“My mind was filled with ways to keep you by my side; I was ready to hold you hostage if it came to that. I couldn’t understand those feelings, couldn’t understand that bone-deep need to keep you by my side, so I lashed out and accused you of stalking me and making your way into my bed.”
Even now, the words tasted bitter on my tongue. I regretted them immediately back then, but what did that matter? The damage had already been done. I’ll never forget, for as long as I live, the look of deep hurt and despair I saw in those eyes that night after I tore into her. I’ve lived with that for the past few years.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around her and buried my face in her neck. “So, basically, you’re a demented asshole.”
JESSICA
Ididn’t know whether to laugh or cry. At first glance, his words sounded like bullshit, but the fact that I know he’s not a liar gave me pause. Then everything came full circle in my head. For the longest while, I’ve avoided thinking too much about that night. Just the mere thought of it makes me nauseous.
I’ve been running from it ever since it happened, my greatest wish being that I could go back and erase that one mistake in my life. Now he’s telling me that it was his cowardice that had made me suffer for so long.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “What do you mean?” My voice didn’t sound like mine even to my own ears, and from the way he flinched, I’m guessing he picked up on it as well.
“Calm down, baby!” The eyes I turned on him were cold as ice. Should I tell him the hell I’ve been through because of the things he’d said to me that night? Should I open myself up to him that much? No, better not, not yet at least.
“Calm? You want me to remain calm? You accused me that night, after we did the deed. Do you realize that was my firsttime, you monster? Do you know the scars you left in me?” So much for not telling him.
“I know, baby; I know. I was scared.”
“Scared of what exactly? What the hell did you think I was going to do to you?”
“It’s not that. You don’t understand; that feeling, it’s all-consuming. I didn’t want that; I wasn’t ready for that.” His face looked pained.
Just what the hell is it that he’s so afraid of? “Is loving me that hard?” I didn’t intend to show weakness, but that came out kind of whiny.
“No, sweetheart.” It worked, though, because he rushed to take me back into his arms. They were trembling, and his heart beneath my ear sounded like a drum.
He was afraid again. What the heck is this legacy that can make the brave and bold man I know react like this? Still, no matter what it is, he shouldn’t have lashed out at me to cover his own fear back then. ‘Then what is it?”
“I can’t put it into words what that feeling does to me. It’s not you personally. I mean, I would’ve reacted that way if it were anyone else as well.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? You’re just lumping me in with everyone?”
His arms tightened around me, and I started looking at this thing from a whole different angle. Knowing him, now that he has made up his mind, he won’t let me go; that much I know. Butting heads with him will get me nowhere at this point. But since he seems to think that this family legacy of his gives me so much power, why not use it?
The wound was still too raw, maybe because this was the first time anyone had ripped off the scab, and I was surprised to find that the memories from that night still hurt deeply, so there was no way I was just going to let him get away with it. But enoughtime had passed for the pain to become a dull ache that I could control.
Back then, I was almost catatonic for weeks. I carried that pain like a burden until it faded bit by bit with time. Or so I had thought. Now I know that I’d just buried it through sheer will, but had never really dealt with it. Now it was out in the open, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
If he’d told me anything else, I could swing on him, but this otherworldly thing was something I’d have to think about more until it made sense. I know all about love fools, my own parents fit the bill. After all these years together, they still act like teenagers in love, but that was chemical, that was the usual bond between two people who were so deeply attracted to each other.
What he was describing, or trying to, sounded like so much more. It sounded like soul mates, two people who were made for each other, which to me seems more intense. “Wait, did that night hurt you as well?”
“What do you think? I almost went insane.”
“So why?”
“Because I didn’t want that for you.” Those words sounded as though he never wanted to say them out loud, and when I looked over my shoulder at his eyes, I saw that to be true.
JULIUS
Dammit,I didn’t mean to reveal that to her. Now she was looking at me as if expecting an explanation. I didn’t intend to be this vulnerable in front of her, didn’t plan to show my underbelly.What kind of man does that shit? But I get the feeling that if I don’t come clean, it will cause more damage than good.
It never entered my mind that she had been as hurt as I was back then. I knew the words were harsh, but to me, they were just the weapons I used to keep her safely away from me. I didn’t mean any of it, but in the heat of the moment I could find no other way. “Explain, or I’m leaving.”
She tried pulling away, and that panicked feeling took root in my chest again. I held her close and tried to put the words together. “I watched my brother go through it. I watched him almost lose his mind because someone else got close to his girl. You know my brother; he’s the most laid-back person in the world with a heart like gold. That’s why he followed Dad into medicine.”
“But that summer… I thought I was going to lose him for sure. He became obsessed, like a lunatic. He damn near kidnapped sister-in-law and held her captive, and the fighting….”
