Benjamin’s cries finally stop completely, his tears drying on my flesh. He stops trembling, and I take my first full breath since hearing he had to be sedated.
“I have you,” I whisper. “Daddy has you, Amore…”
That sets off more tears, but I don’t mind. As long as he knows I’m here, in every capacity he’ll allow.
I won’t fail him again.
Chewing on my bottom lip, I try to gather my courage. While Lio is being allowed out of this medical wing, Roman still isn’t. And, well, where Roman is, there’s a high likelihood of Lio being there too. At least, that’s my assumption when I can’t find him. Bitterness swirls inside me as I realize that I’ve lost my best friend. I want to be happy for him, but fuck if this isn’t painful. Still, I know I need to talk to him. Hopefully, he won’t turn me away.
Straightening, I knock on the door and wait. There’s only a few beats, and several giggles that pull at my heart, before Roman calls out, “Enter.”
I push the door all the way open, since it was already partially cracked, and just stare for a moment. Roman and Lio are lounging on the same bed, so close there’s barely an inch of space between them. Both of them have the same mischievousexpressions on their faces, and the stress that they’ve lived under for so long has seemingly disappeared as they watch the two kittens play on the bed.
Clearing my throat, I shift awkwardly, before asking, “Uh, I wondered… If you have a moment, Lio? I’d really like to talk to you about something.”
Roman frowns as his eyes narrow on me. He places a protective hand on my friend’s shoulder, and a wave of misery hits me. Fuck. I’ve been completely replaced, and really, I shouldn’t have expected anything different.
However, when Roman opens his mouth to say something, Lio holds up a hand, cutting him off. Despite giving Roman an apologetic glance, he replies, “Sure. Give me a moment and I’ll follow you out.”
With a grunt of either dissatisfaction or disgust, Roman shakes his head. “You can stay here. I’ll go check on Ignacio.”
With that, he turns his head and cups Lio’s cheek tenderly, before leaning in and kissing him so damn sweetly. My eyes widen in shock. I hadn’t heard about this development, but fuck if it doesn’t make sense. The sick sense of betrayal invades me, even though I'm aware it’s unfair, and I breathe through it, trying to battle the feeling as it struggles to grab hold of my heart.
I don’t catch what Lio murmurs to Roman, but whatever it is brings a smile to Roman’s face before he slides off the bed, scoops up both kittens, and heads toward the door. However, I’m not surprised when he hesitates briefly near me.
“Hurt him and you’ll answer to me,” Roman mutters. His glacial eyes study me, and based on his sneer, find me wanting.
I flinch, despite knowing I deserve the judgment. Still, the pointless words I want to reply with get stuck in my throat, so I simply nod in acknowledgment before Roman glides away. My shoulders slump in defeat, because it’s so incredibly obviousI won’t find acceptance here. I’m trying to believe Tennant’s words, but fuck if it isn’t hard knowing his lovers hate me. How do I carve out a spot amongst their loathing?
“Come here,” Lio says calmly, patting the spot beside him that Roman just occupied. It breaks me out of my reverie, and while part of me wants to just run away, the other, larger part is helpless to do anything but follow Lio’s simple command.
I climb onto the bed and sit next to my…friend? I think. Or maybe ex-friend? Fuck. I don’t even know.
He bumps his shoulder against mine, breaking the stifling silence with a quiet question. “How are you holding up?”
Tears rush to my eyes, and I try to brush them away quickly. I… I can’t imagine why he cares. It doesn’t make sense. He should hate me. Yet all he does is stare at me with compassion, frowning as he tries to wipe my tears at the same time I do.
We both snort at the awkwardness, and he gives me the same reluctant smile that he used to give me way back when we first met. When all I knew about him was that he was a sarcastic, prickly patient, and I didn't understand that the whispers about his situation were so very true.
“Fuck,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I’m… I have no words. I really don’t.”
Lio shrugs against me, leaning into me as if he somehow magically still trusts me. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m here. I’m pretty sure the friendship rules would encourage sharing, though.”
I whimper at the easy banter of our friendship rules. I want that again. More than anything, I want my friend back in my life. But how?
“I fucked up,” I finally say. My heart pounds as I wait for his judgment, and I struggle to breathe through the urge to hide that's cresting inside me.
With a sigh, Lio gently puts his arm around me. “We all fuck up. Whatever it is, we can get through it. I’ll be right here with you.”
“Why?” I choke out, tears threatening me once again.
He maneuvers until he’s facing me and grabs my shoulder. His face is more serious than I’ve seen it lately, the fatigue no longer constant. I swallow at the intensity in those moss green eyes. I’m—no, we’re—balancing on the precipice, and I have no clue which way our friendship will fall. It already feels like it’s been hanging by a thread.
“Benjamin,” he breathes out, and I shudder at the pure emotion he puts into my name. “I want you to remember something. You are my best friend. What we have, it doesn’t just…go away. We may have lost our way a bit, but fuck, with everything going on, is it any wonder? All of that can be water under the bridge, though. You’ve already apologized to me, and I’ve done the same to you. All you need to do is be here. Be present. Because I’ve missed you. Nobody, absolutelynobody, can replace you.”
“Not even Roman?” I whisper, hating myself and wishing I could snatch the words back in. But when I open my mouth to apologize, Lio holds up his hand.
“No. More. Apologies,” he growls, but my lips merely twitch at that. “I want us to be honest with each other again. If you’re feeling jealous, left out, or upset, come to me. Please. You’re important, too. And no, Roman is my stabby soulmate, he’s my love, but he’s not my best friend. He doesn’t know how to keep me in line with friendship rules or how to help me navigate the stupid feels.”
