“I didn’t know what they were going to do,” I murmur. “They never told me the details. You have to believe me. I wasn’t important enough to know what they would do and when. I didn’t know they’d torch the Banshee. I had no idea they were going to beat up Teagan.
“They only ever asked for information, and yes, I… I gave it to them, but I didn’t give them everything. I was trying to hold back. I was trying to protect you, Killian. I was, I swear. That’s why Fedorov’s been so angry with me. Because he’s convinced that I… that our relationship was becoming too real?—”
“I don’t want to hear another fucking word!” he snarls cruelly. “Who knows what’s the truth and what’s a lie coming from you? You’ve lost all credibility. Nothing you say means anything anymore.”
I peer up at him through blurry eyes and tear-stained glasses, and I feel the moment my heart snaps into two.
Though I’ve known all along everything’s been my fault, a part of me had become delusional enough to believe things could work out. That even though I was guilty and never deserved the care he’s given me, somehow things would magically be okay in the end.
It’s just another reminder why I’ve never let myself believe those kinds of things.
I’ve always been a pessimist for a reason. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes crushed.
“I’m done with you,” he goes on, regarding me coldly. “I want nothing to do with you, Jhene.”
“Oh…” I murmur, lashes heavy with tears. “Okay…”
What else is there to say? How much clearer can he make it?
He knows what I really am, and he’s disgusted.
I pull myself to my feet and start gathering my things. There isn’t much—a few changes of clothes, the puzzle books Killian bought me, the fuzzy bird keychain still sitting on the bed where I left it. I leave the fuzzy bird. It doesn’t feel right to take it.
Killian doesn’t try to stop me. He stands where he is with his arms crossed, watching me pack as if I’m an enemy in his territory. His expression is sharp and judging, illustrating how he’s turned off the feelings he developed for me.
At the front door, he calls out to me.
“Wait.”
For one stupid, desperate second, I glance over with a small glimmer of hope. Maybe he’s changed his mind and he’s willing to listen?—
“Here. Take this with you.”
He crosses the room and shoves the burner phone into my hand, closing my fingers around it when I try to resist.
“So you can contact your boss,” he says. “He’d want the latest update.”
Then he turns his back on me, and I know it’s over for good.
The warm night air hits me like a slap when I step outside. I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t have anywhere to go.
The shelters aren’t an option, and I don’t want to waste what little money I do have on a motel. There’s no one in the city I can call because the only people who truly give a damn about me are the same people I just betrayed.
My only option is to keep walking.
My feet carry me down the dark street on autopilot, onestep after another, while my mind replays everything that happened minutes ago.
I can see the cold fury in Killian’s eyes and hear the disgust in his voice. Visualize the stupid burner phone as he clenched it in his hand.
I did this. All of it.
Every terrible thing that’s happened is because of choicesImade, and I don’t get to pretend otherwise. I had every chance to come clean and tell him what Fedorov had put me up to, yet I chose again and again not to.
I convinced myself I was doing what I was doing for Eva, and it was my only option.
How stupid could I be? Why didn’t I trust that Killian and the others would find a way to help us? Why did I listen to Fedorov, proving the hold he has on me is as strong as ever?
It’s a mindfuck because I can’t even explain.
