Come fall, I’ll start my junior year, and I haven’t done anything I set out to do. Being absent for most of my sophomore year messed up any extracurricular plans I had made for college. It took me longer than my peers to realize that hanging on to vague crushes or imagining scenarios won't get me anywhere. I actually have to do something if I want to create the experiences I keep reading and hearing about.
And Colin is nice. He was easy to talk to online, and he never pushed me when something uncomfortable came up. Also, he hasn't sent me a single dick pic.
There's no way around this discomfort, though.
Colin’s still looking at me, though his brows have dropped into a frown and his hands to my thighs.
“It’s just that I—I’ve never…”
“Never gone home with someone on the first date?” Colin shrugs, plucking on the waistline of my shirt to sneak his fingers back underneath. “Don’t worry, I won’t think badly of you; you don’t need to play hard to get. Not even if you sleep with someone on the first date.” He throws me a wink that is probably supposed to be seductive, but I’m too wrapped up in my head for it to work.
“No, it-it’s not that,” I hedge. “I mean that too! But there’s a lot that I haven’t…” I trail off, feeling like I’m strapped to an examination table.
Colin looks down at me like a spotlight, illuminating everything I’ve kept hidden. He frowns, then his eyes widen.
“Oh. Ohshit!” Colin stands up, raising his hand to run it through his hair. “Fuck, I thought this was yourthing!”
“My…my thing?” I repeat, dumbstruck.
“Yeah, like…playing coy?” He shakes his head. “I didn’t think bybarely any experienceyou meant that you're avirgin.”
Heat shoots into my face while my stomach falls back down all the stairs we climbed a few minutes ago. He pronounces it like a mark of shame, a brand being pressed into the skin of my cheeks.
“I-I’m sorry! It’s not something I like to talk ab—”
“Yeah, Iget it.” Colin interrupts my stammering.
I clamp my teeth shut. My heart is hammering wildly against my ribs, undoubtedly trying to escape the hole that opened up in my stomach.
“How much of a virgin?”
“…what?”
“Like, have you done oral? Been fingered at least?”
My eyes widen, and I quickly shake my head, unable to explain my level of inexperience.It’s only ever been me and whatever fantasy was swirling around in my head.
“So you’re like avirginvirgin? Fuuuck.”
Silence spreads between us, stretching endlessly. I curl my fingers into my palm until my nails dig into my skin.
Finally, Colin lets out a breath and slumps down on the bed, jostling me.
“But like…if you haven’t even had sex with a man, how can you really know you’re gay?”
I turn my head, blinking multiple times, like forcing Colin into focus could align his words.
“You think I’m…unsure? About my sexuality?”
“That’s not what I said!” Colin snaps. We both cringe, ducking our heads. His voice is quieter when he continues. “My ex…I just don’t want you to change your mind.”
“I-I wouldn’t. I’ve never even been attracted to a woman, I’d never—”
“You can’t know that!”
I keep staring at him, unable to understand how being a virgin makes me less gay than him. I open and close my mouth severaltimes, but can’t find any words to say. I push myself up from the bed.
“Just forget it.”
