I was shoved forward, my stomach swooping as I fell. It startled me enough that I woke up, jolting up in bed.
My skin was covered in sweat, blankets twisted around me.
“Fuck,” I cursed as I ran shaking hands over my face. “Another one.”
You’d think in the last twelve years or so that I would have gotten over this.
I knew it was a stupid thing to think as soon as I said it.
As my therapist always said, my trauma was not something to simply get over. What I’d been through before and after Gideon, was not the kind of experience I could sweep under the rug.
It was such a significant portion of my life that my mind couldn’t simply gloss over it anymore.
I felt helpless again and I fucking hated that.
The sun hadn’t even peeked over the horizon, and yet here I was, awake again.
This was why I was always the first one at the gym in the mornings. I lived in a perpetual state of exhaustion.
This one shook me more than most. The dreams weren’t usually this detailed and never included Nikolai.
“Fuck,” I cursed. On instinct, I reached toward my phone, but stopped myself.
It was even too early for Briar.
Hell, all of my best friends would murder me if I called before the sun was up.
I trusted all of the omegas I’d escaped with, but at some point Briar and I had drifted just a little bit closer.
Staying in bed overthinking wasn’t an option, so I forced myself into the shower, stripping out of the damp clothes and tossing them into the laundry basket before stepping in.
My shower was probably the place I splurged the most once we had money coming in. I redid it so the entire room was my little oasis. Of course, there was a tub with jets, but it was my shower that really stole the show. It had enough settings and adjustments that it felt like a personal masseuse.
But right now, I needed something comforting.
I switched on the waterfall setting and turned it up as hot as I could stand. Steam soon filled the air, and I let the hot water wash away the sweat, burning into my skin in a way that kept me grounded.
Flashes of the dream version of Nikolai hit me again and my stomach turned.
For years these nightmares were dormant. I’d buried just about every mention of Nikolai that I could manage.
My mind decided it was time to face reality. Why was my brain such a dick?
Pain ached in my chest when I thought about the alpha from my past life. The one who promised to save me, and had every intention of doing it.
For the millionth time, I wondered if he had found himself an omega. Did he look the same, smell the same? Had he changed at all?
Nikolai had always been so tough on the outside, but so soft with me. It made me feel special, prized in a way that nothing else ever did.
I hadn’t felt like that since and I wasn’t sure I ever would again.
I’d heard some of the stories from the other girls—the hellscapes they endured before they came to Gideon. Mine felt so mild in comparison.
Another thing my therapist reminded me was an unhealthy mindset.
Apparently, I had a whole fucking lot of those.
Once I was dried off and in fresh clothes, I snatched my phone and walked to the kitchen, sending a quick text to Briar in hopes she’d answer soon.
