Her eyes flew open and she pushed away from him. Jamirr released her as she said, “But I can’t walk away from everything here right now. There aren’t enough credits and you aren’t a free man—you can’t be. Not until you can buy your freedom and that means you have to fight.”
“I could have been a free man in the Five Systems,” he said. “Kyden was ready to do whatever it took but I insisted on staying with you. We could have the future you spoke of with such longing if we went there. Retire gracefully as Barbour suggested, sell out, move to the Five Systems and take Kyden’s offer to become a part of his exhibition team. No more real fights for either of us. Use the salary he’d pay us to start another zoo maybe. Get out from under all of this.” He waved one hand at the garden and house surrounding them.
“You’d choose him and his pack over helping me?” she asked, anger sparking in her eyes.
“I already chose you over all of them,” he reminded her. “I stand here, don’t I? I want to help you, Samyra. I love you. But I want to help you toward a real future that you want. I don’t want to help you shore up a dying dream of your father’s and watch you kill yourself trying to keep this going. It’s over, from what Barbour said and what we know about Lajaran’s. Dreams die or morph into something else or we make other choices based on new information. You kept his House running with honor for years, you had the career he would have been proud of and you can walk away with your head held high. Move on to other adventures. With me.”
She sank onto the bench, head in her hands. “You love me?” she asked.
He put his hand under her chin gently and raised her head so he could see her and she’d see the truth in his eyes. “Since I first saw you when I was in that cage, waiting to go to the mines. My Badari brothers tell me it’s always that way for us—we know our mate the moment we meet her.”
“I’m in love with you too,” she admitted and the words lodged in his heart and made him dizzy with happiness. “But our situation is impossible.”
“Here. If we go back to the Five Systems?—”
Now she sprang from the bench and paced again. “I’m not going to Kyden asking for charity.”
“He doesn’t see it that way at all. I wish I could make you understand what pack means to us Badari but an Alpha wants every member of the pack, including their claimed mates, to be happy and successful. The success of one benefits all.”
But Samyra was withdrawing into herself again, putting on her mental armor, building her invisible walls. “I refuse to go out in this fashion.”
With a sinking heart he knew he’d lost her to the nightmare that she refused to acknowledge her life had become.
For an instant the softer, more vulnerable woman peeked out as she told him, “I don’t even know who I am if I’m not Samyra the Beast Lady, the feared and successful gladiator. You might not even like me—I might not like myself.”
He gathered her close again but her body was tense and she didn’t allow herself to melt into the embrace as she had earlier in the discussion. “You’re the woman I love, and that won’t change no matter whether you’re fighting in an arena or running a zoo or caring for our children or whatever choices you make. I love the heart and mind and soul of you.”
“I’ll be lost,” she whispered. “I won’t know how to be anything else than what I’ve been all these years.”
“I’ll be there right with you. We can figure it out together.”
She was silent.
“The time for retirement was always going to arrive at some point,” he said and knew it was a mistake the instant the words left his lips.
She stepped back and lifted her chin. “But not like this. I go out when I choose, in the manner I choose and that means on top, the champion, the queen of the arena. This will be my final season and it’ll be my best one yet. You’ll see. They’ll all see.”
Jamirr waited for her to order him to join the active roster and if she did make the demand his heart would break. He’d do it for love of her but if she made the demand against his wishes, it would shatter something between them he wasn’t sure could be mended.
Instead she walked past him, ignoring his outstretched hand, and headed for the house. “I’ll have Darryl meet you in the office and walk you back to your room. For now nothing changes—expect to fight when I’m having a bad day and need the extra wingman. Good night.”
Jamirr took a minute to calm down and then went to the office to wait for Darryl. He prayed to the Great Mother for patience and wished he could talk to Kyden right now, to get advice but Badari telepathy didn’t extend over the light-years from the Five Systems to here and as a slave he’d never be allowed to place an interstellar com call. Samyra probably wouldn’t give him special permission to do so even if he asked and she’d hate that his first instinct was to consult his brother, the man he wished could be his true Alpha. She’d never understand what a sacrifice it was for him to renounce the pack bond.
While he was escorted to his room and locked inside for the night, he considered everything she’d told him and foresaw only disaster ahead.
Chapter Eleven
Her conversation with Jamirr left her deeply troubled and Samyra slept badly. She didn’t go to the zoo in the morning but picked at her breakfast and then wandered into her office. She and Darryl had their usual daily conference about her expectations for the day, as far as the gladiators’ training schedule. Samyra guessed he was full of questions and his future was as much at stake here as hers but she wasn’t ready to have a discussion with him. Eventually he left, face set in a frown.
She looked at the stack of holos she’d been studying the day before when Jamirr arrived for their conversation. Picking one up and watching a young gladiator trainee spar with another man, she felt a flicker of interest. He had good moves and a certain flair the audience would love. That’s what she needed, to stop doubting herself and her plans, to shut out the naysaying voices and to move on with her plan. Decision made, she keyed up the com and called the slave market manager.
After a few pleasantries, which were surprisingly stilted and awkward (had he heard about her insulting contract offer?) she said, “I plan to come down there today and pick up a few new men for the House. What time is good for you?”
“Actually, my lady, there’s nothing for you to consider today,” he said, not meeting her eyes.
“What do you mean? I’ve got a stack of holos from your office with possible candidates and a few of them looked like high quality.”
“I don’t have anyone,” he repeated.
