“Did the smaller space make you feel more in control? You knew where all the exits were, and could say yes or no to anyone or anything who entered the room.”
I nod. “I…it’s never been like that since. I know I get lost in my work. That sometimes I stay in my office for hours on end, even days if I’m working on something important, but it’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it?” He raises a dark blond brow and leans back in his chair.
“It’s not! I’m not hiding from the world, just…from myself.” I flush, my entire body heating at the confession.
Connor nods. “Avoidance isn’t uncommon. I’m not here to diagnose you today. It’ll take time and work for us to dig deeper into that. I’ll need you to trust me and Javi for those steps…”
“But?” I push, anxious to hear what he’s going to label me as.
“But if you’re willing to work with me, we can get you to the point where we can find the right treatment.”
“Javi already has me on medication,” I grouse.
“Yes, I know. We’ve gone over the care you’ve already received. You’ve been avoiding Javi, too, whenever you can. So it’s my job to ask how you’re doing. Do you feel the medication is still helping, making things worse, or is no longer effective?”
I take a big breath, taking my time to mull things over. To think about how I feel on the medication Javi has me on, before giving my answer. “They…work better than the ones Doc had me on. I don’t like the sleep medication, but that’s not because I don’t think it’s not working, I just don’t like the feeling of not having control. It…was more noticeable in the beginning, but now that I’m used to it, I feel less like I’m being forced to sleep, and more just…at ease so I can sleep.”
“That’s the goal. Our bodies need sleep. Our brains need to rest, and without proper rest, it can amplify everything else, so I’m glad you feel it’s helping you. You mentioned nightmares, are they the same as you’ve had in the past or have they changed?”
I shudder, wrapping my arms around myself. “Both,” I whisper. “I’ve always had nightmares about…what they did to me. I… Fuck!” I close my eyes tightly until I see spots. “I dream about losing my virginity. How much it fucking hurt. Because, for an old man, he still had some strength left. He knew what he liked, and wasn’t afraid to…to take it.”
I meet Connor’s steady gaze, not seeing pity or sympathy in the dark green—thank fuck. I probably wouldn’t be able to do this if he looked at me as a victim. “I dream of Emilio and Romanbeing hurt by Cecily Dowing. Of my beautiful Pup tearing himself apart because he had no control over hurting another. Of my sassy, fearless Toy losing a piece of himself because someone mistook him as an easy mark.”
Gasping, I curl over myself. “Fuck! Lately, it’s been Emilio leaving me because I’m a terrible Owner who let him down, and then Ten follows. My heart and soul, the very essence of me, because he’d rather protect his Baby Boy than stay with someone so destructive. And blood. So much fucking blood. Because what good would I be if I didn’t have him? If Tennant, or any of my loves, walked away, what would be the point?”
I thrust my arm out, my raised scars on full display. “How can I ever be more than this? Twisted and wrong, and so out of control that I hurt Emilio when all he wanted was my love and support! I was supposed to be his safe place, but I think I pushed him away because I’m scared. So fucking scared he’s going to leave me first. I tried my hardest to show how badly Il Padrone fucked up, but what I did, what I do, is not much better.”
Connor doesn’t say anything, he just breathes, staring at me, watching me with assessing eyes. My mind is spinning, and I’m choking on my emotions, but as I watch his chest rise and fall, my own breaths begin to mimic his pattern. And in slow increments, my heartbeat decreases, and I can finally take full breaths again.
“Emilio loves you, as do the rest of your polycule. They trust you, and I don’t think I have to express how hard it is for these types of people to trust. You’re the head of your unit for a reason.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Am I? Or is it because I can’t give up control to anyone else?”
He tilts his head. “You’re placing control in my hands right now, and Doc and Javi’s. Trusting us to help give you the tools tosurvive this. Admitting yourself to our care is one of the ultimate displays of trust, much like your lovers give you.
“I won’t pretend to know any of you well, but from what I’ve observed? Tennant doesn’t seem the type to follow anyone who hasn’t earned his dedication and respect. There’s a reason he puts not only his life, but the life of his Boy in your hands. For a Daddy, there is no higher honor we can bestow on anyone else.”
Taking off my glasses, I wipe at my eyes, drying my tears on the stupidly thin bedsheet. “A blanket,” I tell him. “You want to make my stay here more comfortable? Bring me an actual fucking blanket.”
“Okay.” Connor inclines his head. “A blanket it is.” He shifts and leans forward a little. “What do you do? When you wake from a nightmare?”
I shrug. “Usually go to work. Sometimes, I’ll hit the treadmill if I need space before being enclosed in my office, but I am usually up for the day. No point trying to sleep after the horrors in my head.”
“Have you ever talked to anyone about them?”
“If I’m with Ten, he’ll try. I never tell him any details, but talking to him helps sometimes, just knowing he’s there. But I don’t want to burden him.”
“You don’t have to continuously prove you’re strong, Hollis. Everyone already knows that. It’s not a weakness to admit you’re struggling.”
I wrap my arms around myself again. “How can they trust me to…be their support, to be the head of our unit, if they see me at my most vulnerable?”
“Being vulnerable is the bravest form of showing strength there is,” he replies softly. “It’s you admitting you’re not perfect, and even the toughest amongst us struggle sometimes.”
I swallow and hug myself tighter as I begin to tremble. “I want to be more than this. I want to be what I preach, to showmy loves a different way. I…don’t want to be Il Padrone and Cristian.”
“The fact you can admit that shows you aren’t. You know the trappings they fell into, and I can support you in ways they didn’t receive. Lean on me, and those you care about. It’s not giving up control, it's the exact opposite. Being in charge, the Dom at the top, isn’t about how tightly you hold the leash, but about knowing how to give as much as you get.
