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She didn’t make him specify what he wanted to know, because his earlier question still rang in her head. “What do you have” …to feel guilty about?
“I…I don’t…not now.”
“Why?” he asked, rolling them so that she was on her back, her head cradled by his arm. His dark eyes searched hers.
She felt…so freaking exposed.
It wasn’t voicing the words that scared her, it was the consequences that followed. The horror and the disappointment and the accusation she’d see on his expression and in his eyes. How the way he looked at her would change. How what he learned would quash the potential of whatever this was between them before it had really even begun.
Shayna knew these were the consequences of telling her secret because she’d seen them all before. And not just in her parents’ understandably darker moments. But from Dylan’s fiancé, Abby. Who’d been one of Shayna’s closest friends. Almost a sister, even.
But no more.
I hate you! You killed him and you ruined my whole life! Why couldn’t it have been you?
Like Shay hadn’t had the same damn thought.
Still, it had nearly killed her to hear those words from someone she’d loved after Shay had lost someone else she’d loved, and all while trying to hide just how much pain her broken arm, collar bone, and ankle caused her so her parents had one less thing to worry about.
From his visits to and stays at their house, Billy had known Dylan. And because Dylan was older than her and a guy, he’d hung out with Ryan and Billy during those stays. So Billy had a reason to care about what Shayna had done because he’d known the person she’d done it to.
A knot suddenly lodged in her throat, so big she could barely manage a swallow. What Shayna feared wasn’t hypothetical. It wasn’t irrational. And it wasn’t going to be any part of her fresh start.
She gently pressed her hand against Billy’s chest as she pushed out from underneath of him. Shivering from a sudden rush of nervous adrenaline, she scrambled off the bed, her gaze scanning the floor.
“Where’s my shirt…” And then she remembered. It was downstairs where Billy dropped it. She picked up his instead.
He moved to sit on the mattress’s edge, seemingly perfectly comfortable with the fact that he was still naked—a sight that, in her rising panic, she couldn’t fully appreciate.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m tired.” She punched her arms through the sleeves and yanked on his tee. It was miles too big and that was good—she felt way too exposed with so much skin showing. Heat filled her face as she grabbed up her jeans and undies.
“You’re running.”
A tendril of anger flickered inside her. “Wow. Okay,” she said. Even though he was right.
She forced herself to face him again before she left, and tension absolutely ricocheted between them and within her.
He nailed her with a fierce stare, one she wished she was seeing through her viewfinder. Could she capture the disappointed glint in his dark eyes? “Why…” His lips pressed into a tight line like he’d reconsidered his question, but then he shook his head and started again, his voice gentler. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
Because I might vomit. “I just can’t.” She searched those eyes and willed him to understand. “I’m sorry.”
He frowned. “Me, too.” Was there a coldness to his words or was she imagining it?
Shayna didn’t know. If there was, it was just one more burden she’d have to carry—and another of her own making.
Just like losing Dylan.
A long moment of tortured silence followed. She didn’t know what else to say, and Billy certainly wasn’t making any effort to make this easier for her. Not that he owed her anything. Which just left her with turning away and walking out of his room.
Her mind momentarily debated collecting her clothing from downstairs, but she couldn’t take the chance that he’d follow her down and question her again.
Unlike Billy and her brother, Shayna wasn’t brave. Which was a really freaking sucky thing to realize about yourself.
Instead, she went straight for the bathroom to get ready for bed, and then she dashed for her room and closed herself in.
And when she couldn’t fall asleep, she pulled out her laptop and started searching for an apartment of her own.
