Steering her to an empty table next to the wall of glass overlooking the racetrack, she put the glasses on the table and helped Sage take off her coat.
‘I love this coat. Ooh, it’s really smart,’ she said, looking at the designer label inside the collar.
‘Casper bought it for me,’ Sage said simply, watching Dolly to see if she would talk about him this time.
‘Oh no, you don’t. We are going to talk about you, Sage. Spill the beans about Rafe Dunbarton, please.’ Dolly brushed offthe subject of Casper, not wanting to deal with it at this precise moment. She took off her coat too and laid it on Sage’s which she had put on the empty chair next to them, then sat down expectantly.
Sage could not help blushing. Just the thought of Rafe seemed to make the blood start to race through her veins.
‘I am terrified. On one hand, he is kind and clever and chivalrous. And he’s beautiful. I have never been so attracted to anyone in my life.’ She paused and Dolly laughed.
‘There had better be some negatives or I’m going to be extremely green.’
Sage smiled. ‘Don’t worry, there are. But let me try to explain. He is daring and brave.’ Sage cast out her net of reasoning to try and catch the swirling mist of her thoughts and put them into cognitive words. ‘He opens doors for me! Santiago never opened a door for me, ever! He would probably just have elbowed me out of the way … Rafe has brought chivalry back into existence for me, a trait I thought had gone out with the dinosaurs. He makes me feel safe and protected while also being so passionate about what he does – it’s exciting. I love his old values, I feel like he embodies everything I was terrified had disappeared in this strange modern world.’ Sage had let her words tumble out all in a rush, and now paused for breath.
‘Wow. It’s pretty serious then.’ Dolly stared at her friend, overawed by such feverish emotion. It made her think about Casper, and that was a door she could not face opening yet. ‘You’ve only just met though – how can you feel like this so quickly? And what are the negatives?’
‘I keep asking myself the same thing. How? I have no idea how. My nerves are shredded. I never imagined jumping out of a marriage and into something new right away. I know it’s all wrong on paper. And the negative is, I’m terrified that deep down he has an awful temper and I’ve had quite enough ofangry men.’ Sage put her hands on her head, leant back in her chair and then, burning up again, she tugged her woollen jersey over her head in a rush. Pulling down her shirtsleeves that had rucked up she picked up her wine glass and took a big gulp.
‘I saw him, weeks ago, on the Heath. When I’d just got back. He was so angry.’ The memory still made panic flare inside her. Dolly raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to go on.
‘One of his lads was drunk. He made him get off, in front of the whole string. Rafe was utterly furious.’
As soon as she said it aloud, she felt silly. Any good trainer would have done the same.
‘Everyone loses their temper sometimes. Even you!’
Sage laughed. She had lost her temper with Skylark and, quite rightly, hit the deck as a result.
‘Do you think that perhaps you’re letting the trauma of being with Santiago affect your opinion of Rafe?’ Dolly smiled gently at her friend.
Sage let out a sigh. ‘Yes, I think that’s exactly what’s happening. I feel turned upside down by it all.’
‘I have never known you like this about a guy. You definitely were not like it with Santiago. None of us ever thought you’d go through with the wedding.’ She paused, not wanting to upset Sage, but deciding it was safe to ask, she continued. ‘Why on earth did you marry him, Sage?’
Sage said with a shrug, ‘Because I was pregnant. I stupidly thought it was the best thing for the baby. I wanted to give my child a more stable foundation than the one I’d had. Trust me, the irony of the situation I’m in now is not lost on me. And Santiago was so much nicer to me in England. Back when he was still racing cars, he was a completely different person. It was when we went to Panama that things went sour. In England he represented security for me, he felt like such a grown-up. He was whisking me around the Formula One circuit and it was really fun and glamorous.I suppose I didn’t know who he actually was until all of the glittering parties stopped after he had the crash and had to retire. I had put the fast lifestyle down to his career, but it all ramped up when he was unemployed and back home at Finca Azucar – he didn’t do anything except party. There was no job keeping him on the rails. I guess after all the adrenaline of the racetrack, he had a lot of pent-up energy and nowhere else to focus it – other than me …’ Sage trailed off, aware that she was talking a lot.
Dolly gestured at her to go on. ‘He was infatuated with you. I know it must have been hard to resist that level of devotion.’
Sage shook her head. ‘That’s just it – maybe he was infatuated at first, but I did know he had another side to him. I remember seriously evaluating everything after finding messages on his phone to some girl he was trying to pick up. He was disgustingly explicit about what he was hoping would happen between the two of them. I was so sick of it all. I was also deeply ashamed that I had become someone who read my boyfriend’s private messages. I had decided I couldn’t live like this any more, but I suspected I was pregnant, so I ran home to Gammy and Bumpa in a complete state and took a test. I sat at the top of the staircase with Gammy and I told her, in tears, about everything, and I decided that if the test was negative I would break up with him. Gammy sat and held my hand while we waited for the result. When it showed up as positive, I lost all confidence in my decision. I didn’t want to deprive my baby of a parent. Not after losing both of mine from my life.’
‘Is that when he proposed to you? When you told him you were pregnant?’
‘Yes, the next day! He went out in the morning and came back with a ring. It was what my heart wanted, even though my head was screaming no. I tried to make the best of it, even when Santiago’s father Juan decided to divorce Lucilla and Santiago was summoned home to Panama to put his motherback together. Lucilla basically had a nervous breakdown. We were married by then and I was only a few months off my due date, so I felt that I had to go with him. Looking back, it was as if he changed the moment we got to Panama. Santiago has this desperate desire to try to please his mother that never slackens. He told me once she was hardly around when he was little – he used to be left with a succession of nannies while Lucilla followed Juan about the globe when Juan was racing cars too. I have no idea why but Lucilla hated me from day one. I never stood a chance of being accepted.’
‘It sounds to me like she felt threatened by you. She probably has a lot of guilt for not being around, especially since Juan upped and left her, and now you’re the main woman in her son’s life. Well, you were – you’re not any more, thank goodness.’ Dolly thought about it for a moment and then went on, ‘I so wish you had talked to the people who love you. We would have helped.’ She put a hand on Sage’s arm. ‘We could have persuaded you to come home. We would have all rallied around for Hal too.’
Sage wiped away a tear. ‘I think that is exactly why I didn’t ever talk to anyone about it. I didn’t want to give up on the notion of Hal having a proper family. Talk about maternal guilt – I was so deeply unhappy I don’t think I was a very good mother, and Santiago certainly wasn’t a doting father. Hal and I would both have been much better here at home.’
‘Hindsight is a beautiful thing,’ Dolly said, wanting to ease the lines on her friend’s furrowed brow. ‘I don’t think you should walk away from Rafe because you have been hurt by Santiago. It sounds as though he couldn’t be more different. The passion that you are describing does not happen to everyone, and Rafe seems like he has been conjured up from an ancient spell just for you!’ Dolly took a sip of wine, the matter settled. ‘But what is the deal with you and Santiago? How far off from being divorced are you?’
Sage leant forward in her chair and rested her elbows on the table, putting the tips of her slim fingers together to make a steeple.
‘Ages at this rate. That’s the issue at the moment. Santiago has said he won’t go through with the divorce. He wants us to go to counselling and have another go at our marriage.’ She leant back again, restlessly, and sighed in frustration.
Dolly asked gently, ‘That, surely, is not what you want? I mean, he abused you, Sage. You were black and blue when you got home.’
‘No!That is not what I want, Doll!’ Sage said, her voice rising, venting pent-up fury as she banged her hands down on the table suddenly, making their wine glasses shake. People turned curiously to look at her.
