It should be simple: We’re “study buddies”.
But then Micah came with me to help my family. He spent weeks sleeping next to me, holding me, kissing me. He saw me devastated, annoyed, happy, embarrassed—literally every emotion under the sun, and he never once looked away.
And now we haven’t talked in days.
I know it’s my fault since I’ve thrown myself back into my work at the shelter, to the point where I have barely any time to eatand sleep. The only other thing that I allow to occupy my mind is studying. The kind I have to do on my own.
Not the only thing I’m doing alone now; after all those weeks of sharing my bed with Micah, even my narrow bed at the Nook feels huge, empty, and cold with just me in it.
When I’m tossing and turning at night, I’m tempted to invite Micah over—even to actually sleep, as long as he’ll be there, big and quiet and reassuring. Every time I squash the idea as far down as I can. After our last encounter, I’m wondering if he considers our deal done, but I can’t muster up the courage to ask. I’m too scared that his answer will devastate me.
He’d be gentle about letting me down, probably even jovial, with that warm smile that makes his mismatched eyes sparkle. Even thinking about it makes my heart crack, so I don’t want to imagine what reality might do when Micah inevitably tells me that the experience didn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.
I should probably worry about becoming one of those old people who hang on to their first love. I cannot imagine that having sex with anyone else would even come close to my first time with Micah.
Which I shouldn’t be thinking about, given our temporary arrangement. Thoughts like these keep turning in my head, but rather than talk about them, I play along with the awkward atmosphere in the Nook.
At least the shelter is as busy as ever, only that Barb is somewhat frosty with me, undoubtedly over my sudden and unplanned departure.
Working on winning back her trust keeps my mind away from spiraling over the argument I had with my family once that creeps back into my mind, on top of everything else.
After the initialGot home safe, text that I sent to the family chat in the middle of the night, I only messaged my sisters, admitting that I had fucked up. Since then, my phone has beenin airplane mode to avoid any incoming calls. Though I know I can’t ignore the storm that’s brewing forever.
Nor do I want to. No matter what I said to Dad, I love my family. I know I’ll have to come clean and apologize for both the fight and lying to my parents. It’s just that…I can’t. Not yet.
Whenever I think about it, anger surges back up, overpowering all sadness, and I don’t want to bring that energy into it. I want to try to explain—and hope they can understand.
In addition to that, I feel like I should reach out to Colin. I considered texting him about what happened between Micah and me. There’s some guilt festering in the back of my mind over breaking my promise.However, an equal amount of stubbornness rebelliously insists that I didn’t do anything wrong. Keeping a promise just for a chance at a relationship with him feels like an idiotic bargain to begin with.
A bargain I should have never made, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Nicko reminds me.
The chime of the pound’s door tears me out of my thoughts. My jump startles Violet, who had been napping on my lap.
“I’m coming!” I call out to the front, pushing myself to my feet.
“Oh, it’s just you,” I greet Olli as I arrive at the front desk, flushed from hurriedly locking up Violet and Lila’s kennel and running back to my spot.
“Yeah, just me.” Olli raises an eyebrow. Although his lips curl into that familiar impish grin he always wears, it looks sharper and colder. I’ve noticed the same thing at the Nook recently. He still makes his usual jokes, but they’re delivered with an edge.
“How are they doing today?” I pull myself halfway onto the counter to look at the carrier box Olli’s holding. His door had been closed when I left this morning, so I didn’t want to bother him to check on the kittens.
Since we’ve been back, they’ve taken up the breaks I allowed myself in between studying and sleeping—and thinking about Micah.
“Good, good.” Olli carefully lifts the box and puts it on the counter between us. “Femur tried to eat everyone’s breakfast, and Tibia wasveryupset about it, meaning I had to put them into a timeout so Fibula and Patella could also eat. Obviously, they hated that, so they’re bringing that energy for their first vaccines and dewormer.”
“Ah, typical kitten moods.” From up close, Olli looks like he hasn’t slept since before I left for my parents’.
“I’ll check the schedule.”
The computer takes a while to load the calendar program. There’s a bright pink block slotted for the vet right now, though there are plenty of things that I can take care of before the little fluffballs have their appointment.
With a twinge of bad conscience, I think back to Owen and how distraught the tomcat had been when I made Micah leave so suddenly.
“Barb should be back in half an hour. We can weigh the little ones and make their vaccination cards until then,” I offer, tilting my head at Olli, who’s assessing mewaytoo closely. “What?”
“Just looking.”
I roll my eyes, then focus back on the computer.
