With an aggravated huff, I slam the door behind me and head out into the day.
Once again not catching sight of her.
Instead, I see Mabel.
Not wanting to be seen by her either, I slip behind the building, which puts me directly by the path that leads to the pool.
Taking my chances, I follow it in the midday heat.
Like an apparition, there she is.
Sat at the edge of the pool, her attention lost to the ripples of water in front of her.
Almost an exact duplicate of how I found her a week ago. Except the late night chill has been replaced by the overbearing sun.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” The words pierce the air around us, breaking the bubble of silence. Too loud and harsh for where we are. Too full of emotion.
Tally doesn’t turn or flinch, just continues staring at the water like it holds all the answers to life. She doesn’t answer me, but her hand flings out to her side delicately.
I take that as an indication to sit down, and I do.
There’s only a couple feet of space between us, but I've never felt so far away from her as I do right now. I’ve yet to be given the gift of her gaze, eyes too focused on what's in front of her. Her touch is miles away from me. If I wasn’t afraid she’d bite my hand off for trying, I’d try and touch her. Lay my hand on her arm. Do anything just so she’ll look at me.
My skin itches with the need to be near her, to have her touching me again.
The silence stretches, passing the point of comfort.
Clearing my throat, I start again. “You’ve been avoiding me. Why?”
She huffs a humourless laugh. “I thought I made it clear why.”
“You knew I’d be leaving once the ship was ready. We both agreed this was just sex and you knew I love Amara. I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I, Cyrus.” Her tone is so detached, bored almost.
It pisses me the fuck off. “Can you fucking talk to me? Why is this conversation so one fucking sided? You obviously aren’t that interested in what we had, if you can just shut it off.”
Finally her gaze snaps to me. Fire sizzles in their depths, anger narrowing her eyes to slits and drawing her lips in a fine line.
“You’re questioning my feelings? Fuck, that’s rich coming from you. I said everything I had to say the other day. You could have said anything then and you chose not to. Yes, I knew you were always going to leave, but you always come back. Yes, I knew it was just sex, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t become more than that for me. Yes, I knew you were in love with Amara, but I stupidly thought that you might have realised she’s no longer available to you, you might move on.
“It’s so stupid that I thought, after months of being attached to one another, that it had become more for you too. So stupid to think you’d get over whatever feelings you have for someone who's never wanted you like that and fall for someone who does. I’m sorry I was so hurt by the way you’ve been sleeping with me for months, tangled up with me, on dates with me, yet still look at her with love.
“I’m sorry I broke it off when I realised, I could no longer be around you without being able to tell you I love you even knowing you’d never say it back.”
My vision blurs, as she unleashes everything she’s feeling. The world becomes a dull kaleidoscope, with Tally at its bright centre.
Everything hurts, pain is usually second nature to me, but everything feels like it's breaking inside of me. Ribcage closing in around my lungs in a vice-like grip, refusing to let oxygen circulate properly. Why is everything so complicated?
I close my eyes to block out the sight of Tally, tears carving lines down her cheeks. And then I let every word she said sink in. My skin buzzes with unease.
She huffs another lack-less laugh, and even with my eyes closed, I can picture the way she’s throwing her hand out absentmindedly. “Even now, you say nothing.”
“I’m processing, Tally. I’m sorry my feelings haven’t changed, I do care about you. Truly, I do–”
“But you’ll never love me, not like you love her.” She cuts in.
I shake my head. It feels wrong though. Like a part of my heart is trying to scream at me to stop. To stop and think about what I’m doing. To process everything that’s happening, like I said I was doing. Of course I don’t listen to it, I focus on what my head would be telling me if it didn’t currently feel like it was a pounding drum.
