What would it be like if all these troubles could be banished? If Daire could truly come alive again and Niall could lead her to the bonfires, letting the golden light illuminate both their faces without fear? How marvelous would it be to listen to music she had never heard, to have such a man teach her the steps of dancing she had never seen before?
But she could not even imagine the festival Aniera and Fiona were enjoying, Caitlin thought sadly. Her mind did not know what kind of image to paint.
She sighed, her eyes straining toward the faint glow atop a hill she could barely see. If only Niall would come back so she could explain to him how much she wished to catch a glimpse of the celebration, just a peep that would harm no one. But there was no way of guessing when Niall would return, if he would ride in too late to grant her wish.
And he would if he were able, Caitlin knew. He had been gentler with her since the secrets they had shared near his father's cairn, more understanding. Surely, if she kept herself hidden,took only the shortest peek at the revelers, he would not mind so very much.
But how to let him know where she had gone? She glimpsed the flowers left over from the crowns Fiona had woven earlier that day. Niall must have memories of the festival from his childhood. With Fiona's anticipation still echoing in his ear, surely he would remember and guess Caitlin had gone to the celebration, too.
Gathering the discarded blossoms tenderly, Caitlin left them upon the scarred wood table, where he would see them the moment he entered the hall. Just as she started to turn away, she paused, taking up one sweet white bloom to tuck in her hair. Inhaling its rich perfume, she stole away into the gathering darkness, following the path she had watched Fiona and Aniera take hours earlier. After a while, she caught the faint sound of music, glimpsed the glow of flame high on a hilltop, the light guiding her on her way.
The sky was blue-black by the time she neared the edge of the celebration, the faint music reaching out to tease her with its unnamed beauty. Like the jewels on the abbey's chalice, the bonfire glowed against the soft cup of night's hand. And rich, unfamiliar scents that madeCaitlin's mouth water drifted from where the feast spread out beyond her sight.
Yet as she crept nearer, it was the swaying bodies of the people that held her in thrall. Laughter rippled, jests rang out between the couples feeding an intensity hotter than any fire that ever burned. Even in her innocence, she sensed there was not mere lust between those who swirled in the dance but, rather, passion for life primitive and unfettered, fierce and consuming.
Her heart pounded at the sight of it as she crouched behind a stone, the pulsing rhythm of the music seeming to beat in tune with her own racing heart. Never had she dreamed of anything like this. Never had she heard sounds like those echoing from the instruments she had never seen. The pounding of a drum, the allure of strings and pipes, voices mingling in song and laughter.
This was life distilled to its essence. Magic, enchantment, the wild refrain of the Irish hills that had called to her even long ago behind the abbey walls. She was desperate to be a part of that whirling, beautiful force, but she dared only to peek at it through the shadows, still hidden away from the world, as she had been her whole life.
Nor would that ever change, Caitlin thought with a sting of sorrow. Any sight of her would bedangerous in the years to come; anyone who showed her kindness would be placed in danger of Conn's vengeance should he discover that she lived. After all Niall and his family had sacrificed by helping her, she could never risk putting anyone else in the same kind of peril. She would forever live in the shadows, watching the brilliant colors and tastes and scents of life swirl past without her, as useless and untested as the spear that would never fly.
But she swallowed her sadness, determined that she would not waste one moment of this night in grieving for what she could not have. She drew into the darkest haven of shadows, closing her eyes, letting her feet move as they would to music so wondrous it made her throat ache. She imagined Niall smiling up at her, sweeping her skyward in arms so strong he could sail her to the moon itself.
She could almost hear the rare gift of his laughter as he caught her again, feel his mouth on hers, hungry, eager, despite the crowd all around them, unafraid of the pulsing of life itself in their bodies, unashamed as they celebrated the lush gift of fertile ground and greening fields.
It is ready, all the world seemed to sing.The womb of earth and doe and woman swelling with themystery of the yet-to-be-born.And Caitlin's own body stirred with a hunger and a grief she had never known she would feel.
She opened her eyes, saw a broad-shouldered youth drag his laughing partner off into a copse of trees, as if both were unable to bear the torture of their separate bodies another moment. Caitlin flushed, knowing instinctively they were stealing off alone to celebrate the desire that shone in their faces.
How would such a celebration begin? She was not certain. She only knew she had felt the same desire singing in her own veins. She wished Niall would teach her.
But that would never happen, she knew. Loss swept through her, leaving her barren. She looked away from the bonfire, knowing it would be too painful to stay any longer.
But as she turned to leave, she stifled a cry behind her hand. Standing against a veil of moonlight was Niall, his broad shoulders silvered by moon-glow, his dark hair a tangle around a face hard with wanting, burning with need... for her? Caitlin thought in wonder. But the instant he saw her gazing at his face, he covered those raw emotions as if they somehow shamed him.
She swallowed hard, waiting for him toreprove her for the danger she had put herself in, but he only stepped nearer.
"I returned to Daire as soon as I was able," he said in a strange, thick voice. "I looked for you there."
"I know I should not be here."
He stunned her, a melting-honey smile spreading across his face. "You are mistaken, Caitlin of the Lilies. I returned so that I could bring you here myself."
Caitlin's breath caught. "You were going to—to bring me—"
"I thought you should see a little of this land, listen to the music, the laughter, hear the tales your father and mother heard, before you leave Ireland forever."
Stunned at the depth of Niall's understanding, Caitlin instinctively touched her heart. "I never imagined anything like this," she said, waving toward the oblivious revelers. "It is as if life boiled up from the very ground, swallowing up doubt and fear, leaving everyone naked in their souls, new."
"Aye," Niall rasped, low. "There are those who would claim this is a sin," he said. "Such unbridled pleasure is wrong between a man and a woman."
"I cannot believe it," Caitlin said. "If there islove between them—" She looked away, suddenly shy, suddenly shaken. "I imagine what they feel is the closest we can come to touching heaven. I am sorry that I will miss it." The ache knotted in her throat again. She would not let him see it.
"Miss what, Lily Fair?"
A shiver of pleasure rippled through her at the tender name he used again, an endearment all her own.
"You think me innocent, and I am, I know. Grown up in the abbey, tasting so little of life. But I do understand what it will be like for me, Niall, once I flee Ireland. There will be no wandering about, dancing around bonfires. I will be an exile in hiding, forever clinging to the shadows as certainly as I am now."
