“She called a little before six and said the train to Addison was broken, and that she was going to be stuck in the city for the night.”
Six. I would’ve been at Nellie’s getting ready by then. I left here at five, thinking Mom would’ve been home within half an hour. Penn assured me over and over she’d been able to watch the kids for thirty minutes and, against my better judgment, I’d listened to her. A small trial run, I’d thought. An easy way to see how much responsibility she could handle.
The answer? Not much. “Why didn’t Mom call me?”
“She…” Penn turned her face away. “She asked me to tell you.”
A heavy pressure settled. “And you didn’t.”
“I could handle it!”
“Theo, standing barefoot on the table, was handlingit?” I demanded, gesturing toward the dining room. “Junie swearing at a gun videogame—which she’s not allowed to play—while it’s almost midnight? Ivy, mainlining marshmallows? C’mon, Penn.”
“I mean, other than that, I did fine!” Penn’s expression started to twist. “We got pizza delivered. I paid with the money Mom keeps in the cabinet?—”
“You opened the door for astranger?” I ran both of my palms down my face. “Penn, you’re fourteen. I get that you’re trying to prove yourself, but you can’t just?—”
“Youdid!” Now it was her shout that echoed off the walls, much higher pitched than mine. “Dad died, and you did it all. Here I thought maybe I’d try to help you for once. Heaven forbid I want you to have a fun night out!”
When she turned back to me, her eyes were shining, but no tears had fallen yet. My anger froze at the sight of them. Penn was the queen of scowling, but it’d been years since I’d seen her cry. The last time I could actually remember was Dad’s funeral. “You’re too young, Penn?—”
“I’m the same age you were! You’re the only one who can help, is that it? You want to be the martyr and then be depressed about it? Fine!” An angry tear slid down her cheek, and she smacked it off. “I won’t care about you or your dumb feelings again.”
And then she stomped from the living room, her footfalls slamming on the stairs.
I let out a slow breath, the buzzing in my ears still loud. Junie’s game was still paused on the TV, screen red, and I stared at it, unblinking, until my eyes burned.
I don’t want to do this anymore, I thought, but it was aquiet thought, suffocated by the guilt of screwing up. Again.
I tore a hand through my hair, wincing at where the rain and dancing had left it tangled. The sound of my yelling still echoed in my ears, making me wince further. What was I thinking, yelling? What was I thinking, even leaving the house? I should’ve waited until Mom got home. I should’ve checked in with her.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t know how long I stood there, unmoving. Long enough for my legs to begin to hurt. Long enough for Jamie to quietly creep back down the stairs. “All are in pjs and in bed,” he murmured, coming around the banister.
“Did they brush their teeth?”
He hesitated. “Um.”
“It’s fine,” I said, but it quite possibly could’ve been the biggest lie I’d told myself. I rubbed my fingers into my eyes again, pressing hard enough to see stars. Nothing felt fine. While I’d been selfishly thinking about having a fun night without worrying about the kids, Penn had taken on all that responsibility. Mom had known I was going out tonight—we’d talked about it this morning. As soon as she’d known her train wasn’t running, she should’ve calledme. “It’s…” I couldn’t bring myself to lie a second time.
Jamie’s feet were soundless as he crossed the living room, and I jumped a little as his hand curved around my shoulder. “We can still do an all-nighter?—”
“No, we can’t.” The suggestion almost annoyed me. “It was a stupid thought, anyway. What, I stay up all day, all night, and alltomorrow? I can’t sleep while the kids areawake. I have to make breakfast, and play, and make lunch, and keep them from killing each other. It was stupid to even consider it in the first place.”
There was nothing he could say. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than for Jamie to wrap his arms around me, to tuck me into his chest. I craved his comfort, but in a way I shouldn’t have. In a way that I knew, even if Nellie were to offer her arms out, it was still Jamie’s embrace I secretly wanted.
And that was not allowed.
“I’ve just been so… angry lately. Irritable. And I hate it.” All the moments flashed in my head, and I squeezed my eyes shut. It helped a little against the burn. “You and I have been fighting more than we normally do.”
“Do you think maybe it’s because you’ve got so much going on? The college stress, the kids, Dalton coming home. Us.” Jamie’s hand hesitated on my shoulder. “Our fake relationship, I mean. That’s a lot of pressure all at once, Daze.”
Pressure. College, well—my waitlist would turn into a rejection, and that would be it. Dalton coming home had been rocky at the beginning, but now, with the butterflies gone, it wasn’t too bad. And the fake relationship with Jamie was nothing different from how we normally acted, except now those butterflies that should’ve been for Dalton came alive for Jamie.
“Tell me I’m a monster for yelling at the kids,” I said in a near whisper. “Tell me that they’re just kids, and getting mad at them isn’t fair.”
“I can’t tell you the number of times Destelle yelled atNellie and me when we were little. That’s what it’ssupposedto be like. You’re allowed to be angry with them, and overwhelmed with them, and tired of taking care of them.”
