Opening up felt like cutting open a vein. Stuffing it down felt like a time bomb waiting to explode.
“Have I mentioned Lynn had bipolar disorder?”
“You have.”
“Right.”Here goes…
“She was pregnant once,” he said. “She showed me one of those home pregnancy tests.”
“What happened?”
“I was thrilled when I saw the result,” he said. “For some reason, a rattle just like Rue’s came to mind. It was the first thing I wanted to buy. But Lynn started crying, and they weren’t exactly happy tears. She unraveled, said she needed to stay with a friend to clear her head.”
“That must have been hard for you, and her.”
“It was. She shut me out during a difficult time for both of us.”
“What happened?”
“Lynn turned up three days later. I came home from work to find her sitting on the couch drinking wine straight from the bottle.” The memory threatened to burn a hole in his chest. Talking about it tamped down some of the blaze. “Said all the stress must have made her lose the pregnancy but that she was relieved because she didn’t want kids with me anyway.
“I lost it,” he said. “I’m not proud of my actions, but my temper got the best of me. I said words that I wish I could take back.” Guilt punched him again like it happened yesterday.
“I’m sorry, Blaize. For both of you.” A few beats passed. “Did she say why? You obviously wanted the child. Had you ever talked about having a family with her?”
“Yes,” he said. “We wanted kids, or so I thought. She said the possibility of carrying a child woke her up to the fact she didn’t actually want kids. Before that, she’d wanted two, a boy and a girl. I didn’t care. She said she couldn’t risk passing on the disorder to children. Said it wouldn’t be fair to them or to me. Said she was enough of a hot mess without adding to the equation.”
“I bet that was hard to hear from someone you loved so much.”
“It was.” He could admit that much. “So, if you catch me looking at Rue and thinking about what might have been, you’re probably catching a weak moment.”
“That’s not weak, Blaize. You are the strongest person I know.” She reached over and touched his hand, sending warmth spreading through him. “The more I get to know you, the more respect I have for you. Life hasn’t been easy. Has it?”
“I never expected easy,” he said. “I’d hoped for fair instead.”
CARYS DIDN’T WANTto like Blaize more than she already did. She was already treading dangerous waters, barely keeping her headabove water when it came to the man. His raw honesty wasn’t helping her keep an emotional distance.
“Fair isn’t always on the table, is it?” she asked.
“We’ve talked too much about me. What about you?” He turned the tables. “You lost your mother at a young age.”
“That’s right. I already shared that with you.” Where did she begin with her other parental relationship? “As far as my father is concerned, we haven’t spoken more than two words in six years. He cut me off when we disagreed about my future. Told me to go away and not worry about coming back. That he no longer had a daughter.”
“That’s harsh. You didn’t deserve that.”
“No one does,” she agreed. “I get that he was hurting after my mom died. But his reaction made it like losing two parents in one blow. You know?”
“I can see that.”
“Losing her caused him to double down on protecting me. His grip was so tight, I was tempted to rebel. I didn’t. I guess it made me want to help others even more, especially kids.”
It made her think about Rue. “What’s going to happen to that little girl back at your house if her father turns out to be a criminal? Or if we never uncover his identity? The courts would never give her to me. Plus, I wouldn’t know the first thing about taking care of a baby full time. I was an only child. And I might have had responsibilities around the house, but I was never responsible for a human life. I’ve never even kept a plant alive. I don’t even want children, which is part of the reason I chose this profession. I can help them without the day in, day out responsibility that I have no idea if I’ll ever be ready for.”
“Parents do a real number on kids sometimes, don’t they?” It was a rhetorical question.
“Thank you for listening,” she said after catching her breath. “And not judging me or telling me that I’m supposed to want kids and a family.”
“Why would I do that?” he asked with genuine care and authenticity in his voice.
