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“Shit,” he said. “No wonder. But don’t you forget for one second that you did your job. You got him out. The adrenaline crash after something like that is a bitch all on its own. Not a soul would blame you for that impacting you the way it did.”
“Thanks,” she said. She waved at her eyes, blinking as she struggled to hold back tears. “It’s just, women can’t do this on the job. Not in these kinds of jobs, anyway. And not in front of the men they work with. Women can’t be soft or emotional, because it gets read as being weak and irrational. And now that I have this anxiety going on, too, I always feel like I need to keep myself under the strictest control.”
Jesse nodded, his expression full of understanding. “That’s a lot of pressure for anyone.”
God, she felt as disappointed as he sounded. Was she wrong here? Maybe she was making more out of this than she needed to. Maybe he was right, that despite the concern they’d sometimes felt for each other, they’d both been professionals who’d done their jobs. Maybe being involved with a teammate wouldn’t be the distraction she feared and wouldn’t impact how the rest of the team viewed her. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Tara blew out a shaky breath, still uncertain but not wanting to be, damnit. “Maybe I could try—”
Jesse spoke at the same time. “I’ll happily be just friends if—”
Both froze mid-sentence.
Tara gave a little chuckle. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
He shook his head. “No, we just found each other at the wrong time.”
Those words made it feel like she was swallowing around a knot. “I could be wrong, Jesse. Maybe we could try.”
Running his fingers through her hair, he frowned. “I don’t want you to change for me, Tara. And I don’t want you to do a single thing that would shake your confidence or make you second-guess yourself. You’ve been through enough. And I’m not worth it.”
Her mouth dropped open and her heart hurt to hear him say such a thing. “Why would you say that?”
“Because it’s true.” The sadness in his dark eyes squeezed her throat. “I have a bad habit of letting people down, and I don’t want you to sacrifice for me knowing I’ll let you down, too, sooner or later—”
“Don’t say that. I don’t believe that,” she said, nailing him with a stare.
“Why not? It’s true. And truth is what we give each other, always. Remember?” No matter what he said, everything inside her railed against his words, but he didn’t give her the chance to refute them. “So we’ll see each other at work and we’ll be friends.” Jaw tight, he stroked her hair again, quiet for a long moment. “You can always count on me having your back.”
She wante
d to keep arguing with him, to challenge the way he talked about himself, but his eyes had gone distant, like he’d stepped behind a wall. And maybe she didn’t have the right to push him on this when she was the one calling them off. So she just burrowed into his chest, her face against his skin. “If you’d rather not, I’ll understand. But…do you want to stay the night with me?”
“Of course I do.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in tight.
Tara tried to remember everything about this moment. The crisp smell of his soap in her nose. The soothing strokes of his fingertips against her scalp. His heartbeat in her ear. The heat of his legs entwined with hers.
She traced a finger around one of his star tattoos, then another, and another.
All the while knowing she’d never get to be with him like this again. And it was her own damn fault.
* * * *
Two weeks had passed since Jesse had walked out of Tara’s apartment in the gray light of dawn.
Two weeks had passed of them working together. The first week laying a small section of power cables under the Anacostia River. The second, inspecting bridge pilings for a newly expanded bridge in the lower Potomac River—a project they’d be continuing next week.
And fuck if Tara hadn’t turned out to be right.
Because worrying about how she was feeling about doing bridge inspection work after what she’d told him had tied his gut in knots all week. Especially because Jud’s foot was still bothering him, so he’d served as Tara’s standby which meant she had to be in the water sharing the inspection work with Jesse. All the while, he’d had anxiety for her—knowing that she was having to face doing the same work that’d nearly killed her once before.
Of course, she’d handled herself like a fucking champ, because she was a professional, brilliant, and one of the bravest people he’d ever known. And that was saying something given all the people he knew who played with bombs for a living.
For the first and only time since he’d kissed her sleeping forehead and left her apartment knowing he’d lost his shot with her for good, he’d even been a little happy that they weren’t together. He was already worried about how she was handling the stress of the inspection, but he knew it would’ve been worse for her if she’d actually had to see his concern in their private moments together, or feel it in his embrace, or taste it on his lips.
The problem was all him.
Jesse’s heart had made some decisions all on its damn own, and now he was stuck with emotions he shouldn’t have and that were getting in the way. Emotions that were keeping him from reacting to her the way he would any of his other colleagues. Emotions he needed to stuff back in the fucking box they’d come from. Except that shit couldn’t be willed.
