Mom laughs. “I’m not sure it would be as bad as that, Rosie.”
“But theywouldworry.” If I hadn’t been so heartbroken in Memphis, I’m positive they would have talked me out of coming on this trip at all.
“Yes, they would worry, but they would step back once they knew you were happy. And you do sound lighter than you were at home.”
Lighter is a good word.
When Simon died, everyone couldn’t do enough for me. The people at the hospital and the funeral home were amazing. My family never left my side, and my friends rallied and supported me as they never had before. I tried therapy for two weeks, but it didn’t work. The therapist was great. My unwillingness to open up was the problem. I thought if I opened up, I would break down in ways I couldn’t afford. I had to be strong for Ben, so I tried it, but I didn’t commit as much as I could or should have. And I definitely should have.
I focus on my bedroom window overlooking the backyard, which is fast becoming one of my favorite places in the world, given how happy Ben is running around in it. “I was drowning. Every single day. I love Weldon and being surrounded by your love, but my pain was crushing me.”
I gave Ben everything I had, but it still wasn’t enough. He needed more from me, more than I could be, and I felt guilty for failing my son. I couldn’t just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go back to being the Rose who could wrangle a roomful of kids with a few carefully chosen words, or the girl who saw each day as full of endless possibilities. I saw each day as just another to get through. That’s no way to live.
“And now?” Mom asks.
She doesn’t sound surprised. Mom has always been perceptive.
“Now I feel like I can breathe.” The grief is still there, and I’m not sure if it will ever go away, but for the first time in so very long, I can see past it.
“I’m sorry you were struggling so badly here, sweetie.”
“There was nothing you could have done. Y’all did so much already. I had to pull myself out of that pit, and I couldn’t have done it in Weldon.” My fingers tighten around my cell phone as I prepare to tell Mom the other news I’ve kept quiet. “I’m pregnant, Mom.”
“You are!”
I wish I were there with her, knowing if I were, she’d scoop me into her arms and give me a rib-crushing squeeze—the best kind of hug there is. “Yeah. I should have realized when I was visiting Sam and his parents in New York. That’s why I stopped here in Rios in the first place. I had to pull over and throw up.”
“What happened?” she asks, concerned.
I give her the rundown from the beginning. My terrible morning sickness, heading to the diner where I met Joel, how that meeting led to Win helping me find Ben, and then bumping into Murph at the top of the staircase when I was looking around their house.
Mom has always been the best listener. My tension eases as the words spill from my lips. She laughs when I tell her about Ben surprising me with pancakes made with Win’s help, and all the fun we had at Harry’s birthday party. So much has happened since I moved into this house that I’ve been holding back for so long. It feels so good to let it all out.
“They sound like good men,” she eventually says, a good thirty minutes later.
I think of the men downstairs, prepared to wait for however long this call lasts so we can all watch a movie together, and I smile. “They’re pretty amazing, Mom. You should have heard Murph’s animal impressions when Joel was reading Ben abedtime story a little while ago. He did them all: the chicken, the sheep, the horse, and even the grumpy goat.”
She lets out a laugh. “Ben would have loved that.”
I grin. “He did. Ben is so happy here.”
“And so are you,” she says softly. “I hear it in your voice. That sounds like the old Rosie.”
My eyes burn, and I swallow the lump in my throat. Itdoessound like the Rose before grief knocked me down, and I lost sight of who I used to be. I thought she was gone forever, buried with Simon, but she’s still here; it just took me a while to find her.
I nod, though she can’t see me. “There’s a lot to think about, and not just me. Ben and our stuff, and where we’ll move. Ben’s supposed to start kindergarten in the fall, and I haven’t?—”
“Stop,” she gently but firmly cuts in. “Take it one day at a time. You have all summer to think about school for Ben. And if he starts a little late, then he starts a little late. Justlive, Rosie. Everything else can wait.”
“Trey and Bryan will worry about us. They’ll want us to come home.”
“I’ll tell them they have nothing to worry about. That you’re happy is all that matters. Now, go join those men and watch that movie you said they invited you to. I’ll tell your fathers the happy news.”
I smile, relieved. “Okay. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, honey.”
Hanging up, I plug my cell phone in to charge and head out of my room, stopping to check on Ben, who's fast asleep, snoring as he hugs his stuffed zebra. I smile at the sight. He picked it out at a toy store when he was three and has been attached to it ever since.
