“Probably, in what I said, or didn’t say, but that was the state I was in. She’d done what she’d done because my safety was a major concern for her. When she said that to me, I realized that being close to me puts Bree at major risk. I was fucking shot. I was almost run off the road. What if she’d been with me?” Tess sighed. “And I just kept thinking, what if this meeting wasn’t just about telling me about the Commission? What if Bree was about to explain why we couldn’t pursue anything romantic after all? I was too drained to be rational. So I fell back on old patterns.”
Flo reached across the table and touched Tess’s hand while she waited for her to continue.
“I just broke it off so she couldn’t argue, so I wouldn’t have to risk rejection. So that I wouldn’t cry. The bottom line is, more than I need Bree, I need Bree to be safe, and being around me doesn’t make her safe. It puts her in danger.” Tess wanted Flo to understand.
Flo nodded. “This sounds like love under the gavel.”
“I didn’t say I love her.”
“You didn’t say you don’t. Do you?”
“I’m pleading the Fifth.”
Flo gave Tess an exasperated frown. “Bull…oney. It’s a legitimate question.”
“Damn it,” Tess blurted as emotions flooded her. “I’m not going there. I made the right decision.”
“And I’m going to say that your reasons are valid. But maybe there’s also another element to consider. All that you’ve been through to get here, it’s not only made you an honorable, decent judge. It’s made you the person I’m proud to call my friend. And if there’s ever a chance for a future with Bree, that history will figure in as part of the journey.” Flo touched her hand again. “Iknow you don’t want more pain. And you don’t know where she stands either, in terms of pursuing a future. You didn’t let her tell you, did you?”
Tess pressed her lips together and shook her head. “I didn’t. It doesn’t matter now because her being around me is not good for her.”
“At some point, there will be some resolution to what’s going on at the courthouse My advice is that you take the time to figure out the verdict on your side of this. No point in pursuing a second chance with Bree if you both don’t want to find out if you have a future together. Accept this as a recess.” Flo chuckled, and Tess shook her head at Flo’s framing of the issues in legal terms. “But if there could be love involved, then it will matter what Bree wants too. I understand her safety is paramount right now, but don’t let the pain of your past be the issue that shuts down your future.”
Tess had tried so hard not to think in terms of love, even with the undeniable connection with Bree. She’d fought labeling what she felt, and she didn’t know how vulnerable she was willing to let herself be. She’d survived some pretty harsh lessons, but the consequences of concluding that she was falling in love with Bree, of risking Bree not loving her—it terrified her.
Tess wiped her eyes. “Hearts on trial.”
Helene was sitting at her desk when Tess approached her the following week on Friday afternoon. Tess had been engaged with an aggravated assault case all week and had spent little time on her administrative responsibilities. She’d continued to avoid any direct contact with Bree. She’d simply let Flo’s advice marinate during this week, and she’d been fine with that. She’d mulledtheir discussion over but had reached no conclusions about how much of herself she was willing to gamble. And maybe that was her reason for making no admissions to herself. She knew that the more you loved someone, the more you wanted their love, the greater the risk.
With this effort to keep her focus on her professional duties, Tess waited until Helene looked up at her over the rim of her glasses.
Tess was working hard to develop a good working relationship with Helene. “Thanks so much for the court’s budget information. As I’m familiarizing myself with all this new information, I hope you can guide me if I have questions.”
“You’re welcome. If you keep me informed about what you’re wanting to look at, I’ll see what I can do to assist you.” Helene offered her a smile.
“Any luck with that case-assignment data I asked you for?” Tess had made the request official at their weekly Thursday meeting last week, and she’d had it on the agenda again at their meeting yesterday. “I was hoping to start looking at it this weekend.”
“I’ve had time to go through and collect the final calendars for the past two years.” Helene reached into a drawer and handed Tess a thumb drive. “Here you go.”
Tess suspected she had her own copies of several of these final calendars still in her account, from when they’d been sent out to all the judges. She really wanted what Helene hadn’t given her yet—the initial random case assignments. Tess’s planned focus was to compare the final calendars to those original random assignments and to take note of any changes. She anticipated there would be occasional changes required while she was the presiding judge too, and understanding the past rationale for changes would help guide her going forward.
“What about the original random assignment documentsthose case calendars were built from? Like we discussed. You might not be able to give me two years’ worth, but you must be able to access them for the past several months.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been busy. I’ll see what’s at my fingertips and dig deeper for more.”
Tess knew that Helene considered the calendar to be in her purview. “I know you’re the calendar expert, Helene. I’m not trying to interfere with your job, but just trying to do mine.”
“Judge Huffington never…” Helene closed her eyes for a moment, sighed, and then nodded. “Sorry.”
Tess was sure that Helene’s job wasn’t easy considering the wide shifts in personality she’d had to endure with the changes in who happened to be chosen as the presiding judge.
Tess tried to offer Helene a smile. “I’m not Simon Huffington.”Thank God.
Helene nodded again. “I’ll see what I can find for you. I can let you know what I’ve got early next week. It’s getting late, and I already have some important things to tie up before I can leave.”
Tess decided that was the best she was going to get today. “Okay. I’ll check back with you then. Have a good weekend.”
She headed to her chambers to finish some work before she headed home. As she passed Bree’s door, she saw that the light was out. She wondered how she was doing, if Bree missed her the way she missed Bree, what Bree had planned for this weekend. Then she headed into her office and closed the door.
