He glanced at her. “You would have me. You would have your friends. You would never be alone.”
“I appreciate that,” she said cautiously, “but it would never be enough. I did not know it until I heard you dismiss the idea, but… Iwantto be a mother.”
There was always a chance she would not be able to conceive, but at least there would be a hope of children. If Philip was determined to have none, then there was no hope at all.
“You have to understand something, Selina,” he said. “My father was a cruel, evil man. He was not made that way, but born vicious. My grandmother always told me that there was something wrong with him, even in childhood. He hurt animals to amuse himself, he destroyed things on a whim, he lamed his own pony because it would not go fast enough, and he would terrorize the servants.Hisfather indulged him and would not allow my grandmother to scold him, but hewasrotten to the core.
“That only worsened as he got older. I have heard countless stories, but the story of how the feud between my family and yours started is the worst.” He sank back on his haunches, the cloth dripping in his hand.
“What do you mean?”
He puffed out a breath. “He was so cruel to your aunt—your father’s sister—that she… ended her own life. He wooed her, made her believe his lies, promised to marry her, and got her with child. But she lost the child, and he dismissed her from his life as if she were nothing, leaving her so bereft that she threw herself into the Thames. He was so obsessed with continuing his bloodline that he didn’t care who he hurt. Icannotrisk bringing a child like that into the world.”
The warmth of the bath suddenly offered no comfort, the cold shock of Philip’s words shuddering through her.
She had often asked what had caused the enmity between her family and Philip’s, but her father would not speak of it. Instead, he would erupt into profanity and fury and leave for his study with a slam of the door.
She could never have imagined it was something so horrible, so tragic.
“Children arenotborn evil,” she said, rallying. “I am not saying I do not believe your grandmother, but perhaps there is more to it than you know. Perhaps his father encouraged his cruelty. But you—youare proof that a child of that bloodline can be born without cruelty.”
“I killed countless men and felt nothing,” he countered.
“That is war, not innate cruelty!” she argued. “War is awful, I have no doubt, but it does not mean that you are evil. You didn’t start the war; you merely fought in it. And Lizzy is not cruel, either.”
Philip shook his head. “I do not know that I can promise you children, my love. I do not know if it is something I can overcome. I am trying to think it over, but?—”
“And I cannot overcome a childless marriage,” she said firmly. “So, I think this conversation is over. You have some thinking to do and so do I, and I would prefer to do mine alone.”
“Selina, please…”
She swallowed thickly. “I need you to go. I need to think.”
“But I just got you back,” he said, his voice thick with hurt.
“Please,” she murmured, unable to form any other words, her throat choked with sorrow.
How could he not see that history did not always have to repeat itself? They were already proof of that, considering she was not going to repeat her parents’ mistakes.
How could he not understand that he was not his father, and any children he might have would be so loved that they could not possibly end up cruel and wicked?
But she could not explain that to him, not without falling to pieces.
With a weary sigh, Philip rose to his feet, placed the cloth on the edge of the bathtub, and left the room without another word.
Selina flinched at the softclickof the door closing and dunked her head under the water before a single tear could fall.
