brings me candy and I let him eat cotton candy off my tits. Literally tit-for-tat.
All these things felt natural to me, things Iwantedto do. It didn’t feel like I was doing anything over the top or trying too hard, it just never occurred to me that Colton would feel the same way. Is this what it feels like to have a partner? To not have to convince someone to love you, or to show that they do?
“Are you okay, hun?” Sadie asks. I realize my hand has been hovering on the doorknob, but I haven’t made any move to enter. Apparently having an existential crisis can be a little distracting.
“Yeah, sorry,” I tell them, opening the door and walking into the office.
“Oh my God!” Sadie squeals, and Wade just smirks. Smug bastard.
A fresh bouquet of flowers sits on my desk, the oranges and purples nestled amongst various greenery is bright in the dim space.
He brightens everything.
