“Oh yes, I do not regret it on his account. What pains me is my own failure to improve.”
“There is time, my dear; do not judge yourself too harshly. Such profound sorrow, and indeed the whole of your story, so full of distress, may excuse much. I am persuaded that all your father wished you to become will yet be possible, when this torment has passed.”
“Will it ever pass?”
“The pain of having lost your father will remain with you always; but you will have a home of your own, and your family home will become a cherished remembrance…not a loss.”
Elizabeth thanked her with a sad smile. Then, without haste, as though seeking to set her own thoughts in order,she related what had passed from Hertfordshire to Kent, and dwelling at times where the fault had been her own.
Yet, by instinct, she resolved not to tell the whole truth, nor to reveal the odious manner in which Mr Darcy had spoken of her family; she said only that he had confessed the struggle within his own heart, between his attachment and the inferiority of her family’s standing to his own.
She then spoke of Mr Bingley and Jane, but again without entering into particulars. Under no circumstance, even though it was entirely untrue, would she allow a stranger to doubt her elder sister’s honour. It was sufficient to say that his arrogance had deeply offended her.
“Do you regret anything?” asked Mrs Cooper at last, with gentleness.
“My conduct—that is certain. In Kent, and again in the street just now. It is as though he draws forth that combative side of me which I cannot govern.”
Mrs Cooper regarded her without speaking. But the ten years she possessed beyond Elizabeth told her one thing only: a woman does not contend so earnestly with a man she believes herself to regard with indifference. That, however, Elizabeth must discover for herself. If she had only just begun to understand the past and to reflect honestly upon what had passed, then her history with Mr Darcy was but at its commencement.
She avoided, however, the slightest allusion to it.
“May I ask you a question?” Elizabeth said at last.
“Certainly—anything.”
“I should never have dared to ask it had it not been for…my father’s departure from us, had I not myself passed through a great sorrow.”
“I understand,” replied Mrs Cooper. “You wish to know about my husband’s death.”
Elizabeth nodded.
“I shall speak honestly to you. Mr Cooper was twelve years older than I.”
“Oh,” exclaimed Elizabeth in surprise.
“Yes. He conducted business with my father, and I believe my father had intended him for Maddy. I don’t know what happened. I think Mr Gardiner appeared, and matters hastened from that moment; Mr Gardiner, I believe, admired Maddy very much. And so I married Mr Cooper.”
“Just so?” Elizabeth asked.
“I know scarcely anyone around me who married otherwise. I believe there are perhaps two friends of mine who truly fell in love, but even they married only because their parents approved.”
Elizabeth was genuinely perplexed, as though only at that moment she fully understood that such was indeed the reality of the world. It still astonished her that young women married men chosen by their families, though the same thing existed all around them. Charlotte herself had accepted Mr Collins because Sir William had wished it.
“What we experienced was something exceptional, and certainly it came from Papa—from his liberal views.”
“Without doubt.”
“And Mama accepted it as well. Certainly, she protested and attempted to persuade us that life was otherwise, but it was always Papa who granted us that freedom. Now, placed as we are, I sometimes wonder whether he acted rightly towards us, because our very situation forbade such liberty. Good God, I do not wish to judge him, nor do I. I am grateful to think as I do, but had I been like other women, matters might now be simpler for me. I am torn between gratitude and perplexity.”
“I hardly know what to say…from a distance, I admire Mr Bennet greatly—”
“Do not mistake me; I adore him for all he gave us. But it is so difficult now, because I wait for love, when perhaps I ought to accept a husband and save my family.”
“And could you do it?”
Elizabeth reflected quite a long time; yet, however hard she tried, it was impossible to answer.
“Perhaps the answer will come only when I stand face to face with such a proposal. But that was not truly our subject.”
